DH Snapping

[AliCatWalk]

Does anyone else's DH get needlessly snippy and rude in even minorly stressful situations? I get that no one is at their best when stressed, but my default approach is to work together and be supportive of one another when encountering a problem neither of us can control (i.e., mistakenly bought a wrong item, drove to a shop and found out it was closing earlier than expected, et cetera...nothing life-changing or even necessary either of our faults!), whereas my DH seems to use me as a bit of an emotional dumping ground for his frustration with the situation and becomes snippy and antagonistic with me. I am an extremely patient and conflict-avoidant person, so I quite literally never raise any kind of fuss and am always in "de-escalation mode", and it stings when DH seems to view this as an opportunity to view me as a target to satisfy some need for blame. I really try to "live an easy life" and be easy to get along with but DH seems to be chomping at the bit for a squabble sometimes! Does anybody else relate to this?

Importantly, this is not an unsafe situation for me, just to put everyone's mind at rest; I have been in an intensely abusive relationship (P/V/E) before (which I think contributes to my sensitivity to the situation), and although I am 100% safe with my DH, I just feel irritated and disrespected by the way he seems to use me as a scapegoat of sorts when minor problems come up.

Thank you to anyone who read my rant here, I am prepared to accept if I am being overly sensitive, and I suppose my AIBU will be:

YABU - Take it on the chin, you should let these critical comments slide, it's to be expected when a dilemma arises. Just accept the apology afterwards and move on.

YANBU - Yes, that is frustrating as hell, and you shouldn't have to grit your teeth and bear the brunt of the situational frustration.

Abuse isn't just physical- sounds like you're still a target for a man's anger in this relationship

You’re his emotional punch bag . He blames you and uses it as an excuse to have a go. He doesn’t care if that hurts your feelings or upsets you. It leaves you feeling anxious about getting things wrong and your job is to manage things and make him feel better. It’s all about you making him feel good while feeling shit yourself.

Is it abuse? When you have been in an abusive relationship involving violence/ aggression/ anger/fear this seems ok, he doesn’t frighten you or hit you. But it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable behaviour or a normal thing to do.

Is he blaming you? Like he expects you to know what time a shop closes when he doesn’t? That would be entirely unacceptable and irrational.

Or is he venting? Too much of that is unacceptable, and when it’s frequent and over minor inconveniences it would be very annoying.

But I think some people, including me, do vent to the people they are close to just to be heard. I was in mid vent once and my relatively new partner asked why I was angry with them about whatever had pissed me off. That stopped me in my tracks. I was honestly surprised they thought that but realised that is exactly how it seemed. I apologised and said I was talking angrily because I was angry with the problem, not with them. I don’t know if I have always made that clear before venting since then, if I remember that when I’m cross, but it would help if I did.

If he is venting rather than blaming a conversation when all is calm about how he might express that more clearly would help. But if you don’t want him venting to you, it is fine for you to tell him to stop. I’ve used the milder word venting because I know I do it. But I also know it is emotional dumping which no one has to put up with if it bothers them

It's not ok for him to take his frustration out on you. You say you're conflict-avoidance but is that not another way of saying you don't stand up for yourself? Why not tell him calmly that his behaviour is not fair on you and how it makes you feel? I'd be taking myself away from him when he's snippy and irritable with you and telling him that you're not prepared to sit there and let him have a rant at you for something that's not your fault.

Brene Brown on blame…

Link won’t post for some reason but if you google “brene brown Blame” she does a good video on this.

it’s incredibly common. People do it in all sorts of ways. Can be Incredibly damaging in a relationship though and very unhelpful when trying to resolve a problem.