I’m not sure what to do. I’m 7 months pregnant with our first. We’ve been together 16 years, childhood sweethearts and best friends. He is a great person but he has a big flaw: he keeps things from me and I’m worried I don’t know how far it goes. I didn’t realise this until after I got pregnant and we had been trying for a long time.
He is very sociable and always played fast and loose with alcohol, our only arguments in our whole relationship have been when he has gotten ‘messy’ from drinking and how I really hate that. I found out that he had been introducing some class A drugs without my knowledge when out with friends and he had a bad health scare, which was frankly shocking and terrifying. I hit the roof, he moved to his mums for a short while, started therapy which seems to really suit him. He hasn’t gotten drunk since and had made a big effort. He promises to never to touch drugs again.
Things have seemed to be going really really well. I’ve been working to build my trust again (I’m very big on communication and very open with him, but knew there was no point reuniting unless I was planning to trust him fully). I’ve always been aware that he tells little white lies here and there, things to maybe ‘keep the peace’ but I’m someone who would rather have complete transparency and he knows this.
I’m upset because we were recently on holiday and I caught him vaping in our hotel bathroom. I didn’t know he vaped, i wouldn’t have really cared if he started doing that quite openly in front of me (even though I would prefer him not to), but it was the way he was doing it so secretly. My big worry if that he gets a thrill out of hiding things. It’s upset me as he knows how much I’ve worked on the trust. He said he has been doing it socially but not in front of of me as I ‘wouldn’t like it’. I don’t like that he makes that decision for me. He says he feels his has compulsive tendencies.
the icing on the cake was after a big discussion about the sneakiness, when he got really upset and apologised, he said he would throw the vape in the bin. I asked if he had and he said ‘yes in the bathroom bin’, I checked and it wasn’t there, just a load of clean paper as if to hide that it was empty. This has been the biggest red flag.
Im worried. worried about what else there could be. Am I overthinking it?
Im going to confront him again but what should our plan be? joint therapy?
We need to get this sorted as baby is on the way and I thought everything was going well again. I don’t want to be a wife who checks the bin after he says he has thrown something away but hasn’t… checks his phone etc but I’m starting to feel paranoid.