15 months olds behaviour...help

[HowManyDucks]

15 months old has started testing boundaries. I know it's a normal part of development and they aren't being naughty per se, but at the same time I'm not sure the best approach to deal with it.

She's just turned 15 months. Very happy and curious also very headstrong and independent. Quite an early developer, confident walker by 9 months and using three words together to make herself understood. I only say this because when she ignores me I can be confident she hears and understands but is either choosing not to or just blanking me out because she's busy doing her own thing.

Generally she is really good. Follows instructions very well but she can really be a handful. I find when she masters a new skill her behaviour or rather listening gets worse for a week or two after.

Currently, she is using the word "no" a lot.
"Let's put our shoes" ..."NO no no! Wellies" was this morning. At the moment I try and pick the battles.

She's getting frustrated when she can't do something straight away. And can get quite whiney (this is new, the last couple of days)

Also she has started holding on to my leg when I'm cooking and putting all her body weight on it so that if I move shed faceplant the floor. It's hard when cooking because obviously it's hot in the kitchen. She knows shes not allowed on the kitchen when I'm cooking, this is definitely boundary testing.

She is particularly challenging at baby groups where she seems to gain selective hearing and just does her own thing. People comment eg. Today someone said "she's a real character" before she'd even got out of the pushchair...

I know this is all normal behaviour but I honestly don't know how to react sometimes. When I see other babies her age sitting on their parents laps and singing the songs I wonder why my kid is the one I the middle doing gymnastics and being vocal!

Any tips for a first time mum fast approaching the toddler years??? Thanks

Also embrace that she wants to be with you, i had to with my son as he loves being near grownups watching and doing, so we had a toddler tower in the kitchen since he was a year old and he chops soft veg or I roll out clay and he cuts shapes etc while I cook, its a lovely thing actually. Be nice to use to loo alone one day but I'll miss my shadow the rest of the time😅

I can only go on a walk with my 18mth baby if I'm happy to hold her like a rugby ball while she pushes the buggy. If I force her to stay in the buggy, she is capable of screaming/crying until she vomits. I've had to UBER my way home from the playground 3 times in the last 2 weeks.
Your child sounds like a dream tbh. Just keep telling yourself 'this is just a phase'.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I would say don't ever pick your battles over something youve already said. If you say its time for shoes then don't back down. Picking battles is if theyre playing messily and you decide to ignore it. Be careful with the instructions you give out because you have yo make sure they're followed through on.

Solidarity ! It's hard bloody work !

If she's refusing to put her clothes or coat on, say "Ok, mine. Not yours!", put it on your head and walk away. It works almost every time for us, and the little miscreant is usually running after us wanting to wear the previously offending item. It's also good for your posture to try to balance a shoe on your head.

This is genius actually. Making your stroppy toddler laugh is brilliant for defusing refusals. The sillier you are the more they like it 😁

Sorry OP - a 15 month old isn’t close to being capable of understanding/following something like ‘not allowed in the kitchen while mummy is cooking’, your expectations are way too high. Just because she sometimes follows an instruction like ‘get your shoes’ doesn’t mean she’s wilfully ignoring all other requests, she’s super young, barely a toddler.

ikea do a sort of standing-stool-tower thingie so that toddlers can climb in and clamber up to a little standing-platform that allows them to be at the same height as the kitchen counter-top. My DSIL made one for my DGS when he was at that age. Enabled him to feel included at meal-prep time. V useful at this stage.

Thanks for the replies! Some have some good advice. I bought a standing tower for the kitchen which arrived yesterday. It was a complete game changer. She loved being on it and was happy watching me cook. 👍👍

I do give her options sometimes. The wellies are a novelty and yes I did let her wear them because, why not? I worry that I let her get her own way too much but then again I share the 'pick your battles' mentality. I'm pretty firm with my boundaries. Eg. At a baby group she can pick things up and look at them, make noise etc. but not take something off another child or throw a hard object.

For those that say I have high expectations. I do. She absolutely understands what she is absolutely not allowed to do like put her finger in a socket. The enthusiastic point and "ah ah, hot" to the oven are give aways! There is a line in our kitchen and she knows not to cross it. Obviously impulse control is a completely different thing!

I understand its "normal" behaviour...whatever that is. However, it's the first time I'm dealing with it. "Just chill, it's normal all kids go through a phase like this" isn't very helpful really.

I've tried doing fake choosing eg. "Go an choose a nappy." And she responds really well. Likewise, put your clothes in the dirty washing, she loves helping. I do think the ignoring is really because she's focused or engrossed in something else It's worse at the end of the day for sure. This is the thing I find the hardest and it's been especially hard this week.

I'd say 80% of the time she's really good but the other 20% can be a challenging. She's not ever naughty, i would say kind of like an excitable spaniel with selective hearing.

I have to admit 20 years ago I woukd even sit him on the counter top so he could " help". But cooking fests when they are awake are tricky. Peeling potatoes was ok. Also get your main meal prep done early in the day when everyone has more energy.

oh and if you are interested my 1 year old " helper" has just sat his finals at Oxbridge. It is a sign of curiosity and intelligence.

Yeah, any actual help would be an supervised activity at this point rather than a distraction. Too young to be peeling potatoes. I gave her a tupperware box and a spatula to hold and that was all it took. i hope she will help a bit when she's older. For now, I glad to have found a solution to the leg clinging thing.

A lot of those things you just have to ride it out, she will grow out of it (and replace it some other really frustrating behaviour! 😂).

I would be careful not to focus too much on "don't do this" (e.g. for the plugs). I found that it worked fine when they were young and they listen, but as soon as they start testing boundaries, they'll do it just to get a reaction (usually looking at you smiling). If it's a safety thing, then temporarily removing the item or covering/placing it behind furniture so they can't see it, works better. 6 months later they won't care about it any more.

Choices never really worked for us - our kids are stubborn. But distraction does, like chatting about the activity we are going to do whilst putting our shoes, they stop paying attention which shoes they are wearing.
We've also let go of a lot of things, like whether they were their jacket or the type of shoes. The fact is they'll go out, be cold, and ask for their jacket after 5 min (or we often open the door to "test the weather" and see whether we need a jumper).

This is really helpful. I'm starting to notice her testing boundaries in exactly the way you describe. Eg..pointing and smiling. I am waiting for it to get harder before it gets easier!

Again, you’re just describing a normal 1 year old. I’m glad you’re developing your understanding of ways to parent at this age though - yes, giving them a pan and a spoon on the floor next to you is a great idea! Or keeping novelty toys around for the time you really need them distracting. For me one of the only times I’ll let my toddler watch TV is when I’m cooking too.

They unfortunately do need pretty much constant supervision or distraction or affection at this age, it’s just being 1!

I think what will help is you lowering your expectations. Just because she can say mini sentences does not mean she fully understands what you are saying she is still only 15 months and learning the world.

At this age they have realised they have autonomy and want to do things themselves. Of course they will get frustrated as they don’t understand why they can’t do what it is they are trying to do.

Give small choices so say this shoe or this shoe? My daughter went through a wellie wearing stage last summer (she’d have been a few months older than yours). It doesn’t really matter what’s on their feet as long as there is something.

Just validate her feelings. You have to think when something feels like the worst thing in the world for them it actually is as they haven’t yet experienced anything worse.

You can but kid friendly plastic knives and peelers. I got mine from Amazon. My daughter was using them from 1 year old. She could chop a banana or other soft fruit. Also no harm in giving a potato for her to try.

Ask her if she’s like help with her wellies. They usually like to do things themselves and will rush in to show you they can do it. Singing instructions also helps them comply. You’re doing a great job. Keep on keeping on!

But you really do just need to chill because all kids are like this, I know it's not what you want to hear but at 15 months she has absolutely no concept of right and wrong, she might say "hot don't touch" because she's heard you say it but she won't always do what you've said because they don't have the capacity to think about their actions that much and if they suddenly think "I want mum" they will come to you regardless and everything else will go out of their head.

Yeah, you’re just listing the things all 15 month olds do and acting like it’s a problem. It’s just… being 15 months old?! Engage with them positively and all will be well.

"Not supposed to be in the kitchen when I'm cooking" sounds like a bit of a complex concept for a 15mo. She probably can't tell the difference between cooking and whatever else you might be doing in there; these sorts of adult activities don't mean anything to toddlers. Just keep her out with a baby gate or playpen.

I didn't say that she was acting out of the ordinary 🤦 She has responded really well to getting involved in the kitchen. The toddler steps was a great buy! Her tasks...putting all the shopped vegetables into the baking dish/saucepan. Chopping up her own banana & strawberries (baby safe knife) and decorating "pizza". I'm less stressed because I no longer have a 1 year old clinging to my legs!

She's still really active but I'm trying to embrace the silliness as much as possible even though its a step out of my comfort zone.

People may think I'm just being that cringe mum, but she absolutely does understand.

Unless you have some prodigy child that is years above where she should be at I’m telling you she doesn’t understand. She is, after all, 15 months old.

Don’t underestimate toddlers’ language (and other) skills! Receptive language is always ahead of speech. Both my girls were talking in (short) sentences at this age and understood way more than they could express.

Thank you for this. You are right to say they understand way more than they can express. And memory too! I swear they remember the tiniest details.
DD is bright but not a ”some prodigy child". Her understanding is great. I've lost count of how many words she has now. She's not just repeating things she's heard she is expressing herself.

It makes no difference. She is still 15 months old and learning that she has autonomy. My original statement stands that it is your expectations that need to be lowered not her behaviour that needs to change. She sounds like many toddlers. My daughter has never sat on knees at groups she wanted to be exploring.

Even if she can understand whatever it is you are saying to her she has zero impulse control.