weird comment about a son cuddling his dad

[springbirdss]

Sorry to be as vague as possible for privacy reasons.

Recently I went camping with a group of people, including a 17yo boy and his parents/sibling. The boy and his dad clearly have a physical love-language and are very tactile with each other and other loved ones.

I overheard a member of the group say they found the dynamic between this dad and son ‘awkward’ and suggested that it’s weird/wrong for a 17yo boy to cuddle his dad.

This was after we had played a card game in the tent. The son had been doing a physical activity all day and was tired. His dad had a cushion on his lap and the son was curled up with his head on the cushion (he’d been knocked out of the card game at this point) and his dad was playing with his hair.

Personally I thought it was really sweet and a great example of non-toxic masculinity in action. To be clear, the boy isn’t SEN/doesn’t have any additional needs or MH issues. They're just an affectionate family.

I found the reaction of the person in our group and their discomfort at the sight of this affection really telling. I realised that I was used to seeing PDA between mothers and teen daughters, but not fathers and sons.

Why shouldn’t young men cuddle their dads? Isn’t this the kind of nurturing relationship we should want to see more of between men, to combat things like male loneliness, Andrew Tate mania, etc? Would you think it was weird if you saw it?

YABU - it’s weird
YANBU - it’s sweet

It’s lovely. Anyone who thinks you’re being unreasonable is part of the problem.

That’s lovely. My DH is very affectionate with our sons and they love it. He’s much more naturally affectionate that I am and always has been

I wish my husband was more affectionate like that. I agree it’s really lovely.

I'm so glad to hear you all agree so far!

I wouldn't be surprised if the person who made the comment was projecting their own discomfort with receiving/giving love, sadly.

I think it’s lovely.
We have 2 boys, 18 and 25 and they both still hug me and DH.

I don't think it's weird my 18 year old son tells me and his Dad he loves us all the time
I don't get many spontaneous hugs anymore which is a shame
But I don't think it's weird they have a tactile relationship.

Yanbu

My DH and adult DS both have large rugby player type physiques - you should see them when they meet or say goodbye! Kisses and big bear hugs. It’s lovely to see. YANBU.

I think you hit the nail on the head in your post, if it is okay for a mum and daughter then it is okay for a father and son. I hope my son and daughter both do that at 17! I was brought up with minimal physical affection through teen/adult years. I'm purposely making sure my kids are raised differently.
The person that commented needs to get over themselves abd have a think about why they really feel that.

I think its beautiful.

My cousins are all like this with their parents and each other. If anyone is sitting beside anyone at a family party or whatever, they instinctively hold hands, or put an arm around each other's shoulders. It's so different from my family I often find it strange but never in a negative way, it's lovely.

It sounds lovely but I’ve never seen it.

I think a quick affectionate hug is normal or if something bad has happened OK, but I would be lying if I said I thought a 17 yo, who is to all intents and purposes a man, curling up on his father's lap for comfort because he was tired was normal. I mean would you have dated someone like this? When I was a 17 year old girl this would have been a massive ick. I think the parents need to let him grow up.

Oh gosh it's so sad when genuine family affection can be either misconstrued or make someone uncomfortable. My brother's and me were brought up in a very loving family by both parents and still we have regular film nights or chat nights and I will be cuddled into mum and my brother's either side of my dad half laying on each other cuddled or vice versa. Luckily my hubby is the exact same with our boys and girls and they adore him to

It's interesting you say this, because he does in fact have a girlfriend and is very independent in his life generally. I think people tend to associate men receiving comfort/affection with immaturity, but why does this have to be the case?

I think our opinions on things like this are partially shaped by how we were brought up too. I cringed a bit reading about a 17yo “curled up” with his dad playing with his hair, but that’s probably because I grew up in a household where nothing like that would have happened in a million years. Others had other experiences, so will see it differently.

Society plays its part too - beyond the age of about 10, I think often boys are often seen (by their peers) as wimps or gay for cuddling people, especially their mummy or daddy. Unless it’s at the football or there’s another traditionally masculine reason for it, it’s very often seen as a babyish thing to do by the people whose opinions usually matter most to them.

Nah, that's lovely. Things seem to have got more this way than they used to be for some people, weirdly (stupid social media ideas of masculinity? More absent fathers?). My Grandad was in the army, played Rugby, was pretty gruff, was brought up by Victorian parents (and was an outrageous flirt with women if it helps build an imagine of how old-fashionedly masculine he was) and hard as nails but he used to kiss and hug my Dad.

Physical affection isn't weird - if it wouldn't be weird for a 17 year old girl to be curled up like than on her Mum (which it absolutely wouldn't be - no one would blink an eye), of course it's not weird for a son and his father.

Yes it's all very cultural for sure

My 20yo DS still kisses his dad hello and bye!

I'd find it unusual but I wouldn't be weirded out or have a reaction like you've mentioned. I think you sometimes see dad's and sons have a friendly arm around each others shoulders or whatever but not head on lap stroking hair sort of thing. Whatever works for them, they obviously have a close relationship. I think my brother in his mid thirties still gives my dad a hug.

Nevermind

Oh dear I know it's me in the wrong, but I absolutely would find it very weird for a 17 year old young man to have his head in his dad's lap whilst the dad played with his hair.

Hugs, kiss on the cheek, telling each other they love each other - all absolutely fine wouldn't even raise an eyebrow. My DH is in his 40s and gives his dad a hug and a kiss when he sees him. But the head in lap thing - I'd honestly find it a bit creepy.

I'm sure there's lots to unpick about why I'd find it creepy, and would find it less so if it were a girl and her mum, can't even really pinpoint at what age I'd start to find it weird because I wouldn't think twice if it was a younger child, fully prepared to accept it's a 'me issue' but yeah - I'd probably have commented on it (privately, to DH only) too.