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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Another FB PA status dilemma from family

11 replies

BunnyEaster · 08/06/2025 12:51

Well it's not a dilemma at all as I'm choosing to ignore but it still hurts ( a tiny bit). Dh has zero opinion on the matter which is the most important as it's his sibling.

Bil emigrated to Canada about 20 years ago and mil followed him. Both totally of their own free will. They slag off the UK and much prefer Canada.

Mil said to me last year how sad it is because she grew up in and out of her aunt and uncles houses and with her cousins. I just thought well that's impossible for us as you and bil are on another continent.

Then bil posts how sad it is that his cousins was his best friends growing up but his kids and their cousins are strangers. Dc are the only cousins so it's about dc.

What is the motive for the post? He chose to move? He chooses not to see us or tell when he is in the UK. His kids are all young adults now and at no point in the previous 16 years was forming a bond important to him. If it was, he has never mentioned it. They can't ever have that bond retrospectively as they have only met maybe five times at most if that. There's never going be that " do you remember when was 8 and you fell out of the tree? Or remember the time we caught sipping aunties wine?"

We are 20 miles from central London and we often see posts of him and fil meeting with his kids. We are never asked if we want to come, we only find out he is in the UK and 40 minutes train ride away after the event. He nevers asks to catch up while he is over here.

Surely he can't really be sad it's panned out like this? My kids aren't sad. Exact words was "why would I miss something I have never known?" Why post it?

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AgnesX · 08/06/2025 13:04

It sounds like the usual thing that people who've emigrated do, which is to look back at relationships through rose tinted specs.

If it had been important at the time he would have done something about it

RightSaidFrederica · 08/06/2025 13:16

I’d just stop looking at their updates tbh. They sound irritating, and I can’t imagine you’ll ever gain much from them.

BunnyEaster · 08/06/2025 13:17

Yes maybe it's regret that's this was a consequence of emigrating?

I just feel that's framed that we are somehow to blame. Like having your story re written. We was never asked if we would regularly fly over. Mil just assumed we would without thinking how we would pay for that

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Fluffygoon · 08/06/2025 13:23

As the old saying goes- Actions speak louder than words. What has BIL done to encourage closer family ties? Have you been invited to Canada, does DH speak much to his brother?

A friend has a mum and a sister who moved to Europe- different countries. Both a bit self centred as they get funny if friend doesn’t visit- they don’t consider cost of flights, car hire and using up annual leave. Yet they don’t make an effort to come back to see her.

nomas · 08/06/2025 13:28

BunnyEaster · 08/06/2025 13:17

Yes maybe it's regret that's this was a consequence of emigrating?

I just feel that's framed that we are somehow to blame. Like having your story re written. We was never asked if we would regularly fly over. Mil just assumed we would without thinking how we would pay for that

YANBU, I would just ignore their posts totally.

Have they ever invited you to visit and have you visited them?

BunnyEaster · 08/06/2025 13:39

We was only invited to bil 1st wedding. Never since. That was 19 years ago now. He hasn't even said in passing it would be nice if we could go over. He is over in the UK several times a year and although not on our doorstep we could easily see him within the day. But he never tells us. See photos of him meeting fil at Waterloo station and I'm thinking we on the direct line to Waterloo. But it's never made him sad on any of those occasions has it?

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Gundogday · 08/06/2025 13:46

With the current situation in the US and Canada, do you think they’re beginning to regret their decision?

myplace · 08/06/2025 13:50

He’s totally demonstrating what he thinks is the correct emotion, while not actually needing to change his behaviour. No one can say he doesn’t care about family- look at all his Facebook posts!

You however, what evidence do you have that you think extended family is important?! 😉

He assuages his guilt about the decisions he’s made, that’s all.

ajandjjmum · 08/06/2025 14:02

Choices have consequences.

PermanentTemporary · 08/06/2025 14:08

Best to ignore it. Classic 'social' media, meaningless post probably copied from some influencer when hes feeling a bit homesick, one person is hurt by it, nobody else cares or really notices, a few prople 'like' it to show theyre still around. Great outcome, not. Actions speak louder than words.

BunnyEaster · 08/06/2025 15:37

Gundogday · 08/06/2025 13:46

With the current situation in the US and Canada, do you think they’re beginning to regret their decision?

They would never admit that. I don't think they could ever afford to come back now either. We did ask mil what he contingency plan was for old age - she hasn't got one. Same for bil I assume.

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