Does my partner have a point?

[AML1103]

Hi All,

so me and my partner have a 6 month old son together. It’s my partners 1st child but I do also have a 7 year old from a previous relationship.

my family have said quite a few times since our son has been born that he is a (our family surname) and almost every time they see him, they say it at least once infront of my partner. At first my partner just brushed it off but he is now starting to find it very disrespectful.

The problem is, I am the only daughter. I have 7 nieces and nephews and they all have our family surname but my kids don’t because they have there fathers surname. I think my parents are struggling to understand that my children are slightly different in that sense and whilst I think they mean it harmlessly, my partner feels as though they are disrespecting the fact that he is his father and he has his surname and feels as though my family resent that.

I kind of agree, I think my family wish my children had the same surname as them and I do think they make it quite obvious but at the same time I don’t think they are purposely trying to hurt my partner however they do tend to say it a lot.

my family love control, for example, I once put a post up on Facebook for my mother in laws birthday and said happy birthday to the best Nanny, I noticed my mum went weird with me for a while so I asked her what was up and she said it upset her that I said she was the best nanny, however what my mum failed to remember was when it was her birthday I also did the same for her.

all my brothers have had children with women that don’t have family so all my sister in laws are like actual kids to my parents and there kids only have my parents as grandparents whereas my kids have 2 sets of grandparents and different surnames and I just don’t think they like it at all.

what should I do? It’s getting awkward now because I don’t want my partner around them because I’m scared of what craziness there gonna come out with but at the same time they are my family. I want my partner to know I understand and I don’t agree with it but I don’t want to fall out with everyone and I know it could easily happen because my family are very sensitive and will see nothing wrong with how they are

It's not your child's name. It is disrespectful, controlling and they are being dicks.

Are they actually referring to their name? I’ve said similar to cousins kids etc when their child has all our family’s characteristics. Ie they really look like the people on our side of the family.

As in, wow you can tell they are a smith (even if it’s not their name).

No, I don't think your partner has a point. It's a colloquial way of saying that a young child appears to have inherited some physical features common on one side of the family. It's a very standard turn of phrase and, even with the additional background you provided, it doesn't strike me as remotely controlling. It's a bit like saying "he has his mother's eyes".

You and your DP are being unduly sensitive.

This!

I have a fix for this: every time they say it you smile and say “and a (partner’s name)”. Every single time but keep it light and non-confrontational. That way you’re supporting your partner without starting a row.

As already said it means he looks like your side of the family

All my cousins are proud to be part of the same Clan. Even though they all have different surnames, when we get together we are one family united by one set of Grandparents. And now we're adults, only the males born of males still have the surname! Both your children are part of your clan.

If they're pressuring you for your children to have the same surname, that's a different matter. If your partner ends up formally adopting your eldest then you might want to double barrel their names so they do share a surname. My best friend was always embarrassed that she had a different surname to her younger brother. But it's not a decision for your family to make.

I wouldn’t make a big deal of this. It will stop soon. It’s something family say about newborns. Once the baby is older and starts developing a personality and becoming more active, they’ll start talking about that.
I would echo the PP above and every time they say “he’s a real Smith” or whatever your name is, say and “he’s a real Jones (DP’s name). But you know, mum, he’s already his own person - a real wee individual and utterly unique”.
just bat it off every time. Subtlety support your DP around your family. They are being a bit insensitive and he’s being a bit over sensitive. Just concentrate everyone on the wonders of the new baby. You can all bond around that without anyone having to take ownership of his characteristics.