...to still be hurting 20 years after cheating.

[MaryContrary76]

Is it normal to still feel, hurt, rejected, inadequate and traumatised 20 after discovering a partner has been unfaithful?

I don't think I would ever stop feeling that way towards a person who betrayed my trust like that. Have you stayed with this person?

Perhaps if you stayed with that person, but I would say no. Twenty years of feeling inadequate, hurt and rejected is unbearable - please, please have some counselling.

I suppose it depends on the relationship. I think the stronger you feel for someone, the deeper the sense of betrayal and the longer it lasts, especially if you stay together. I think in some circumstances the kinder thing to do is confess but end the relationship, albeit that it causes some severe heartache at the time, at least the victim has time to recover and the opportunity to build a life without the presence of their unfaithful partner as a daily reminder.

Yes, if you stay.

If you leave, you release yourself.

Cheating is something that people choose due to their personality. It has nothing to do with you really. You can never feel secure with someone like that because they don’t have the loyalty, moral values or self restraint to be loyal and decent.

I don't think there is any normal so to speak. But it's not abnormal to still be hurt by this years down the line. It's one of the biggest betrayals someone could do to you. It traumatises people.

Only if you have stayed with him, otherwise he'd be a distant memory.
If you did stay, holding on to the pain for 20 years is ridiculous and impacts the entire family, if you have DC.
You either move forward or break up.

I still feel a lot of that, yes. I divorced him as soon as I found out, it was more than 8 years ago now, and I’m happily with someone else, but I’ll never forget how I first felt when I found out, and some of that pain still hangs about in the depths of my psyche for sure.

I think it makes sense if it wasn't resolved, you didn't feel listened to or that your feelings mattered, or you still feel you didn't get the whole truth. If you're still with the person I can see it too.

I was cheated on by my ex, early in our relationship, and we split up, but later got back together which I think was actually unwise of me. It did continue to bug me especially because I felt he hadn't been honest about everything that happened between them. It was probably a contributing factor to me eventually leaving many years (and 2 kids) later.

Funnily enough I still see his affair partner as she also went on to have kids and one is a friend of my DD. That's a bit surreal. But I'm always really glad I'm not still with him.

I certainly wouldn't be thinking about an unfaithful ex after so long. As the saying goes the best form of revenge is living well.

I say ex as if someone cheated that's the end of the relationship.

Sometimes if you can’t forgive someone then it’s best to walk away. You can try to forgive - and you can want to forgive but if you still feel hurt and rejected then allow them feelings. Accept you can’t forgive the damage and hurt you’ve been put through. Listen to yourself and your own thoughts.
Theres no shame in not being able to forgive and forget. If you can’t, it’s not meant to be ! Embrace that.

If you’re still with the cheater, I get why you would feel that way.

Never waste time with someone who cheats (because you know in your gut they will do it again)

If not, I can’t relate. The pain will always be in your memory but if you’re still in pain and stuck in the past, seek a therapist because that’s really unhealthy

Please say you haven’t stayed with a cheater and been carrying this for 20 years

Are you still with him? Then yes, as you know he's capable of betraying you and you won't feel safe and secure with him.

If you're not, then you might feel a stabbing pain when something triggers a memory but hopefully be now you would have made sense of losing that relationship and filled your life with happier things and friends and hobbies.

Assuming you left 20 years ago, I don’t think it’s that unusual to recall those emotions if you happen to think back on it. I do think it’s unusual for those emotions to still be debilitating after 20 years.

If you stayed, I suspect it’s pretty normal.