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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I cant pull myself together.

49 replies

LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 08:41

A recent betrayal has broken my world apart and im struggling to even get out of bed. Im angry at them and im more angry at myself for always being the kind and passive one that people think they can take advantage of.

i feel sick to my stomach 24 hours a day. Crying every minute that im awake. Its playing like a film in my head and its also made me remember previous behaviours of people where I have always ended up the loser. Im half furious and want to smash something but then it would be me cleaning up so i dont even bother.

i feel devestated and stupid and so fuckjng angry.

why do the shittest people live so well and im here crying over them.

OP posts:
Ineedanewsofa · 10/06/2025 09:19

Totally agree with those saying get your grief out by writing it down (and this thread is a good start) but also give some time to writing down what YOU want, things you think would make YOU happy. Try to take a bit of that rage, that energy and use it to be selfish, to focus on you and your child and setting a path for the future to deliver what YOU want from life.
Doing things alone is hard but from the sound of it you’ve overcome a lot of hard things already. All the evidence suggests you can do this too. Keep going.

wrongthinker · 10/06/2025 09:20

ForestofBowland · 10/06/2025 09:17

I was about to do an attention seeking post on Facebook OP but luckily talked myself out if it

Why don't you make your own thread on MN.

LoveSandbanks · 10/06/2025 09:28

I was shafted during lockdown, although not in this way. At one point the shafted said “it’s not personal” and I thought of course it is, I’m a fucking person.

But it’s not, some people are just cunts!

You don’t know that your ex is happy, you just know what they show the world. His wife has bagged herself an utter shit who abandoned a pregnant woman and has never seen his son. I wouldn’t touch someone who had morals that low.

The person who has betrayed you now, has shown you who they are and they’re lacking. You haven’t lost a good person, you’ve lost what you thought they were. I’m not saying it’s not hard, it really bloody is but I bet you have a lovely close relationship with your son and you need to stay around for him and for you.

I promise you, this will pass.

Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 09:30

LoveSandbanks · 10/06/2025 09:28

I was shafted during lockdown, although not in this way. At one point the shafted said “it’s not personal” and I thought of course it is, I’m a fucking person.

But it’s not, some people are just cunts!

You don’t know that your ex is happy, you just know what they show the world. His wife has bagged herself an utter shit who abandoned a pregnant woman and has never seen his son. I wouldn’t touch someone who had morals that low.

The person who has betrayed you now, has shown you who they are and they’re lacking. You haven’t lost a good person, you’ve lost what you thought they were. I’m not saying it’s not hard, it really bloody is but I bet you have a lovely close relationship with your son and you need to stay around for him and for you.

I promise you, this will pass.

Love the C word. Been saying it alot lately. Thank you for your words 🤍

OP posts:
Ophy83 · 10/06/2025 17:37

Sorry you and your child have been treated so badly.

Have you ever tried to claim child maintenance? At the very least this man should be making a financial contribution to the cost of raising his child. You may need to see a solicitor re a claim for past payments.

Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 20:55

Ophy83 · 10/06/2025 17:37

Sorry you and your child have been treated so badly.

Have you ever tried to claim child maintenance? At the very least this man should be making a financial contribution to the cost of raising his child. You may need to see a solicitor re a claim for past payments.

i tried to set it up when my son was about 4/5 but when they contacted him he made himself intentionally unemployed and sent a letter to me saying he'd murder me if i tried again. Didnt feel worth it for a pound a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 20:56

I know he has a successful business now but its been so many years now im scared to rock the boat. He also isnt on the birth certificate and said he would send someone else for the dna. Its too much of a mess.

OP posts:
Safxxx · 10/06/2025 21:05

My dear the trash has taken itself out of your life...you clearly didn't deserve them type of people so good riddance to them, you might not see it now but in the long run it's probably best for you. Karma will deal with the ones who hurt you so.deep....trust me they will never get truly happy after breaking your heart. Let it out of your system and give it time this pain and anger will ease 🙏 just don't blame yourself for their mistakes and betrayals.

Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:10

Safxxx · 10/06/2025 21:05

My dear the trash has taken itself out of your life...you clearly didn't deserve them type of people so good riddance to them, you might not see it now but in the long run it's probably best for you. Karma will deal with the ones who hurt you so.deep....trust me they will never get truly happy after breaking your heart. Let it out of your system and give it time this pain and anger will ease 🙏 just don't blame yourself for their mistakes and betrayals.

This is my issue. Karma doesnt seem to apply to the people who wrong me. He's spent 14 years with a woman in a relationship, beautiful big wedding, lovely house. While me and my son struggle. The recent one is so well off, attractive, bombarded with friends and just generally content all around. Karma doesnt exist in my opinion 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:13

Meanwhile my closest friend cheats on her partner, becomes pregnant, decides she doesnt want him so goes back to the first. He nurses her through a pregnancy, buys her a car and a house and takes the kid as his own. I feel like people are laughing thinking what must be wrong with me to have ended up like this cos everyones doing numbers on good people and living so well.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:15

Through my pregnancy i worked, did daughter in law duties to his parents, cooked, cleaned and worked. While a woman cheats on a good man, dumps another good one back for the first and is just blissfully happy?

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 10/06/2025 21:15

First of all… calm, breath and give yourself some time to be angry. You have been hurt and it’s shitty.

Next (in the next week or two) think about what you want and need. One route is speaking to CMS about the child maintenance. The other route might be to remove all ways of hearing about soft lads ‘perfect’ life so you’re not wound up about it. Both are acceptable and whichever is your choice.

You can’t control other peoples behaviour. But you can try and control how you react to it and how much headspace you let it take up. It will get better (even if it doesn’t feel like it just now).

RhaenysRocks · 10/06/2025 21:19

Karma is bollocks. It doesn't exist and there's no point waiting around for it / the universe / fate whatever. The only way to "beat" him is to make him utterly irrelevant. YOU raise your son and know in 10 years time you did that. Know that you will have a child who adores you and knows you were there and raised him. Get on in life, get working, get qualified. Don't wait for anyone else to do it for you. My ex is happily married to OW but I'm now the one with a really close relationship with my kids, my own house (not ours, one I bought alone), a great job and recent promotion and a life I am proud of. I also have a "situationship" of ten years so I have someone who loves me, spoils me, helps me, entertains me but who I am not beholden too or vice versa. It's the ONLY way to feel like you won - if that is a thing that matters to you. They may or may not stay together, he may or may not get dumped / scammed / cock-rot but it won't make the slightest difference to you. Good luck.

Newlysinglemumma · 10/06/2025 21:20

OP I am currently going through something similar and my world is upside down and I am struggling mentally so bad! A lot of the post people have wrote on here I have copied into my notes on my phone and saved because they are such good advice and although right now every day is a struggle in time I no it will get easier especially when you read some of the things people are telling you! Be kind to yourself

Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:20

My gut* tells my applying for maintenance is not the right thing to do. For the most part mine and my sons life is peaceful and id be too scared to open a can of worms. Im sure that would mean he'd be entitled to see my son. 13 is the wrong age for a change like that no?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:21

RhaenysRocks · 10/06/2025 21:19

Karma is bollocks. It doesn't exist and there's no point waiting around for it / the universe / fate whatever. The only way to "beat" him is to make him utterly irrelevant. YOU raise your son and know in 10 years time you did that. Know that you will have a child who adores you and knows you were there and raised him. Get on in life, get working, get qualified. Don't wait for anyone else to do it for you. My ex is happily married to OW but I'm now the one with a really close relationship with my kids, my own house (not ours, one I bought alone), a great job and recent promotion and a life I am proud of. I also have a "situationship" of ten years so I have someone who loves me, spoils me, helps me, entertains me but who I am not beholden too or vice versa. It's the ONLY way to feel like you won - if that is a thing that matters to you. They may or may not stay together, he may or may not get dumped / scammed / cock-rot but it won't make the slightest difference to you. Good luck.

Thank you. I feel this is my only choice (after i wallow and rant a bit more)

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:22

Newlysinglemumma · 10/06/2025 21:20

OP I am currently going through something similar and my world is upside down and I am struggling mentally so bad! A lot of the post people have wrote on here I have copied into my notes on my phone and saved because they are such good advice and although right now every day is a struggle in time I no it will get easier especially when you read some of the things people are telling you! Be kind to yourself

Wishing you well xx

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 10/06/2025 21:28

He knows what a shit he is and he'll continually have to hide it from people with lies, but ultimately he'll be found out. If his partner of 14 years really knows him then she's welcome to the scumbag.

So sorry, you've been very unfortunate. Sadly, we can't avoid these disgusting people, as there are so many.

Have you considered having counselling for your own sake. It will help to make sense of things Flowers

iamnotalemon · 10/06/2025 21:29

You are not pathetic. You are a strong woman who has single handedly raised their child and that is amazing. I totally understand how it’s hard not to take these things personally but it sounds like you dodged a bullet, however painful it is at the moment.x

Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:30

Part of me feels like he's sitting there like the cunt he is 'ha got away with that, i told her to not ask for money and she hasnt' it makes me want to be so violent when i think of him thinking that of me. I dont ask for the pure fact of it comes with a chance to disrupt my sons life

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:33

Itiswhysofew · 10/06/2025 21:28

He knows what a shit he is and he'll continually have to hide it from people with lies, but ultimately he'll be found out. If his partner of 14 years really knows him then she's welcome to the scumbag.

So sorry, you've been very unfortunate. Sadly, we can't avoid these disgusting people, as there are so many.

Have you considered having counselling for your own sake. It will help to make sense of things Flowers

i havent but i do think i need to try something. i dont tell anyone how i feel ever. The way i feel atm i would need a 4 hour session..

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:35

iamnotalemon · 10/06/2025 21:29

You are not pathetic. You are a strong woman who has single handedly raised their child and that is amazing. I totally understand how it’s hard not to take these things personally but it sounds like you dodged a bullet, however painful it is at the moment.x

Thank you.x

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 10/06/2025 21:40

My dad went off travelling the world with my stepmum as well after not bothering to pay my mum the divorce settlement he was court ordered to and leaving us to grow up in poverty. My half siblings went to private schools. He hassled us to ask my mum to stop the child maintenance claim as well. I didn't know half of this until I was an adult.

Anyway he is the one who is lonely now and we barely have a relationship because he hasn't put any effort in over the years whereas I'm much closer to my mum.

Do look out for yourself and maybe look into therapy NOT because there is anything wrong with you (there isn't!!) but because it will help affirm you don't deserve to be treated in this way and may help you spot early warning signs in future relationships.

Original poster
LittleGoldOne · 10/06/2025 21:46

BertieBotts · 10/06/2025 21:40

My dad went off travelling the world with my stepmum as well after not bothering to pay my mum the divorce settlement he was court ordered to and leaving us to grow up in poverty. My half siblings went to private schools. He hassled us to ask my mum to stop the child maintenance claim as well. I didn't know half of this until I was an adult.

Anyway he is the one who is lonely now and we barely have a relationship because he hasn't put any effort in over the years whereas I'm much closer to my mum.

Do look out for yourself and maybe look into therapy NOT because there is anything wrong with you (there isn't!!) but because it will help affirm you don't deserve to be treated in this way and may help you spot early warning signs in future relationships.

thank you for sharing that and well done to your mum for protecting you. this is always my aim for my sons sake.

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