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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was out of order

27 replies

Notthisagainyouidiot · 12/06/2025 23:59

I started seeing a new man in March. So far everything has been great. Until now.
Last year he was involved with Linda (not real name). It was a friend/fwb type relationship. I don't know her, I've never met her so I can only go on what he says, although some of it is backed up by other people.
I think he would have liked it to be a full on relationship but she didn't. It seems that she would say they were friends, then sleep with him, say it was a mistake and they should just be friends and then sleep with him. Repeat.
Round about Christmas they had a big fallout. No longer friends with or without benefits and she de friended him on FB.
She also has had a big birthday earlier this year which involved going away on several holidays.
Now she's back, no holidays or celebrations left. And she texted him. A general how are you, how's work and I believe you've got a new girlfriend. He did respond to this. Fair enough.
He told me that he'd like to see her and tell her how badly she'd treated him, playing with his feelings and leading him on. I did tell him this was probably pointless. As did his friend who saw them together during their on off relationship.
Yesterday morning I asked him what he was doing on his day off. Going for a walk and coffee with Linda. Apparently she'd 'bumped' into him while he was on his lunch on Tuesday and asked to meet up. He described this to me as 'an opportunity to draw a line under it'.
I wasn't best pleased but decided to wait and see what he said when he came to see me in the evening.
So he told me about it. Mainly chit chat about her holidays, her quizzing him about me and he did talk to her about how she'd treated him. Fine. Until he said I want to stay friends with her and I asked him what that would look like.
Apparently he thinks it would be fine to meet up with her for walks and coffee. Let's just say I disagreed. I am not asking him to fall out with her and never speak again. If we bump into her in the pub be pleasant but that arranged meet ups are out of order. This turned into a row but we made up this morning.
So AIBU to say it's out of order to meet up with a woman you were besotted with and had a sort of relationship that never came to a conclusion.
And they're back being FB friends today.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 13/06/2025 00:04

He's a mug. Where's his self respect? She's just playing with him. Nobody needs to keep in touch with a brief fwb who sacked them off.........unless they are hoping for another shot.

Enough4me · 13/06/2025 00:06

He would and you know it, she knows it, don't kid yourself it's about coffee.

Dangermoo · 13/06/2025 00:06

He still wants her and will keep you on the back burner. She's also playing him like a fiddle and the salt sap is falling for it. Dump.

DiscoBob · 13/06/2025 00:06

How do you know so much detail about his previous, supposedly very casual relationship with Linda? He must have talked to you about her in a lot of detail.

Do you think he still fancies her, and that he'd cheat with her?

If you do then you should chuck him as he clearly can't be trusted to have a female friend.

The fact he seems to have so much to say about her does raise alarm bells. Talking about your ex FWB constantly to your girlfriend isn't really normal.

Original poster
Notthisagainyouidiot · 13/06/2025 00:16

He knows she's playing with him again. He recognises that she's no holidays to look forward to and that her interest has rekindled because he's seeing someone.
@DiscoBob he has talked about her to me. I asked him if he'd any ex's in town so he told me some then. He then told me about how much she'd damaged his confidence. If he continues to talk about her I shall consider ending things.

OP posts:
Dangermoo · 13/06/2025 00:20

Notthisagainyouidiot · 13/06/2025 00:16

He knows she's playing with him again. He recognises that she's no holidays to look forward to and that her interest has rekindled because he's seeing someone.
@DiscoBob he has talked about her to me. I asked him if he'd any ex's in town so he told me some then. He then told me about how much she'd damaged his confidence. If he continues to talk about her I shall consider ending things.

You're only 3 months in, so better to end it before you get more involved. I think he's been very disrespectful to you. She clicks her fingers and he goes running. Pathetic.

PondGhost · 13/06/2025 00:26

Gosh, just move on, OP. I would have said your vagina would have clamped shut at the prospect of continuing a relationship with a man hanging round Linda like a chastised puppy hoping its owner will pat it.

Original poster
Notthisagainyouidiot · 13/06/2025 00:31

@Dangermoo disrespectful was definitely a word I used in yesterday's row. I'm in two minds (which was is why we posted here). We have a lot of fun and get along really well. Until this I haven't had an inkling of a single red flag.
If he'd come and said I went for a walk and I'm done I would not have bothered. It's the might go for walks and coffee in the future that fucked me off royally.
I made it v clear to him that meeting her again would be a deal breaker.
I also told him that he knew he was being shady. She caught him Tuesday lunch. I messaged him Tuesday evening asking how his day had been. Not a mention of Linda.....

OP posts:
Dangermoo · 13/06/2025 00:35

Notthisagainyouidiot · 13/06/2025 00:31

@Dangermoo disrespectful was definitely a word I used in yesterday's row. I'm in two minds (which was is why we posted here). We have a lot of fun and get along really well. Until this I haven't had an inkling of a single red flag.
If he'd come and said I went for a walk and I'm done I would not have bothered. It's the might go for walks and coffee in the future that fucked me off royally.
I made it v clear to him that meeting her again would be a deal breaker.
I also told him that he knew he was being shady. She caught him Tuesday lunch. I messaged him Tuesday evening asking how his day had been. Not a mention of Linda.....

Hmmm. Don't let yourself be used because it seems he's not over her. Just because she's mugging him off doesn't mean he can get away with doing the same to you. As you've made it clear what your terms are, the ball's in his court but be prepared for him to choose her. I feel for you x

ARichtGoodDram · 13/06/2025 00:44

Notthisagainyouidiot · 13/06/2025 00:31

@Dangermoo disrespectful was definitely a word I used in yesterday's row. I'm in two minds (which was is why we posted here). We have a lot of fun and get along really well. Until this I haven't had an inkling of a single red flag.
If he'd come and said I went for a walk and I'm done I would not have bothered. It's the might go for walks and coffee in the future that fucked me off royally.
I made it v clear to him that meeting her again would be a deal breaker.
I also told him that he knew he was being shady. She caught him Tuesday lunch. I messaged him Tuesday evening asking how his day had been. Not a mention of Linda.....

No mention of Linda would see me walk away.

Had Linda dangled a proper carrot on their walk he'd have ditched you for her right away.

You don't need to be anyone's back up choice

Dangermoo · 13/06/2025 00:47

ARichtGoodDram · 13/06/2025 00:44

No mention of Linda would see me walk away.

Had Linda dangled a proper carrot on their walk he'd have ditched you for her right away.

You don't need to be anyone's back up choice

Show quote history

Exactly this.

Sosostressedandanxious · 13/06/2025 00:52

It seems quite obvious he will be back in bed with her at the first opportunity.

I don't know why you haven't ended things because their proposed meet ups are them rekindling their previous relationship.

DontTouchRoach · 13/06/2025 00:53

He’s clearly obsessed with Linda, and Linda is clearly keen to keep messing him around.

You’ve only been with this man since March and he’s already carrying on like this? Just ditch him. You can do better than being someone’s insurance offer. He’s a twat and he’s behaving badly.

cannaecookrisotto · 13/06/2025 01:01

He’s an absolute pillock and the only reason he wants to stay friends with Linda is in case she decides she wants a full time relationship with him, whereas she’s only keen because now he’s with you.

If he was that arsed about how she’d treated him he wouldn’t want to know, he should be loved up with you in the honeymoon phase, not meeting his prior shag for coffee. He must think you came down with yesterdays rain.

I’d dump him. Then sit back and laugh when Linda tells him to fuck off once she’s lost interest because he’s single again.

Save yourself the long term headache OP. Get rid.

Original poster
Notthisagainyouidiot · 13/06/2025 01:05

I'm beginning to think this has disaster written all over it....... which is unfortunate because I thought he was a really nice man. Should know better at my age.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 13/06/2025 01:08

No OP - not you. You:be done nothing wrong. It's him, he's an obsessed fool and HE should know better.

Dangermoo · 13/06/2025 01:10

Notthisagainyouidiot · 13/06/2025 01:05

I'm beginning to think this has disaster written all over it....... which is unfortunate because I thought he was a really nice man. Should know better at my age.

Don't beat yourself up. Let her have him and let him realise he lost a good thing, when she dumps him.

Dangermoo · 13/06/2025 01:12

Kitkatcatflap · 13/06/2025 01:08

No OP - not you. You:be done nothing wrong. It's him, he's an obsessed fool and HE should know better.

I mean, imagine being played by somebody who messed you about and is only interested again, because he's got somebody else. Him and Linda sound as insecure as each other and poor OP is in the middle. Bloody men.

girlmum1999 · 13/06/2025 01:49

I had the same situation with an ex, he stated that they were just friends and used to be very close friends however they have never slept together. It started with day meet ups then it was night time drives then it turned to me getting messages from her saying I’m controlling and not letting him see his friends after I voiced the opinion that I am not comfortable with their relationship as friends to then finding secret messages. They now are in a relationship so…..

xPenelopePitstop · 13/06/2025 02:13

Dump him. He should have shut her down in the first instance.

He still has feelings for her and is hoping she will change her mind about him. She’s probably bored and lonely and wants to reignite the FWB situation.

He’s keeping you around for convenience and incase it goes tits up again with the FWB.

Don’t allow your feelings to be hurt in this mess. Life’s too short.

Lindajonesjustcantlivemylife · 13/06/2025 02:31

3 months in and a ton of drama
Bin him and leave him and Linda to their stupid games.

VoltaireMittyDream · 13/06/2025 02:39

Bin him, OP - he’s being desperately needy and pathetic re: Linda and their little walks and chats.

Also weird that he told you all about how she kept rejecting him every time they slept together, and how much this knocked his confidence. That’s not a hugely sexy way to represent yourself to your new girlfriend in the honeymoon period.

Guavafish1 · 13/06/2025 04:26

I was in a similar situation to you …. He is not telling you the full truth…

for me they were still messaging and seeing each other. Let him go… before you get hurt…

Endofyear · 13/06/2025 07:42

Well, you can't tell him who he can or cannot be friends with, but you can walk away. You've only been seeing him a short while so there's not a lot to untangle! It sounds to me like he's still got feelings for her and she enjoys playing with his emotions. You can bet it won't be long before she makes another 'mistake' and they end up shagging!

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 13/06/2025 07:50

cannaecookrisotto · 13/06/2025 01:01

He’s an absolute pillock and the only reason he wants to stay friends with Linda is in case she decides she wants a full time relationship with him, whereas she’s only keen because now he’s with you.

If he was that arsed about how she’d treated him he wouldn’t want to know, he should be loved up with you in the honeymoon phase, not meeting his prior shag for coffee. He must think you came down with yesterdays rain.

I’d dump him. Then sit back and laugh when Linda tells him to fuck off once she’s lost interest because he’s single again.

Save yourself the long term headache OP. Get rid.

Edited

This.
I don't want to be goady OP but this reminds me of high school.
She only wants him because he's told her about you. She knows she can have him at the drop of a hat and probably enjoys the challenge.

He's interesting now he's "taken" and will drop him like a hot potato when he dumps you for her.

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