Girlfriend of 8 months has let herself go…

[BlackMirror95]

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months officially, seeing each other for 2-3 months beforehand. I am also a woman, so it’s a same-sex relationship.

I have noticed that over the last 2-3 months that she has started to really let herself go - she has put on quite a bit of weight and doesn’t make the effort to eat well or exercise anymore, her grooming and hygiene standards have really dropped (can sometimes go 2 days without a shower, even though working a physical hands-on job, only brushes her teeth about once a day) and wears the same pair of tatty tracksuit bottoms inside and outside pretty much everyday when she’s not at work.

Nothing has happened in that timeframe, mentally she says she’s doing well, it’s literally a can’t be bothered and laziness thing from what I can gather. I have tried tactfully telling her - oh, let’s make some healthy meals this week when we see each other/do you want me to get you a towel out for the shower/do you fancy going clothes shopping with me - but to no avail. It’s getting to the point where I’m not as attracted to her as I once was and I no longer initiate sex or anything like that.

I will point out that I don’t look perfect most of the time but I’m always clean and well groomed, etc, and make the effort to wear decent clothes everyday. These issues aside, she is a really lovely person and treats me well and there is no other issues within the relationship at all other than this.

AIBU for feeling this way and how should I handle it going forward?

She is quite a chronic people pleaser, and is quite sensitive about things, hence me trying to handle it tactfully so far because I don’t want to upset her.

She hasn't changed, this is her. Now the (very short) honeymoon period has passed, she's showing you her true self. Either you still want to be with her, or your not compatible. You've been together lass than a year, it's not surprising you're still getting to know each other, and might not work out.

I swear I’ve read this exact post before. Anyway, tell her, say something like, “shall we have an early night this evening, you’ll have to have a shower of course”.

Just end it. You're not compatible.

I'm afraid she made a big effort to be with you, now she has you, she's her true self
very disrespectful to my mind
I don't think you're compatible sorry

Is she neurodiverse? I only ask as many people with poor personal hygiene are. If so, it's about being blunt. I love you but I need you to shower every day. I love you but can't bear those trousers etc.

Is she suffering from depression? That can sometimes lead to a decline in self-care.

Probably masking some neurodiversity, it's a lot of effort and not everyone is able to put in all that effort all day every day without it causing stress and eventually burnout.

I take exception at that. Not everyone who is ND stinks

I didn't say that.

I said stinky people are often nd.
Not that all nd folks are stinky (I agree they are not)

Btw, I'm 25+ years married to a stinky nd, so decent experience of this issue.

This is just her getting comfortable in the relationship and showing you who she really is. There's nothing about it suggestive of ND or mental health issues, it's just what happens when the honeymoon period is over and people start being their authentic selves in front of their relationship partner.

Up to you whether you can accept it or not, because trying to force compliance to what you think she should be is unlikely to end well. It'll just cause resentment and likely sour her view of you in the longer term.

This is who she is. The other version was her on her best behaviour during the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. With some people this phase is short lived, with others it lasts longer, with manipulative people it's calculated behaviour and it lasts until they feel they've hooked you in and you're in love with them. Don't waste your life wondering "where she went", she's right in front of you. This isn't a blip. You either like the real her or you don't.

Ditto for if you're ever unfortunate enough to find yourself experiencing abusive, disrespectful behaviour from someone.

As others have said, she's become comfortable in the relationship. What does she say when you offer her a towel for a shower for example?

I don't think there's any way round it but to have a conversation. If not, you're going to get the ick anyway so better to have a conversation and have it potentially change. Is she not wondering why intimacy has reduced?

you've tried being tactful, now's the time to be blunt.
i've noticed xyz, i've made these suggestions.
the reality is unless you perk back up with cleanliness, i will need to end the relationship.

This! FWIW, I’d be out of there - poor personal hygiene is a massive turn off for me!

LOL - the honeymoon's over, this is real life.

If you’ve met one nd person then you’ve met one nd person. They aren’t all the same.

Hmm OP, echo the others really - she made a big effort to get you, now she’s gone into comfy slipper mode. This is her I’m afraid. Only you can decide if you want to put up with her rather low standards.

@Wowwee1234

Are you having a laugh? What absolute garbage, ya 🤡

End the relationship.

I don’t think she’s “let herself go” she’s most likely became comfortable and is living as her true self. The honeymoon period is over and she is no longer trying to impress you.

Suggesting ND as a main reason someone is likely to stink is ridiculous.

Op, I agree, this is her. It sounds like a deal breaker.

She wants a companion not a liver and has slipped into being her true self which unfortunately is a slob.

You have tried to get her to up her standards but to no avail so don’t feel bad about dumping her.

Lover ^

This is who she is - she made an effort at first, in the honeymoon phase. This is obviously a dealbreaker for you. I'd have an honest conversation, and if she's not willing to change, I'd break up. I would not tolerate this behaviour, which only gets worse with time, I'm afraid.