Jealousy is the worst emotion - need advice please

[EmberR]

I’ve been struggling to conceive a second child for a long time now and it’s likely I need to let it go as I’m too old. My best friend has just announced she’s pregnancy with her second - she’s a lot younger than me. I’m so so happy for her and I wish her all the best but I’m struggling to not feel sad for myself. She knows our situation and has been so considerate to me and my husband.

I’m just looking for some kind words of wisdom to please help me

I've been on both sides of this (regarding secondary infertility) and I think you just have to let yourself feel it. You aren't a bad person and it is completely natural and lots of solidarity.

It's okay to be jealous. I know it's an uncomfortable feeling but let yourself feel it so that you can move through it. I'm really sorry you are struggling to conceive.

Jealousy is a natural feeling at times. It's what you do with these feelings that matters. Perhaps these feelings are a sign that you may want to consider working towards acceptance?

Thank you for your kind messages. How do I move past the grief into some kind of acceptance? I don’t want to feel sad about it. I don’t want to negatively impact my wonderful child. I don’t want to make my husband so sad because I feel sad. How can I move forward?

It is so natural and normal to feel jealous in this situation. I am probably not the best person to give advice on acceptance of unfair situations because I really struggle with it too! But I hope that you are able to give yourself the time, space and kindness to come to terms with your own situation. It is so difficult and I hope you can find some peace in time.
Have you listened to any of Elizabeth Day’s podcasts? She talks a lot about her infertility journey in such a raw, but beautiful and hopeful way.

Jealousy is destructive- I’d call it envy, you are envious becaus you want it so much. It’s ok and understandable, if she’s a close friend I’d tell her. I’d be honest about it all, make it clear you are over the moon for her, but you kind of need a bit of a wallow to as you probably can’t fulfil your own dreams. If she’s a good friend she will totally understand.

I think you need to feel emotions, let them out, time will heal. My friend went through similar but sadly no babies at all, she said I’m going on holidays now, I’m enjoying myself and I’m not going to be the best aunty ever! I’m not babysittting- I’m going to enjoy my freedom.

Enjoy the child you have, spoil them, relax and you never know what might happen. A friend let go of her dream and ended up conceiving in her forties when she thought time was up. She had been through failed IVF’s- you never know. What will be, will be- take care.

The best thing you can do is sit with the feelings, even if/especially if they are uncomfortable. They won't last forever, and you'll feel far worse if you add in the internal diktat that you're supposed to repress all negative or uncomfortable feelings. Life is full of periods of uncomfortable feelings. It's unrealistic to feel otherwise.

It's not a matter of not wanting to feel sad/jealous -- you do feel sad and jealous. Just sit with it. It's not a permanent state. Ask for a bit of time to process if you need it from your friend.

Agree with others, let yourself feel those emotions. You could perhaps confide in your friend that you're experiencing some difficult feelings, whilst still trying to accept her situation.

Have you considered counselling to help you work through your feelings? It would give you a safe place to take all of this, where you can feel sad and jealous with out affecting those around you or worrying about upsetting your friend.

Thanks for all your kind advice. It really is appreciated and well thought through.

I am starting to see a counsellor this week to see if I can just let the emotions out. I have been keeping it in for nearly a year and it’s just bubbling and making me very sad. I am not the same person I was? I don’t like who I have become.

I hope with some talking therapy and time I can heal and move on. It’s just so uncomfortable to feel envious of something so primal