To be grateful to MN for helping me realise this?

[MatthewL]

I posted another thread about the fact my mum called me selfish for liking my own company as a child.

This landed very badly with me as I’m an only child and had already been called the various insults associated with that stereotype.

As a result of being desperate to avoid being labelled selfish I became a doormat and was badly bullied and humiliated and went into abusive relationships.

MNetters responding to my post says it’s not ‘selfish’ to like your own company.

AIBU to say thank you MN these responses have helped me so much

Sending support from a fellow 'only' here.

It is a very good thing to be comfortable in your own company.

Thank you - ❤️ - and I totally agree.

j think it’s actually a very ‘streetwise’ thing NOT to socialise in any situation you feel uncomfortable in

I’m not an only child and I love my own company 😂

Your mum is clearly conflating self sufficiency with selfishness when they’re entirely different concepts. Enjoying your own company does not make you any more or any less likely to think predominantly of yourself over others, just means you don’t need the company or approval of others to derive happiness which makes you strong in my book!

I saw your other thread. Welcome to the Maverick club, where you don't rely on anyone to let you down x

Thank you so much ❤️

I remember your other thread. Your mother was projecting.

I'm one of a big family, but my mother projected all over the place onto all of us.

As a timid people-pleaser who never had friends, married to a semi-reclusive man who almost certainly had ASD, she desperately longed to have jolly, extrovert children who were always tumbling around in the middle of a gang and grew up to be stalwarts of sports clubs and pub wits, because that was her own secret wish.

Her daughters in particular were supposed to be SAHMs to large jolly families of sporty, popular children who weren't too clever, and to be continually dashing off to Bingo and Zumba with bevies of friends from their 'little jobs'.

Of course, what she actually modelled was 'Other people aren't to be trusted' and 'Friendship must be bought with services' and 'Never refuse an invitation or people will think you think you're better than them', so, alas, she produced five highly-academic, self-contained, career-minded individuals, four of whom stayed childfree by choice. All of us spent a lot of money on therapy to unpick our childhood scripts and learn how to make friends in adulthood.

Thanks everyone who’s responded - the way I see it - selfishness as we understand it has more to do with an actual identifiable ‘act’ of behaviour that inconveniences others like blocking a road when you could easily drive a tiny bit further and pull in, eating a family member’s sweets they’ve saved for an outing thinking they could easily replace them, being unnecessarily noisy at home and not considering the impact on neighbours etc

But that’s the think I rolled over and bowed down to my mum and wish I hadn’t .. it led me to bad relationships and lack of confidence at best - serious bullying and humiliation at worse.

I felt I had to bow down otherwise .. drunken tantrums ….

You've got the rest of your life to enjoy now - go out there and grasp it. You sound life you've found a new lease of life. 👊

Does your mum like talking about you, maybe to family and friends?

I only ask because my mother enjoys being able to tell her sisters about me, FAR more than she enjoys knowing me. If ever I talk it's an exercise in collecting facts that she can pass on, and then she tells me she's done that and this sister was impressed, or whatever.

If you weren't providing content for her, then maybe she felt hard-done-by in some warped way.

Thank you - much appreciated ❤️

There’s an element of this definitely!

Sorry about that, it is really horrible in a very boring way. I'm no use, I manage it by telling my mother next to nothing any more!

It is the opposite of selfish.
Enjoying your own company is a gift.
I'm glad you are feeling better, words can really hurt.

Please say you now have nothing to do with her in any shape or form?

Thank you - and yes they definitely can!

I was read the thread you started Op, and the consensus was rather different from supportive of you? Basically you can’t blame your mother for everything, which is what most agreed?

She’s dead - so no!

Yes - agree, but even those who ‘disagreed’ with me on that thread did say that selfishness doesn’t mean lack of sociability (whatever the reason) and that’s the point that was significant to me coz took me ages to unlearn thus.

I’m the oldest of 3.

I like my own company and found childhood difficult because I encouraged to mix more than I was comfortable with.

My ds is very like me in personality and is an only.

Im actually very sociable and so is DS but we are really happy in our own company and do t rely on others for happiness and don’t feel the need to join in with others because they think we should find the same things as them - “fun”.

YANBU.

Most didn’t even comment on that particular line of questioning

No but at least 2 did and that was enough for me 🙌

I hope you took on board what the majority were saying too

Your thread was to think being “easily led” is the opposite of selfish

now’t to do with social or not