To not want to do an exhausting trip every year in perpetuity?

[Kate8889]

My grandmother is 89, she lives in Russia by herself and we've been taking turns visiting her. We moved over in 1999 when I was 9 and I have visited almost every year.

The trip from US now is 3 hour + 9 hr + 45 minute plane and a 6 hour wait at the border+ 7 hour bus ride. It is EXHAUSTING and all I do while there is help my grandma with whatever she needs, and sometimes meet with a friend for lunch once. It's not a real break. It kills all my vacation time.

I now have two children, 2 yo and 10 week old. Despite this, because I love my grandma and want to spend time with her, I plan on going over in September for 3 weeks (anything less and the trip isn't really worth it). My MIL and mom will be helping with the kids

My mom and I were talking about what to do once my grandma can no longer walk (she's unfortunately been slowing down, despite doing great for her age).

She apparently expects me to travel to Russia every year, using my 12 days of vacation, even if my grandma is no longer there (passed). I told her that's not going to happen. I want to take vacations with the kids and my husband sometimes, and what would I do in Russia without my grandma there, what would be the purpose?

My life has been mostly here for the past several decades. Russia has also been a bully on the world stage lately. There's really nothing there for me, except maybe free healthcare but even that's pretty shoddy.

Am I unreasonable to not want to go over as often if my grandma is no longer around, esp considering I have a husband and kids?

Absolutely not unreasonable.
Many would see it as being unfair even now. Do you ever get to holiday with your dh and kids?

The time for your mother to be concerned about whether you were attached to Russia was when you 9 before you moved away. I can see that she might want to go back and might want company but I would plan perhaps once every five years once the children are 10 plus.

They're very young and we spend Christmas through Jan 2 together as a family at home and once a year my husband and I go away for a four day weekend but since our honeymoon nothing more than that

Once every five years maximum it might be nice for them to see their roots but definitely not every year.

Once every 5 years is plenty once your grandmother has passed. You have your own life.

She really wants to live between the two countries (50/50) which I told her is going to be tough.

Why would your mum expect you to go to Russia when your gm has passed? I'm confused

Does your mother visit - is she part of the ‘taking turns’ This seems extremely unfair .

Presumably your parents made the choice to move without Grandma when you were young. You have spent your formative years in US culture.

Why would you go back when your family is no longer there?

Your mum does not get to dictate how you support the person she left behind. You are not at all unreasonable, but your mother on the other hand …

Because we have two apartments there I guess? I'm not sure how she pictured things after my grandma is no longer around, but if it's up to me I'd sell everything and say goodbye forever to a country which failed me as a child and continues to fail me.(I needed medical treatment which wasn't available there)

I'd set up video calls and wouldn't go again. Not with 10 days of vacation time or whatever terrible shreds of holiday you get. But I'm quite a cold fish I've come to think.

Yes she visits more than I do, every 9 months or so but it's to her benefit as she has property and bank accounts there

That seems nuts tbh.
I dont know anyone who emigrated, and I know a good few, who do this.
I have one friend from Japan who used to go see her parents once a year but that was a total holday, they spoiled her the whole time. Now her parents have passed she goes back once every 3 years to visit their grave.
Taking everything into account, even the fact that its Russia, no, id not be giving in to that demand. That part of your life sounds over, its ok to move on.

Is that because your DM has nobody else to go with if you weren’t to go (going forwards)? If so that’s not your problem or job to fix. You have your own life & DC & are being more than a good grand daughter & daughter in your support of your GM to date. Your DM needs to be told that she will have to find someone else to travel with or go it alone if she wants to retain her ties with her morherland & that it’s not your job to facilitate that. I mean you were moved aged 9 from it so it’s hardly reasonable to expect to you to return in perpetuity. Obviously there may be reasons for why you had to move (& your DM maybe didn’t have much choice I don’t know) but if there are t other family members that she can stay with when there or meet on arrival that’s again not your fault. I think it puts you in a very difficult position but your DC & family needs do come first.

You were a 9 year old child when this move was decided for you. It's not on you to make this long distance work especially when you didn't choose it.

She's fine by herself but she doesn't want to be living there full time so she wants me available to help take care of life admin there if needed.

I've been doing it for my grandmother's sake but I don't see the value for me in keeping on with this if she's no longer there. Sure St Petersburg is beautiful but I want to see other places too.

I call my grandma for about 20 minutes every morning and show her the kids and the cats. She's really sad she can't meet them in person but I don't feel safe taking them over at this point, and there are no US visas being given to Russian citizens.

You are not unreasonable. This whole situation came into being when you were 9, so you had no say in it.

I get that your mum doesn't want to completely cut her roots with her home country, but that's her decision. I also get that they went to US originally for your benefit, they put you first. But you have your own kids and family now, you have to, in turn, put your kids first.

As others have said, once ever 5 years would be a good compromise. But to use all your vacation every year is not fair on you, or your DH or your kids.

With kids that age, I think it's unreasonable to expect you to go over annually now

There’s no reason for you to go at all once grandma has died.
You don’t really need to discuss it now, just book some other holiday when the time comes.
Also, in your shoes, I don’t think I’d be going now and leaving the children behind given what’s going on in the world. What if you got stuck there without your babies?

It's actually not that bad because my mom takes my daughter for the whole weekend while I'm there and it is a wonderful chance for them to bond. Obviously it would be better if my grandma could come over here or lived closer.

Once every few years is plenty. Once a year is far too much

You gm could live for several more years. Are you really going to forgo holidays with dh and your kids for more years?
i think you need to prioritise your family now, not just when she dies.

She needs help and it shouldn't be all on my mom. Until the kids are both potty trained, holidays aren't going to be that much fun anyway, at least that's what I have heard.

If you don’t want to go at all once your grandmother has died then I think that’s absolutely fine, there’s no reason for you to go.