AM I KIDDING MYSELF? please help.

[Coffeeloveer]

Sorry I am reposting this from yesterday as I’m not sure how to work MN properly yet and wanted some more opinions…

Please tell me as honest as possible (I can take it) I just want to solve this dilemma as its ongoing and driving me mad…

So I’ve had “toilet anxiety” for the last 13 years triggered by being trapped in a situation where I couldn’t get to a toilet (had diarrhoea) luckily I didn’t soil myself and made it but it triggered something inside me
because of my ongoing ibs/lactose intolerance.

I managed this anxiety enough through college and (kind of) half way through my nursing degree. However, lockdown triggered alot of this and the uncertainty exacerbated this anxiety which eventually led to me leaving my course at the end of second year.

I’ve been consistently toying with the idea of going back and completing my training as it’s obviously my dream career. But am scared of getting back into it as I don’t trust my anxiety.. one minute I’m like how can I not do my dream job because of this stupid problem but the next I’m like I’m kidding myself that I can do a job with such responsibility when I’m busy worrying about the toilet…

The role itself I didn’t find stressful (within reason). Other than this toilet thing I am actually a very confident person you wouldn’t think I was secretly dealing with this. My main concern (as ridiculous as it sounds) was certain aspects of the responsibilities was making me feel like I can’t get to the toilet when urgent… in these situations-

• Needing to go whilst giving handover infront of staff/receiving handover
• The same in MDT meetings
• Needing to go halfway through a procedure or chaperoning for a doctor
• During being a one to one for a patients scan
• Needing to go halfway through taking a patient somewhere

• Then I had even more ridiculous intrusive thoughts as I find every single possibility of being trapped e.g. what if I get stuck in a lift/ the medicine cupboard/sluice

Part of me sees how RIDICULOUS this sounds to be a nurse with this stupid anxiety but other people have told me that by getting back into it it would work as like exposure therapy and a lot of it I would overcome or find a nursing role more suitable to me when qualifying e.g practise nursing etc

Please, please help me make this decision I really appreciate other nurses opinions on am I being ridiculous can I just leave for the toilet in some of these situations or am I too
much that it isn’t the role for me? It’s so sad as apart from this stupid fixation I’m actually really good at it and enjoy it.

Ps- I am also 2 weeks into fluoxetine to see if this helps quieten down my intrusive thoughts to more manageable.

Any honest advise would be helpful thank you x

How urgent is the need to go? I'm not a nurse but I work in healthcare environments and there are situations where healthcare professionals simply can't leave - so if you have to go urgently then that will be a problem. If it's the case that you can hold it and it's the anxiety that's the issue, that should be fixable.

Quite urgent, within minutes sometimes. Xx

I think that’s what could be setting off the trapped feeling and my anxiety to be honest the responsibility and feeling like I wouldn’t be able to leave if needed xx

I think you need to be more well mentally and physically before restarting your course. If you need to go in such a short space of time and it’s frequently then try and find meds to improve your quality of life and reduce the urgency or frequency. Once you’re improved then go for it. But I’d also see how your mental health is as you need to be fairly robust and resilient in healthcare.

If you have urgency then I probably wouldn't go back to it.

I had similar with IBS in a retail role years back and would get anxiety of being stuck on a checkout. I ended up starving myself before work and getting in such a state by the end of the shift I was dehydrated and light headed from the lack of food or drink. Nothing ever happened but it can really mess with your thoughts.

This is what I’m thinking surely I shouldn’t be looking after other people if my own head isn’t right but it’s just sad in another world I wouldn’t have this stupid anxiety and be doing what I enjoy xx

It would be such a shame not to be able to do the job you'd really love to do. But healthcare is notorious for not being flexible - if a patient needs you there, you simply can't leave. There are more sedentary and flexible nursing jobs but generally you have to work up to them - most lower-grade jobs do involve hands-on care.

Omg this is exactly how I am.. I was taking loads of Imodium and not eating my whole 12 hour shifts by the end sometimes I’d have a small snack and water but you know exactly how I feel.. I was thinking maybe go back to doing something in beauty like I used to because the responsibility isn’t as massive and can leave if I really need to xx

I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself @Coffeeloveer. Your MH will improve, you just need to find what works for you and take the time needed. Physically you need to try and find if anything can help you. Have you tried FODMAP diet etc. Maybe speak to gastro if you can get referral from GP.

Could you try doing bank work as a HCA and see how it goes? That would give you some practice being hands on with patients and whether you can manage the anxiety, I suppose because you would recognise the patient's need to have you there doing your task.
Would you consider CBT? In many areas you can self refer for this, search your county and CBT.
Sounds like some IBS and that could be helped if you can identify food triggers and try medicines like buscopan; maybe ask your GP for help.

Also just noticed your name - coffee is a notorious bowel stimulant- how much do you drink?

I, too, have IBS and lactose intolerance and I have to follow the low FODMAP diet. As well as avoiding certain foods I also have to be careful about portion size with some of the foods that I can eat. I only drink water, decaf tea and can’t drink coffee at all as even decaf gives me a grumbly tum.
I also found some supplements were aggravating, too, especially standard iron and calcium supplements. I’m now using ones that are gentle on the stomach.

Ex HCP here. You would be able to leave and go to the loo in any of those situations but I think you will know that. You need to address the underlying anxiety. It may transfer to something else otherwise (see ‘floating anxiety’).

I think you'd be OK once you got used to the situation, but until you got to that point you'd be unsure, and anxious. It's a bit like learning to drive - there comes a point where you just have to go for it.
Have you thought about hypnosis? Perhaps it could help. It's been enormously helpful to me in the past.