AM I KIDDING MYSELF? please help.

[Coffeeloveer]

Please tell me as honest as possible (I can take it) I just want to solve this dilemma as its ongoing and driving me mad…

So I’ve had “toilet anxiety” for the last 13 years triggered by being trapped in a situation where I couldn’t get to a toilet (had diarrhoea) luckily I didn’t soil myself and made it but it triggered something inside me
because of my ongoing ibs/lactose intolerance.

I managed this anxiety enough through college and (kind of) half way through my nursing degree. However, lockdown triggered alot of this and the uncertainty exacerbated this anxiety which eventually led to me leaving my course at the end of second year.

I’ve been consistently toying with the idea of going back and completing my training as it’s obviously my dream career. But am scared of getting back into it as I don’t trust my anxiety.. one minute I’m like how can I not do my dream job because of this stupid problem but the next I’m like I’m kidding myself that I can do a job with such responsibility when I’m busy worrying about the toilet…

The role itself I didn’t find stressful (within reason). Other than this toilet thing I am actually a very confident person you wouldn’t think I was secretly dealing with this. My main concern (as ridiculous as it sounds) was certain aspects of the responsibilities was making me feel like I can’t get to the toilet when urgent… in these situations-

• Needing to go whilst giving handover infront of staff/receiving handover
• The same in MDT meetings
• Needing to go halfway through a procedure or chaperoning for a doctor
• During being a one to one for a patients scan
• Needing to go halfway through taking a patient somewhere

• Then I had even more ridiculous intrusive thoughts as I find every single possibility of being trapped e.g. what if I get stuck in a lift/ the medicine cupboard/sluice

Part of me sees how RIDICULOUS this sounds to be a nurse with this stupid anxiety but other people have told me that by getting back into it it would work as like exposure therapy and a lot of it I would overcome or find a nursing role more suitable to me when qualifying e.g practise nursing etc

Please, please help me make this decision I really appreciate other nurses opinions on am I being ridiculous can I just leave for the toilet in some of these situations or am I too
much that it isn’t the role for me? It’s so sad as apart from this stupid fixation I’m actually really good at it and enjoy it.

Ps- I am also 2 weeks into fluoxetine to see if this helps quieten down my intrusive thoughts to more manageable.

Any honest advise would be helpful thank you x

Bump

You could order a just can’t wait card. Hand it to someone if you need a toilet and there isn’t one.

Have you considered hypnotherapy for your anxiety/phobia?

Make a diary for a week and write down the times you have had to stop what you are doing immediately and dash to a toilet.

The possibility of you being caught in an emergency situation is causing the anxiety not the actually reality that only very occasionally or even not at all that you would have to stop in mid sentence talking to someone and flee to a toilet.

I find being anxious or nervous about something makes me feel like I need the loo, so your situation sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy.
I really would see about talking to someone about it and what measures you can put in place so you feel more in control of your body.
It would be a shame to miss out on a dream career because of this. I do think if you started to do the job you might see you can actually manage things and it's not as bad as your feared it might be, but I get the fear of the unknown is a very real thing. I hope you find something that helps you with this 💐

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this level of anxiety, it must be exhausting. Have you ever had any sort of therapy to try to work through this? I do think you're right and if you stick with it the exposure will help quieten the anxiety, but it may be easier if a therapist gives you some techniques. I'd also hope this is something which would be covered under making reasonable adjustments in the workplace, so if you do disappear off suddenly your supervisors would look to support you rather than disciplining. I would definitely let your Pastoral care at the course know and see whether they've got experience in helping students overcome similar difficulties.

I really feel for you. As others have said, the energy this level of anxiety is significant.
Have you considered CBT or other therapy? I know that sounds a little trite but changing your thinking and behaviour will help. Especially as it appears to be such a specific issue. It would be an “easy” target for therapy

CBT and medication have helped me so much.

Google your local talking therapies service and get yourself some CBT to challenge some of your unhelpful thoughts / anxiety management techniques.

I actually have one of these cards… I have never thought to take it into work. I feel like I get so embarrassed about having to leave the situations if I’m at a time of need thinking my colleagues will be thinking can you not just wait lol I know this sounds ridiculous btw X

i have also had CBT twice one was for public transport regarding this and another time after I left uni it helped to an extent but that’s why I am trying the medication now so do people think I’m better off trying to pursue this career and my anxiety should start to get better by exposing myself? Xx

Surely you mention it (on the disabilities section of an application?) if you ever apply for a job - "May need to run for a shit at any given moment".

That way you should have the understanding of your employers before you even start. It's not something that's ever affected me personally, but I did work with a guy who had Crohn's - he had to make some emergency dashes, but it didn't affect his day to day work 99.9% of the time.

Hi Op. Nurse here. Do you actually have episodes of incontinence? If so you could try wearing an anal plug which would prevent any accidents. Depending where you work it may be difficult to just leave and go to the toilet.
When I had anxiety about returning to work due to time out from nursing I shadowed another nurse, unpaid, for a few shifts a week, for a month until I felt ready to take a patient load . I know you said it’s not the job causing your anxiety but maybe this might work for you to see if you do actually need to cut and run and you won’t be leaving any pts stranded.
Best of luck.

I felt compelled to create an account just to reply to you.

This was me! I spent over 2 dreadful years trapped with toilet anxiety. I didn't do things I wanted to do and if I did I felt physically sick or mentally sick throughout.

It started very similar to you where I feel like it was pure chance I didn't soil myself. But similarly also, I had just finished training and working in a job similar to nursing, which is high responsibility and stress with low reward.

Looking back, I think I wasn't coping and being "ill" all the time, made it so I didn't have to face up to other things in my life. I went to work every single day, took no time to heal or recover for a long time. So I just dragged my tired and mentally unwell self around.

The pains I'd feel in my stomach, the constant urges to go to the toilet, all felt real. I changed my whole diet and barely ate for fear of trigging my stomach and believing I had IBS. I was a size 12 before and was a size 6 during that illness.

I had counselling, the counsellor was actually someone from my industry so I felt they had some insight. I adopted the DARE anxiety method and used it all the time to stop me being overwhelmed by panic and I started using biokult prebiotic, even though I was terrified of the side effects. When you've had any stomach problems you lose good bacteria and that stops you producing serotonin. I stuck to it and within 2 weeks I felt a lift in mood, I upped my dose a few months in and felt another lift.

I am not sure which of the three did the trick or whether I needed to do all of them but I healed. I feel genuinely recovered. I've learnt to trust my body again, which I didn't think was possible.

My recovery was not linear and it took about a year but I'd say I don't think the same way any more. It's been around 4 years.

The root is mental health, for me OCD and anxiety. I had a childhood of hypervigilence to a parent and that hypervigilence played out this way when I was stressed and had too much responsibility. When you look into your history have you had similar mental health episodes but they've manifested differently?

I didn't take medication but that was only for fear of what might do to my stomach, at the time, I support your decision.

I think you can go back to training but be mindful how it might have been part of the trigger and how you might have different coping strategies this time.

I really wish you all the best and if you have any questions, please ask.

I know how awful and lonely it is and my heart goes out to you.