Would you feel funny about ‘nanny’ taking friend in car with your child without telling you ?

[howiea]

I wouldn’t call this person our proper full time nanny, although she used to be. Now she does some school drop offs and pick ups for us.

I have known her for 3 years or so. So not exactly a short time and she’s definitely trusted, in that sense.

anyway, today I noticed that she had a friend with her in the car, when she came to drop my kids off. As she was driving away, I saw this person in the car.

I think it’s harmless. She works on her other job with a friend of hers, it could easily have been the case that they finished their work and then went to pick up my kids together. I know that’s probably what’s happened.

on one hand that’s how I feel about it. On the other hand, I guess I would maybe like to know who is in the car when my kids are in the car ? But another argument again is that I of course trust my ‘ nanny ‘ not to put my kids in harms way. Otherwise I would not get her to do drop offs and pick ups for me and I wouldn’t have had her as a fully time nanny working for us before.

I am in two minds. I guess I would just prefer a heads up. ‘ hope you don’t mind, me and my friend are doing x before of y after the pick up, so she’ll be in the car ‘..

what does everyone think ?

my kids are 3 and 5.

I don't think it's an issue personally. They aren't interacting with or caring for your kids.

My nanny was always meeting up with friends of hers, none of whom I ever met.

I think my take is - you trust them, or you don’t. And, being with them together is rather different to leaving the child alone with this person.

So she's picked your kids up from school and then dropped them off at your house? I'd be grateful I had her - I cannot see an issue with her having anyone in the car with her. It's not like your children are being left alone with this person if they are simply on a journey.

I think you are being a bit precious. What do you think is going to happen? If your kids are over at someone’s house for a play date you have no idea who else is there.

No I wouldn’t but that’s because I trust my nanny and her judgement. And in fact often encourage her to feel free to do things for her own “life admin” while looking after my youngest who is two - such as going to the post office / chemist or whatever - because that is a part of life. If I saw her with someone in the car I would presume there was a reason for it, and wouldn’t think much of it, but she probably would have mentioned it to me as a courtesy. For example, a few weeks ago she needed to drop her dad down to the garage to pick up his car after an MOT and she mentioned it in the morning.

I suspect she's taken your children to the park when other people were also there, and to playgroups, and really all sorts of people in all sorts of situations. I think it's probably quite difficult to sexually assault a child in a car surreptitiously whilst another trusted adult is in the car not noticing. Don't make something you don't think is a thing a thing?

If you start over thinking something as innocent as that, without all the facts it's down the rabbit hole you go.
It may have been a friend who she hadn't seen for ages and was just around the corner
Or it may be her friend who is a drugs mule and needed a quick get a away.....

Well as you can see, I’m not exactly saying it’s super out of order. I just would have thought, out of courtesy she may have mentioned it.

I think if your child is in child care of any sort they will interact with strangers. It's part of life and no cause for concern.

Don’t see the issue - you trust your nanny

I always met up with people and sometimes had them and child in car with me

That really wouldn’t worry me. If she was asking her friend to pick your children up without her, then that’s a different story.

At these drop offs paid for care? Is the car provided by you?

I think that if this sort of “courtesy” is important to you, you need to convey that very clearly - because most people wouldn’t see giving somebody a lift as something they needed to let anyone know beforehand. As others have said, she’ll take your children all kinds of places to meet all kinds of people as part of caring for them - sometimes she might meet other nannies and kids and pick up or drop them home, she’ll go to play dates and so on. Your children in the care of their nanny, who you say you trust, and your nanny is going to assume that decisions she makes about who she lets your children meet are acceptable.

Well if it's a mild matter of courtesy then it's not really a biggie, is it? To be honest, if it's her car then I think she can pick up/ drop off whoever she likes as long as there is space/ time for her to do her job properly. If she's using your car then that's a different matter.

If it were me, I really wouldn't think I needed to notify you that someone would be in the car if your children are often in other adults' company in the park, groups etc.

Of course I pay for it! And yes she uses her own car, but I pay her very well to cover her costs.

She doesn’t take my kids to parks etc. she just drives them home to me. She used to take them to places and when I posted about this, two years ago, everyone on Mumsnet was up in arms because I was happy for her to go and visit her nan with my kids in tow. I felt so bad that I had allowed her to meet a friend for coffee while she was with my then, young son.

it made me super paranoid and reconsider our whole arrangement at the time to be honest. Ever since then I’ve felt differently about all of this stuff. So many posters were slating me for being so careless.

Going against the grain to say yes, I think it's an issue she did this during work hours. It's not an issue per se that she's done that, but it is that she didn't just give you a quick heads up or perfunctorily ask if you're comfortable.

I work with children and generally I think this industry is held to quite high safeguarding standards. It's like if a childminder had a random man or woman (not partner - unknown to you earlier) hanging out with them and the kids in the house without mentioning it to you.

Plus being in this industry I have seen/heard plenty of funny cases before. Being enclosed in such proximity (especially if in the backseat) while the nanny is focusing on driving has iffy potential. Also especially a concern if this friend is male (you didnt mention gender) — and even if this friend is female, what's to stop her from picking up guy friends in future too.
(Please note I'm not trying to fearmonger, realistically it's only a 0.1% possibility that friend is / future friends are dodgy, but my personal creed about the kids I work with is better safe than sorry)

That said in your position I've no idea how I'd handle it. It does come across as control freak like to raise this to her. But again I think most people working with kids should and would already have known to run it by the parent first.

I think other nannies, kids and parents are obviously different and "vetted" as safe though? I've known of nannies bringing their boyfriends to hang out with their charges (without informing the parent) and I think that's quite off.

Also some people are acting like the school drop offs and pick ups are a favour but realistically they will be paid for and part of her work duties and working hours. Not saying to not give her freedom and space, but it's not exactly a freebie favour either!

I think I just would prefer her to say ‘ hey, you know when I pick the kids up / drop them off, sometimes my friend Tina will be with me, because I’m taking her to work after ‘. Or something like that. I don’t think her friends would do anything bad to my kids. But I just like to know who is around my kids. Even if it’s just for a 30 minute car journey.

Yes even if nothing dodgy will happen, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to want to know, OP. It's just about transparency and respect.

I like a lot of freedom and trust when I work with kids; micromanaging parents really irritate me. But as with any other job, surely if your friend is hanging around while you work (whether in the office or while nannying or whatever), you inform your boss?

It's not like meeting other people (eg on a playdate or trip to the store) which is part of the job. It's just some unrelated person hanging around you (and the kids you're in charge of) while you work. And not even mentioning the additional safeguarding concerns here.

I'm sure it's just an oversight on her part, but also, I would wonder what else she didn't think was worth mentioning to me. Admittedly I am paranoid though having been previously scarred so take with grain of salt. Just wanted to offer my perspective.

I do understand where you're coming from @howiea . You are paying for her to do this so yes I think she ought to tell you who will be in her car with your kids.

Maybe she really thought it was uneventful so didnt mention it

I think you’re being massively over the top. They’re sat in a car, not attending a sleepover unattended.