Family in law won't talk about problems

[SilverShark]

To cut a long story short - I'd always hoped to have a good connection with family in law. However, over the past few years there have been some difficulties experienced by various family members. These were personal issues that had absolutely nothing to do with me. BIL and SIL unfairly took out their frustrations and upset about their own life out on me. A lot of it was quite nasty and personal. They expected a lot from me that I hadn't been made aware of.

I went to PIL for emotional support/advice as I thought relationships could be salvaged but I didn't know how as BIL and SIL wouldn't communicate with me or DH. I was told angrily that I shouldn't have involved them.

In the past I've tried opening up to all of them but I get little back in return. When I mention that people have hurt my feelings they just get defensive and don't want to communicate. Nobody wants to talk about anything difficult. For this reason, issues in the family never get resolved.

I've apologised for having upset people but nobody ever apologises to me or considers my feelings. I'm pretty much no contact now and none of them seem to care.

Has anyone else experienced similar problems with their in laws? AIBU to expect them to put more effort into resolving family conflict?

Honestly, while I’m genuinely fond of most my ILs, they’re a big family, with more than their fair share of feuds, fallings out, problems etc, and my position on that is ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys’.

Fundamentally, they’re not my family, they’re only in my life because of who I married, and while I like the majority of them and see them regularly, those problems are not mine to get involved with, far less ‘resolve’.

Some families have different methods of communication or non-communication. Keeping relationships superficial may be how your ILs prefer things. You show up to things like Christmas and birthdays, make polite chit chat, and then go home.

You sound a bit needy.

Thank you for your replies. I find your points of view helpful. I think I will just keep a distance going forward. I usually try to keep out of conflicts but BIL & SIL dragged me into it. Maybe I am bit needy but I just wanted to have family connections for my DC 😢

Your kids can have a clos relationships with Grandparents and Aunts/Uncls without you being in all their business.
Families do things in different ways and you have to respect theirs, other families are like other countries, fine to visit and you may even move there but you will always be an outsider and won't propeerly be a part of their customs and traditions even if it seems like it on the surface.

I just wanted to have family connections for my DC

You can cultivate family connections with them without moaning about their son/daughter in law to them.

What did SIL/BIL expect from you that was a lot?

It’s sounds like you’re trying to force something that isn’t there for many reasons, and I can understand pil not wanting to get involved in their sil/bil relationship. But this doesn’t mean you have to keep your distance, just stay out of other peoples problems.

I think op there's something here about recognising that people (and families) deal with conflict in different ways which usually correlates to their comfort levels.

So in many families (my own included) when there's a disagreement or something happens there's an unspoken expectation that people will deal with their frustration privately and just eventually let it go without there being a further discussion. It cracks me up as I feel that talking and finding a mutual resolution with accountability is healthier for everyone, but I can't force everyone else to be okay with that, and any previous attempts to tackle things in that way have just brought out the worst in people as they're pushed past their comfort levels and what they have the self awareness for.

It sounds like that's what's happening here.

I can see why your in laws don't want to risk being put in a position where they could be in conflict with one/ both of their kids.

How does your dh feel about what happened? Does he want/ feel the need to discuss things or does he also want to follow the family pattern of just getting on with it quietly?

My feeling would be save yourself the stress and let him deal with things happening in his family and you step back from all the drama and just let your dc have their own relationship with his parents. If bil and dil are being so nasty etc then are they really people you want in your dc lives anyway? People will make their own choices as to how they act - you can't change them all you can do is act accordingly.

With in-laws I’ve always taken the view that the person I’m in a relationship with is the relay and conduit and should speak with their own sibling if it’s something major and causing a lot of upset. I wouldn’t go to their parents to complain and ask them to get involved in something they didn’t start. Fortunately I have a great relationship with my SILs, but if something was up and I went to MIL about it I imagine she’d laugh and say “what do you expect me to do about it? You’re all your own people.”

SIL had been unwell and I had offered her my support but she appeared to only want help from her parents so I left her in peace. Weeks later BIL was really angry that I hadn't given her more support. He said I should have looked after their children more, helped her with household tasks, shopping etc. I was called a nasty uncaring person. I did apologise for not doing more but they didn't want to hear it. They are angry with me and DH. We don't have any contact with BIL or SIL but DC still see their grandparents. I think I'm just a bit sad that DC don't get to see their 3 cousins anymore as they do get on well. Both me and DH want to fix it but don't know how as they don't want to talk about it

Your SIL and BIL sound like people that won't tell you what they need but expect you to guess and if you guess wrong they get angry. That's something a lot of people can't win at and I'd stop trying.

One thing I've struggled to accept with family is that sometimes you try but all you can ever do is match other people's energy. Don't give so much to the relationship that you feel resentful when it's not reciprocated.

If they wanted help, why didn't they ask for it at the time?