Was this trying to force me into doing something I didn't want to do?

Tg1974 · 2025-06-08T22:26:31+00:00

Myself and my boyfriend of a few years are both members of a running club and regularly go to different parts of England with the club for weekends away, fell running. There are usually two different levels on these weekends- one is more difficult than what we'd usually do on a normal Saturday at home. Boyfriend goes between levels, I usually do the one I'm used to doing at home, but one particular weekend I told him I was thinking of doing the more challenging for the first time. He said that's great, I can be a support to a couple of others doing it. He was doing the easier one. However on the morning, I didn't feel great and hadn't slept well, and told him I wasn't going to do the challenging after all. He got annoyed, said I was letting the two others down (I wasn't, they'd plenty of other support), and went between silent treatment to being short and abrupt with me before we went to breakfast... anyway, I ended up doing the challenging, more to keep him happy. AIBU to think this was kind of pushing me to do something that I really didn't want to?

steff13 · 08/06/2025 23:28

Did you do something you didn't want to do because he was giving you the silent treatment? If so then yes.

Spirallingdownwards · 08/06/2025 23:29

Why is it on you to support others anyway? He is being a twat.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/06/2025 23:30

I find it worrying that he would be like this over something that was your decision and that you would feel pushed into it by his reaction. Is this a pattern?

MrBlobbyScaresMe · 08/06/2025 23:31

He should've taken your place in the challenging one then if he was that bothered about giving others moral support. What a knob.

MrBlobbyScaresMe · 08/06/2025 23:33

Wouldn't that be classed as coercive anyway?

DifficultEggs · 08/06/2025 23:35

Don’t ever do anything you don’t want to, regardless of someone else sulking about it. His shit is his shit.

Also, you’re not the other runners’ human support animal. You get to choose which level you run on any given day according to your own state of mind/body, not because you’re there to support someone else’s run.

DiscoBob · 08/06/2025 23:36

I don't think it sounds very nice of him. If he was trying to be motivational, he should've said something like 'I believe in you, you can do it. It would be so cool to try this one as you trained for it..'

Rather than claim you're disadvantaging two others who you may not even be close friends with and who probably don't care.

Tell him to do the challenging one next time and if he doesn't want to then say 'Well, you made me do it last time'.

No don't really say that. Unless you are super competitive with eachother. He shouldn't be sulking about anything anyway, it's super childish.

Original poster

Tg1974 · 08/06/2025 23:37

steff13 · 08/06/2025 23:28

Did you do something you didn't want to do because he was giving you the silent treatment? If so then yes.

I probably did. If left to my own devices, I wouldn't have done it, even though I did complete it okay.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tg1974 · 08/06/2025 23:40

MrBlobbyScaresMe · 08/06/2025 23:31

He should've taken your place in the challenging one then if he was that bothered about giving others moral support. What a knob.

Yes, he kept going on about letting people down but I really wasn't... there was about 15 others to give the two others support and they said at breakfast to just suit myself, they weren't bothered.

OP posts:

LittleGreenDragons · 09/06/2025 00:21

He got annoyed, said I was letting the two others down (I wasn't, they'd plenty of other support), and went between silent treatment to being short and abrupt with me before we went to breakfast... anyway, I ended up doing the challenging, more to keep him happy.

Why are you making yourself unhappy to keep him happy? That is the real question. We all do little things for our partners but not at the expense of self.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/06/2025 00:24

What do you think was behind his sulking? How does the level of challenge you do impact him? He said about you letting others down - but this is you, not him, so why does he care?

I’m sorry you felt pressured - that isn’t nice at all.

nomas · 09/06/2025 00:56

Yes, he was controlling and abusive. He gave you silent treatment to bring you back in line and to train you into doing as he wants in future.

Proceed at your peril.

Renabrook · 09/06/2025 01:00

Well you chose to do it, but to be doesn't it is another endless case of somome letting others do their thinking for them, you could have said no

Endofyear · 09/06/2025 06:51

Ultimately, it was your choice to do the more challenging run, even if his disapproval made you feel like you should. His behaviour wasn't fair and you knew the others would be ok with support from others so why did you feel pressured to do it? Is it simply that you felt the need to placate him? If so, why? I think you need to look at the relationship as a whole and ask yourself if there is a pattern of behaviour here and you going along with him in order to avoid his disapproval or bad moods.

Original poster

Tg1974 · 09/06/2025 08:35

Thanks, all. I didn't think about it too much at tbe time, but looking back a few weeks later I was kind of annoyed with myself that I 'gave in'.

In the relationship in general, he often thinks his way is best at times, can be a bit critical of me - eg, when I'm driving tells me when he thinks I should overtake, or when I've cooked, he doesn't really comment but will praise his own cooking no end - I'd describe it as a bit of a superior kind of personality trait.

Don't get me wrong, he has good points.

OP posts:

rurbane · 09/06/2025 08:52

Were you happy with him deciding you'd support other people when it was your first time doing the challenging level? Feels a bit like he let you do the work but he took the credit for 'supplying' you. Happy to be told I'm wrong, I'm cynical so sometimes see issues that aren't there.

LittleGreenDragons · 09/06/2025 08:53

Tg1974 · 09/06/2025 08:35

Thanks, all. I didn't think about it too much at tbe time, but looking back a few weeks later I was kind of annoyed with myself that I 'gave in'.

In the relationship in general, he often thinks his way is best at times, can be a bit critical of me - eg, when I'm driving tells me when he thinks I should overtake, or when I've cooked, he doesn't really comment but will praise his own cooking no end - I'd describe it as a bit of a superior kind of personality trait.

Don't get me wrong, he has good points.

In the relationship in general, he often thinks his way is best at times, can be a bit critical of me - eg, when I'm driving tells me when he thinks I should overtake, or when I've cooked, he doesn't really comment but will praise his own cooking no end - I'd describe it as a bit of a superior kind of personality trait.

No OP, that is how an abusive relationship starts. It's the undermining and the belittling that erodes the partner's self confidence and self esteem until they are trapped. Look up emotional abuse and then get the hell away.

sueelleker · 09/06/2025 08:54

YANBU. If he was that worried about supporting them, he should have done the challenging route himself. Sounds like the sort of person who "volunteers" your services to other people.

Endofyear · 09/06/2025 09:31

Tg1974 · 09/06/2025 08:35

Thanks, all. I didn't think about it too much at tbe time, but looking back a few weeks later I was kind of annoyed with myself that I 'gave in'.

In the relationship in general, he often thinks his way is best at times, can be a bit critical of me - eg, when I'm driving tells me when he thinks I should overtake, or when I've cooked, he doesn't really comment but will praise his own cooking no end - I'd describe it as a bit of a superior kind of personality trait.

Don't get me wrong, he has good points.

Sounds like you need to start telling him to keep his opinions to himself and reign in his criticism! Start standing up for yourself a bit more OP and see what happens. You might find he's not the man for you if he doesn't like you being more assertive.

ZippyPeer · 09/06/2025 10:39

Tg1974 · 09/06/2025 08:35

Thanks, all. I didn't think about it too much at tbe time, but looking back a few weeks later I was kind of annoyed with myself that I 'gave in'.

In the relationship in general, he often thinks his way is best at times, can be a bit critical of me - eg, when I'm driving tells me when he thinks I should overtake, or when I've cooked, he doesn't really comment but will praise his own cooking no end - I'd describe it as a bit of a superior kind of personality trait.

Don't get me wrong, he has good points.

From what I understand, this was how my mother's relationship started out, just a sense that he thought himself superior. She has now spent decades in an emotionally abusive relationship. She's recently acknowledged this but thinks it is too late to get out. Please don't end up like that, it is no way to live...

Original poster

Tg1974 · 09/06/2025 10:39

rurbane · 09/06/2025 08:52

Were you happy with him deciding you'd support other people when it was your first time doing the challenging level? Feels a bit like he let you do the work but he took the credit for 'supplying' you. Happy to be told I'm wrong, I'm cynical so sometimes see issues that aren't there.

Edited

Yes, I think you're right.

OP posts:

ChocHotolate · 09/06/2025 10:47

I would be wondering if there was a reason he didn’t want you doing the other level with him?

EdinLon1 · 09/06/2025 22:37

He sounds like a bit of a bully. As a previous poster said, I'd tread carefully here and think about whether he's the one for you

healthybychristmas · 09/06/2025 23:25

He sounds horrible! Of course he'll have good points but his bad ones are awful. Just the thought of him praising his own food just makes me cringe so hard.