Should I leave my partner or will therapy fix us?

[phoebelouiseeee]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, we have a 9 month old daughter together who was born with a congenital condition. Both of us have some trauma around this; I dealt with this by never leaving her side, I’ve attended every one of her 100’s of appointments and A&E trips, I know all her medical team and deal with all follow up appointments; my partner did the opposite, he never attends appointments, doesn’t know her care team and has nothing to do with her regular or emergency care.

my partner is the main financial provider for our family and pays 90% of the bills. I am the main homemaker and do 90% of the housework including the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, child care, social organising and emotional labour as well as our daughter’s ongoing medical care.

i am a natural optimist, i adore physical contact and spending time with our daughter brings me so much joy. My partner is a natural pessimist, he finds physical contact annoying and dislikes spending time with our daughter. He has often said he is too selfish to be a dad and has little patience for our baby, refuses to take her to baby groups she enjoys, will often ask others to look after her on days he is supposed to and when they do spend time together it’s mostly at home alone.

i love my partner but recently this has all been weighing on me. He rarely expresses gratitude for my contributions to the family, never tells me he loves me or shows affection, he’s quick to anger with me and our daughter, fails to consider us when making plans and refuses to communicate when issues arise. I often find myself thinking that my life wouldn’t actually change much if I left him and might even improve. I want us to be together, our relationship didn’t always feel this difficult and it’s important to me that our daughter has a secure family base. I fear that if things don’t change our relationship will end and it wont be amicable.

Is this something we can work on with therapy or is it too late?

TLDR: my partner and I are opposites after the birth of our daughter. Can we fix it or is it too late?

Erm, I wouldn’t normally be this brutal, but being as you have a child with special needs - whatever you do long term, please marry him now, or you will be financially shafted.

Therapy is worth trying if you both want to make it work. So ask him.

He does sound like a deadbeat, and almost certainly is, but if you never want to leave your daughter’s side, assuming her condition is well managed, then that might be quite hard for him,

It sounds like you had a baby very quickly, which can be very stressful. Failing all else therapy can help couples separate well.

Is he open to therapy? He would have to be willing in order for it to go anywhere. You obviously got pregnant very soon, and didn't have a very solid or established relationship so it sounds really tricky and then you have had the stress and trauma as well. Obviously you are managing a lot of the childcare and home things , but what would that look like if you were to separate and need to provide financially as well? How would childcare look for your child?

I genuinely couldn't be with someone who finds spending time with his/our child annoying and took no interest in her care and medical needs. This would make me fall out of love with him instantly - in fact, I'd find it difficult to be in his company at all. Aren't you disgusted by the way he behaves?

How would you manage financially if you were to separate? Especially as you're unmarried? Do you get any government support for your child due to her condition?

He sounds like he wants out of the relationship/ his responsibilities as a parent. Men can be incredibly selfish and he doesn't sound like he's willing to make the sacrifices to care for a child and is being purposefully crap, waiting for you to end the relationship so he isn't the bad guy for walking away.