To be very upset with my Dh, so disappointed

[ThunderRoads]

We never had a good relationship with MIL, she really has been very nasty to me over the years -not recently though but she is not a nice person in general. My DD was off today and went for a coffee with her- she is local to us and she has osteoporosis her back is really bent and she said to my DH that she must have done something really bad to some people or had bad thoughts so she is getting punished like this and my DH said oh xxx is in really trouble then (xxx being me)while we were having a drink at our local pub he told me this and I got really really upset and asked him why he always has to put me down like this- he then collaborated and said like you say bad things about people/ I asked an example/ he says to me my old boss who asked me to come back to her business and treated me really bad and then made me and my whole team redundant out of the blue- i was jobless for 6 months, and i got super duper annual reviews got my top bonus etc and 6 months later gone- well I said things like I wish her business sucks etc anyway he couldn’t give anh other examples as i am not an evil person like his mum!! I am really really upset- he never stood up for me when all things happened in the past and now he is putting ke down like this just so she can feel herself better!!! Not sure why I am even writing this I guess hearing things from strangers gives a different perspective

How strange. Do you generally go round wishing awful things on people? Tbh you don't sound very nice

@FedupofArsenalgameNo I don’t wish for any bad on anybody! We all say things like oh that person treated me like this and that but never ever wish for anh bad for anybody my DH should know that too! Not sure how i come across as a not nice person, can you expand

You sound like you agree that your MIL deserves osteoporosis because she is somehow worse in behaviour than you. But you give no examples of things she has done.

I would assume your DH was just joking, a stupid comment to make his mother feel better, probably not overthought as much as you are overthinking it.
You sound a bit bitter in your post and dare I say it, a bit unkind.

That doesn't make sense. She isn't suggesting other people are saying bad things about her she is suggesting she has said or done something bad and her bad back is her punishment for that - karma.

yeah, I don't see why he had to bring you into this at all, especially when he knows your relationship with her isn't good. Why stir shit like that? It's understandable that you're upset.

You sound very sensitive.

It was a stupid off the cuff joke between a mother and son.

Can you give some context as to why you think she's evil and nasty?

I can’t read your post all the way through. Could you use some punctuation?

I totally get what you are saying!! I agree why did your husband have to bring you into that conversation with his mother. FFS. Old bat is probably now blaming you for her suffering🙈

Your DH is making no sense, his mum is saying she has osteoporosis as a punishment/karma for being an unkind person, thats different to saying its caused cos someone else wished bad luck on you like he is saying ( all nonsense anyway, she has it largely because she's a post menopausal woman, and maybe partly due to diet/genetics)
I'd have just thought it something he just said off the cuff as a response without thinking it through and it meant nothing, but I don't know why he repeated it to you

It’s not clear what you think your DH meant by what he said. His mother thinks she did something bad to other people to have deserved to be punished with osteoporosis, so your DH thinks that you have a horrible disease in your future because you are also unpleasant to other people?

We are married for 21 years, when my DH first broke the news to them that he asked me to marry him when they were visiting (we used to live abroad then and I am not British) - first thing she said oh you are joking- so this is the start of our relationship I was young then not taking notice or reacting to anything and years passed, whenever they came to visit me she was saying things on purpose to push my buttons and when I reply to her in a nice way, she would then go to my DH twisting what I said to her! Years on then we had our daughter- the only child in husband side of family- she was never welcomed- his sister even said to other brother that she has only one brother now as referring to my DH that how dare he has a baby that we couldn’t afford to have a baby ( at that time we were running a very successful business, living our high life) when DD is school age we decided to move to England- I have been working here since the month we moved, we both working of course and she and dad living literally opposite our house! They basically refused to have our DD for a few hours after school - and a chance for them to bond with her really- so I had to reduce my hours etc! She made comments to people saying oh my older son cane back to England bringing his problems ( me and my daughter) so things like this- then having a family gathering with sister, bf and the brother, mum and dad in London, she asks me if our DD can join - I say yes of course as I want them to bond but not asking me to join- in the meantime, since we moved here 13 years now I have them over for Xmas dinner, every Easter roast lunch, I looked after dad before he died as she was also poorly and sister and brother were nowhere to be seen- so things like that, maybe I am too bitter about all this past

Rubbish!

It sounds like your mil and DH are very similar and like to put people down

Does your DH moan about you to mil behind your back?

I think people do say stuff like that as a joke
I wouldn’t have got upset because I’d know it was banter. I don’t mind being “the mean one” because my having zero tolerance for annoying people is well known

The fact your “DH” clarified that he thinks you are a bit nasty isn’t great though . He should have said “ I was joking”.Guessing you got upset because you think your DH doesn’t like you much?

We talked about this in depth last night, he said that he is very sorry he meant as a joke, nothing more and he said he only can think of my ex boss that I was talking bad about- like saying ‘I hate that woman, how she treated us etc’ as she hurt me so much but that’s really it! This is not me talking or thinking bad about people constantly and he agreed as he can’t think of anything else than ex boss! He said he doesn’t know why he brought me in the conversation, he just did! Thanks for all your comments, I do appreciate it

He shouldn't have brought you into it. It's implying that you are two faced and always talking badly about people. Either he meant it as a really misguided joke or he thinks that of you, is it possible you do this without realising and he just couldn't think of examples? If it was the former, then he needs to be careful what he says and not be so stupid again. Dh said something like that once, we had people over for dinner and he said something like 'I'd better get the good jug or there will be WW3 when you all go home' . I was really upset it was that kind of stupid jokey comment that people make but underneath implying that I'm really highly strung and get upset about house stuff like that. What particularly enraged me is I am not like that and find people like that to be a pain in the ass and he knows that.

@Dontlletmedownbruceexactly this- thank you! That really upset me as saying a stupid joke like that to his mum- bringing me down as a nasty person as she is or was when she was younger- just to make her feel better - I said things about her when she really hurt me in the past- I think it is normal human emotions but never thought of her having health related issues or anything like that! We go running when she feels poorly, look after her etc that’s what hurt me more than anything I am not that person

Have we read the same post ? Seriously

Totally agree with you @ThunderRoads

Joking about you with your MIL when he knows how awful she has been to you throughout the years just adds fuel to the fire and I bet she was rubbing her hands with glee.

I am glad he has acknowledged it was inappropriate now.

However one thing I would say - it wasn't their job to provide childcare while you were working so I wouldn't use this as an example as why she is nasty. You could have paid for childcare after school rather than reduce hours. This is a separate issue to how she generally treats you inappropriately.

I understand why you felt upset, after the way she has treated you, your H’s remark, was inappropriate. It makes out that you are just as bad a MIL and even encouragement to talk badly of you to him.
Even though you have been treated like an outsider, not welcomed into the family, you are the one who cared for your FIL until he died and you help your MIL, when she needs it. You’re the one who they can rely on, who has treated them as family, which makes you the better person.
I’m glad your H has seen how hurtful and disrespectful his remark to his mum was to you.
He’s very lucky he married you, as a lot of women would have gone NC with his family’s treatment of them.
I think it’s a good thing they never helped with child care for your DD, she could have been influenced by them and exposed to their feelings about you whilst in their ‘care’.

@SpryCat@Spirallingdownwards thank you so much for acknowledging my pain, you are so right. As for the childcare, it was more like a bonding thing for me rather than child minding- I have reduced my hours and worked school hours anyway for years until she could be on her own at home- always worked locally as well- so my point was for them to have a bonding with their only grandchild- one time I had to leave her with them (DD was 9) as DH forgot his wallet at home and on the way home his car broke down, he was waiting for help and had no money at all - at that time we weren’t using our phones to pay for stuff. So I asked MIL if it was ok for them to have DD for an hour or two until we get home, she agreed and I dropped her off with them and went off to help my DD. It was like 8ish when we came back- she told us that she hasn’t fed my DD as she only had enough food for two of them and had nothing to feed my daughter! And she said this when we picked her up! I mean what is this-a joke? I asked if she didn’t have bread and butter at least. I wasn’t expecting her to starve themselves and feed a 9 year old child instead but they could have given her something! I know these are little things happened throughout so my DD has no relationship with her now as mil never made any effort to bond with her- I am always upset about this as I always wanted us to have good family ties here! On my part, I made every effort

So you think osteoporosis is caused by being a 'bad' person?

... anyway he couldn’t give anh other examples as i am not an evil person like his mum!!

MN is increasingly full of posters who either don't read or wilfully ignore the OP in their rush to have a nasty little dig. It's getting so tired.

OP: AIBU is not the place for anything requiring nuance, sensitivity or reading comprehension.

You can’t force people to be nice or to want to be part of a loving family. You have tried your best but that’s the kind of people they are. It’s beyond cruel to not feed a child, knowing they are missing meal times and eat in front of them, I’d of given her my meal if I didn’t have enough to feed all of us.
I hope your daughter @ThunderRoads has taken after you in personality as you sound so kind, loving and family orientated x

No. It was MIL who said that she has osteoporosis because she did or said something bad. The OP's 'D'H then suggested to MIL that if that's how it works OP must have something bad coming to her - implying that OP does or says bad things.

OP is the one person who hasn't suggested that osteoporosis is caused by being a bad person.