Would you depend on your child to care for another sibling?

[ellie09]

Hi all,

Just interested for your views on this as its something I have been thinking about recently.

DP has a younger brother who is 20 years old and has severe ASD and is nonverbal. He requires care 24/7, so somebody always needs to be in the house or supervising him.

DP has two other sisters. All siblings have ASD to varying degrees, although not severe.

DP's older sister (who is 33) cares for her younger brother every day while her mum works. She had been to university, and is trying to do some freelance work to fit around caring for her brother, but it is difficult to fit around her mums working hours.

I would assume if you went to the effort of getting a degree etc, that you would be wanting a career etc in the future.

Since her brother left school, the sister has been in the house all day with the brother while the mum works - for around 4/5 years now. The sister obviously still lives at home too.

I asked DP if she wouldnt want an opportunity to have a career, or have a relationship/own house as she is getting older. He said its not possible because she is brothers carer.

AIBU to think that if I had a child with severe needs, that it is ultimately up to me as a parent to provide those care needs, and I would never allow my child to sacrifice their career, relationships etc so I could work?

Obviously, I havent said anything to any of the family members, but its just some unspoken thoughts in my head.

Absolutely not, my son is ASD and I'd never expect his older sibling to give up her life and dreams to look after him. I would hope she would maybe pop in to check on him now and then and maybe drop some milk to him if he needed and she was passing. But she should not shoulder the burden of mine and her dad's choice to have children. And I feel extremely strongly about that.

So, its down to the siblings and not the mother who agreed and let this be the case?

If I had another child, it wouldnt even be talked about in terms of my oldest DC looking after my youngest. Even if they tried to, I wouldnt be allowing it.

It is down to the siblings to support and advocate for their oldest sister with their mother.

Obviously it’s then up to their mother to sort out.

But if the oldest sister can’t even depend on her own siblings to be on her side, who can she? She herself may not be able to see the wood for the trees.

It’s down to everyone, everyone here is an adult, they should ALL be doing better.

Mum should have put plans in place so that sister did not have to become carer, siblings should have stepped in when it became obvious that mum wasn’t going to so that they could either come up with a plan, discuss with mum, or share the load equally between them if that was the only way.

Why your husband and the other sister have happily fucked off leaving another sibling in this mess is beyond me, and the fact you think a holiday and a gift makes up for that is bizarre.

Every single adult should be doing better here. Everyone.

Shocking. I feel sorry for the sister. Your husband sounds like a right twat too 🤷‍♀️

Do you know if she is claiming a carers payment. I understand the rate isn't much.
Have a chat with SIL. You have no idea if she prefers being at home over working in a professional role, only she knows her situation.
I assume MIL helps when she gets in from work.

You are assuming the mum has orchestrated this and decided to treat this sister differently but you don’t know this. Lots of autistic people go to uni but can’t hold down a job due anxiety or sensory issues or lack of offers. Maybe she’s being paid from the brothers social care package to be his carer and it suits her. Maybe she is getting an income and pension.
There should be a social worker and care act assessment and proper time off for the sister.
The whole family should know if there’s a care plan and contingency plan
but you don’t actually know the mum wouldn’t quit work tomorrow if the daughter got a job. Maybe talk to your partners mum before judging and assuming the worst of her

A school friend had an autistic elder sister. The parents insisted that the eldest stay at home. They seemed to expect that the middle and youngest sisters would eventually take over, though both did have good careers.

By the time they were middle-aged, the father had died. The middle girl had terminal cancer; the youngest had another condition which affected her work life.

Only then did the mother agree that the eldest could enter an assisted living facility. The girl flourished there - the first time in her life she was able to choose the decor for her own room, for example.

The middle girl died in her late 40s, 15 years ago. The eldest girl died this year.

I would discuss with DH how to ensure DSis gets the house. Everyone is ignoring her needs now so I suspect the same will happen once DMIL goes. If the money hasn’t been taken up with care DMILs home fees.

Agreed my child is more signicantly impacted he will always need 1:1 care but I don't expect my oldest child to be his carer I would like them to have a brotherly relationship and he visits his brother but that's it.

No I wouldn’t expect my child to do this, however when I was in school, maybe year 6 & 7 I had a few friends who’s younger sibling was between 4-7 and they’d often look after them on the weekends all day whilst their mum worked, thinking about it now it’s wild