To be upset with SEN school about today’s trip?

[Aholicor]

Hi, posting here for traffic and just want to know if I’m being unfair. Bit long, sorry.

DS is 7, end of Aug born so very young for yr3. He’s in a SEN school, has ASD, ADHD, SPD, and poss learning disability (still going through assessments). Has an EHCP. Functioning more around reception level, still in pull-ups, and has zero awareness of when he needs changing. Won’t tell anyone, hates being changed, full meltdown mode if it happens anywhere unfamiliar. We’re working on it but it’s slow progress.

He’s on Laxido atm which makes him go loads, like 3-5 times a day sometimes. We’ve explained this to school loads of times and it’s all in his care plan. He normally has 2:1 staffing which is what he had today.

So today was a trip to a farm. Was meant to be a nice day out, he’d been talking about it for ages. Turns out he had a big accident not long after they got there. Staff tried to get him changed but he kicked off hard (not surprised – he gets really distressed). He did eventually calm down and they got him cleaned up. But then instead of letting him rejoin the group, they took him straight to the minibus and made him sit there with a TA until everyone else finished the trip.

He missed the animals, missed the picnic, just sat on the bus for over an hour. When I asked why, they said it was “for his own wellbeing” and they “didn’t want to risk another upset.” I get it’s hard for them but it just feels like they gave up on him today.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened either. They’ve excluded him from loads recently – sports day, after-school clubs, even some group sessions. I’m really starting to feel like they don’t know how to support him properly anymore. They’ve said themselves they’re struggling.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m heartbroken for him – he came home so flat. I know trips are hard but he’s only 7 and he needs support, not isolation.

AIBU to feel like they handled this really badly? Or am I expecting too much?

Rereading your post it looks like specific group sessions are triggers, is there anything you can suggest to them strategy wise? If his staff or pupils have been hurt in group situations, then it’s natural to try to create a bit of space/calm for everyone to recover.

So many questions which I think you need to carefully unpack. Obviously the situation wasn't good for your child, but just maybe other things need changing before your son, staff members, and animals are safe with him on this kind of trip? Starting actually with the question of why a child, especially one who needs nappies, hates being changed and makes it difficult to change him, on enough laxative to go 3-5 times on a school trip? Like maybe reduce the laxative? My child (no bowel issues) only goes once a day normally. Maybe your son needs laxative to help him go at all which is fair enough, but if it's making him go so often maybe he's on too much?!

It was a farm though, not a zoo. You get a lot closer to the animals on a farm and it can be dangerous if you are not calm around them. The staff have to make sure both the children and the animals are safe. We won't know exactly what the reason was though until OP updates but I agree that if him missing out is a regular occurrence, then maybe something needs to change to ensure he can participate in a safe way.

Can you arrange to go on trips with him?
The school are trying to manage a lot of children and keep them safe, I can understand why it would be very difficult to deal with your son whilst trying to keep a coach load of children in check.

I think this is a lot for them to deal with. You said yourself that he has massive kick offs when he has to be changed. That must be incredibly difficult in a trip situation with a load of other excited children around.

I agree that if he has 2 to 1 supervision that is incredibly rare and means that his challenges are way beyond what most people can imagine. Were any of the staff injured by his meltdown? That would be another reason for not being able to continue to see animals. I'm guessing concern for animals would be a consideration as well. A farm is a different experience to a zoo.

It really isn't always possible for children with ASN's to have exactly the same experiences as others, they need ones that suit them and it sounds like this one didn't.

You need to talk to the school and find out why they made the decisions they did on the day.

I am really sorry this happened. It does seem a lot to expect of a child who appears to struggle in unfamiliar environments, and in big groups. I totally get the desire for him to join in everything, but sometimes that’s just not possible for children. A 7 year old who has a 2:1 has very big needs, and maybe not trying to do the big group stuff for a while until he has settled through whatever is happening for him at the moment might be what he needs.
it sounds as though you have a lot on your plate OP. Take care

The issue that happened wasn't with him being in a group, and he was looking forward to the trip. If OP is accurate then he was put on the coach after he was calm (and sat for an hour). I would say sitting a child alone on a coach while he knows his peers are out looking an animals and having a picnic is more likely, not less, to result in an upset and emotionally dysregulated child.

OP if staff needed a break and to calm (very reasonable) they should set up tag teaming.

This situation sounds like it was at best to do with managing staff feelings and at worst punitive. I still say completely inappropriate.

You need to ask WHY they had to sit with him on the minibus rather than rejoin the group.

It might be because he took so long kicking off about being changed that the group had moved to another part of the farm so it wouldn't be safe or risk assessed for one person to walk him back to find the group.

Until you have a reason why then there is not much you can say. I'm sure the staff member would have preferred to be looking round the farm rather than on a bus so there is no doubt some explanation as to why.

This.

op you think it’s ok for the staff to be dealing with this, even though it’s their ‘job’? You don’t know how bad it was, and upsetting for the other kids too. Surely not wanting to go through it twice was fair enough?

My grandson is currently on the same laxative so I feel for you! My poor daughter doesn’t want to leave the house because he’s constantly filling his nappy

I think as he doesn’t like being changed in an unfamiliar environment and needs to be changed so often, it may be a good idea for you to go along on the trips to help him and calm him down .

He wasn't 'alone'? He was with staff.

Alone in terms of isolated from other children. Obviously not completely on his own.

I don't think you're being unfair, I think you're hurting because you know he was hurt.

There's a point in your post where you say he calmed down and the change was achieved, but then after that he had to sit on the bus. This is troubling, because it sends the message that even if he does regain some regulation stuff will still hang over him. Why is he even go to try then?

The bigger picture though is that it looks as if the school can't meet his needs, which means he probably should move to somewhere else more suitable and, by extension, inclusive.

It's hard when they struggle so much and that one bit of brightness gets snuffed out as well. I hope you have some support to be able to talk through this.

They’ve punished him

I think you need to get all the answers. 2-1 is clear that he needs lot of support as like others have said it’s very rarely given.

It does sound like the trip itself was rather ambitious for him with the laxatives and the meltdowns regarding being changed in unfamiliar places.

Id ask to see what their risk assessment and plan was for him personally at the farm and what it was that made it so it was deemed safer for him to be on the mini buss than rejoining after his toilet trip.

Staff would have definitely preferred that he returned to the animals and joined in the picnic. They must have felt he was a high risk, and unmanageable. Taking him to the minibus was to calm him down, and keep him safe.

Taking any child on massive dose of laxatives on a field trip is a crazy idea to begin with. It's unfair on the child and unfair on the teachers. This has nothing to do with SEN but common sense. It sounds like a trip that should have been skipped in first place due to inevitable toilet logistics. Even as an adult, if you had a stomach bug and had to poo 5 times a day, you would certainly not enjoy a bus trip to a zoo with limited toilet facilities.

Imagine how mortified he must have felt to be taken on a trip with a schedule he can't control and forced to soil himself in front of everyone. That sounds like a seriously traumatic experience for someone with or without SEN. As a parent it's also your responsibility to assess situations that might result in humiliation or trauma for your child. His meltdown proved that it was too much to handle and even if they included him in the activities afterwards, it would not erase or cancel out the memories of that experience.