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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

22 replies

Brunocatmon · 11/06/2025 22:42

Would you think this was selfish of your partner?

My ex has my dd (14) every other weekend. On these weekends usually my partner and I will do something, maybe an event, a road trip. Sometimes for Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes only Saturday and we chill on Sunday. I go home on the Sunday tea time.

We live in the same town but not together. 6 minutes drive from each other.

A friend has asked if I'd like to go to Edinburgh with her on her birthday weekend in August. It's a weekend that my dd will be at her dads.

My partner has said I'm selfish to go when those are the only weekends we get to spend overnight together.

OP posts:
BakelikeBertha · 11/06/2025 22:44

Of course you're not being selfish, is he usually this controlling? How long have you been seeing him?

Hollowvoice · 11/06/2025 22:47

Of course you are allowed to spend your time how you want to.
One weekend out of 26 in a year is hardly selfish.

QuickFawn · 11/06/2025 22:48

Throw him back and enjoy your weekend

WildNorthEast · 11/06/2025 22:50

This is crazy. So he thinks you have to spend every childless weekend with him? How long have you been with him?

CuarloDeFonza · 11/06/2025 22:51

From a male perspective he's being ridiculous and childish. I love it when my wife goes away or does something with other people, I'd only ruin her fun by breathing in the vicinity. She's going to Egypt in August, I'm going to have a takeaway or two, cannot wait. Your partner needs a hobby, netflix or both, maybe it's a power play of some kind. Go to Edinburgh ✌️

Original poster
Brunocatmon · 11/06/2025 22:53

Apologies. I should add my partner is a woman, as I am.

We've been together on and off 2 years. She has form for being jealous, it's just so stressful. She chooses not to see other friends but I like to spend time seeing other friends from time to time. I do try not to book things when I know it's " our " weekend but I can't go overnight on a weekend that my dd is home.

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 11/06/2025 22:58

I think her expecting you to spend all your childfree nights with her is unlikely to work for you long term. But I would not be interested in a relationship with someone I could only sleep with once a fortnight and sometimes not even that. So I can also see why she may feel the relationship doesn’t work for her if you don’t spend all your childfree nights with her.

The jealousy and lack of other friends are red flags, though. Move on.

Edited due to last post by OP.

AbzMoz · 11/06/2025 23:00

Oof, OP. I do hope you enjoy your break and your partner can see how important it is to you.

Original poster
Brunocatmon · 11/06/2025 23:18

RawBloomers · 11/06/2025 22:58

I think her expecting you to spend all your childfree nights with her is unlikely to work for you long term. But I would not be interested in a relationship with someone I could only sleep with once a fortnight and sometimes not even that. So I can also see why she may feel the relationship doesn’t work for her if you don’t spend all your childfree nights with her.

The jealousy and lack of other friends are red flags, though. Move on.

Edited due to last post by OP.

Edited

I understand completely what you're saying here. We do spend other times together, my ds ( almost 22) lives at home so I am able to go out for an evening just not overnight stays except when dd is not there.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 11/06/2025 23:20

Red flags galore this. Enjoy the weekend away and ditch your partner.

Eenameenadeeka · 11/06/2025 23:23

I don't think it's selfish at all, it's good for you to maintain friendships. I guess it's hard to have a full relationship when you only have every other weekend together, although i think it's amazing that you are prioritizing your daughter. (I think you are doing the right thing)

Greenfitflop · 11/06/2025 23:26

Absolutely not selfish.
I would take offence to being called it too.
Sounds like she is controlling and would like to kill off your other friendships.
Time to dump.

LaughingCat · 11/06/2025 23:26

Massive red flag for me - I had a partner who would say the same. “But don’t you want to spend the time together? We get so little.” Cracking way to isolate you from friends or family.

Go to Edinburgh for flips sake. They’ll get over it or you’ll see their true colours.

BakelikeBertha · 12/06/2025 12:17

Regardless of whether your partner is male or female OP, they should not be dictating where you go and with who. As it turns out, this woman isn't even your partner really, as you don't live together, and in my opinion, in view of what you've said about her having form for jealousy, I'd be seriously thinking about putting an end to this relationship. After all, what do you hope to get out of it long term? Do you ultimately expect to move in together? As if this is the case, do you REALLY want to live with someone who uses manipulation to get there own way, and who wants to isolate you from your friends? After the kids move out and she moved in, how long would it be before she was coming up with reasons why you shouldn't meet up with them, or have them visit? Better to put an end to it now, and find someone who really cares about making YOU happy!

TheSandgroper · 12/06/2025 12:28

She can choose not to see anyone else all she likes but

a) that will suffocate you
b) you have a life, you know, and you get to live it.
c) er, how dare she.

Let somebody else catch this fish. You can find better.

MattCauthon · 12/06/2025 12:28

I don't think it's unreasonable for her not to be happy that on one of the two weekends a month you could spend together, you're not. BUT... I think it's also the nature of your reality which is that you have a child who you have most of the time which means you just have less time for friendships and relationships. That's just a fact.

The overall jealousy etc though is very concerning.

FeetLikeFlippers · 28/08/2025 16:32

comment deleted as it somehow ended up on the wrong thread.

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 28/08/2025 16:40

@Brunocatmon hopefully you had a nice weekend in Edinburgh??

Original poster
Brunocatmon · 29/08/2025 13:25

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 28/08/2025 16:40

@Brunocatmon hopefully you had a nice weekend in Edinburgh??

Aww thank you very much.

Plot twist. My friend got in to a new relationship and HER new partner wasnt happy about it so we didnt go.

I, on the other hand, broke up with my partner as I didnt feel as if it was a very healthy or sustainable balance for either of us.

OP posts:
PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 29/08/2025 13:40

Brunocatmon · 29/08/2025 13:25

Aww thank you very much.

Plot twist. My friend got in to a new relationship and HER new partner wasnt happy about it so we didnt go.

I, on the other hand, broke up with my partner as I didnt feel as if it was a very healthy or sustainable balance for either of us.

Show quote history

Aww thanks for the update.

A shame you didnt get to meet up but that sounds like a very sensible decision on the relationship front!

(Hope your friend isnt getting themselves into something toxic!!)

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 13:49

No it’s not selfish for wanting to do something with your friend. It’s literally one weekend away. He seems controlling and needy. Do you really want to be with this man child?

CeciliaMars · 29/08/2025 13:55

So he’s he’s saying you’re never allowed to do anything on your own or with friends? That’s really controlling.

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