He constantly calls and messages to tell me he loves and misses me

[Bubbletea125]

My partner will go to places like work and will try go to the toilet just to call me. Or will message multiple time saying he loves and misses me and I’m his everything. If I don’t pick up he will call again.

He will even go out with friends and go outside or go to toilet to chat with me. I tell him not to do it as I don’t want to be those couples.

Am I being unreasonable sometimes I just feel like ignoring him, even though I do love him. I really don’t understand where this comes from, as I don’t need this constant validation

@Bubbletea125 how long have you been together? Long enough to kindly tell him you love him but feel his life experiences and loss have led him to form attachments in a way that maybe some counselling might help with? This is stifling. Not only that - yes he’s lovely but if you can’t respond how he feels he needs you to then he won’t be happy either. So some counselling for him or together could help both of you and the relationship thrive.

I think it depends how much. Once at work, once out with friends. Maybe toy could meet in the middle because it sounds like you are a bit detached and could use an opportunity to grow in being able to express how you feel and connect with your emotions. Sometimes the things which annoy us in someone are where need to change as well. I've no doubt you both need to meet in the middle somewhere, but I disagree he's being controlling or stalker!

How would he react if you booked a girlie weekend away with friends? Crying and sulking? - it’s over. Drives you to the airport and buys you a drink at departures? - work on his insecurities.

No, you have healthy boundaries and are not codependent.

His behaviour might be ok if it was occasionally, under severe stress, for example. I might ring home and touch base more often if I’m at a funeral for example. I might need to speak to a loved one if I’m dealing with bad news about a dear friend. Ordinary days? No. It’s interfering with normal day to day activities and isn’t healthy.

I feel stifled just reading your OP.

Do him a kindness and encourage him to seek therapy or just move to Australia and ghost him.

He’s checking up on you.

Completely agree. Have an open discussion with him, and if he can’t stop, and refuses to get help, or see the problem, wave goodbye and don’t look back.
I didn’t do this, as I felt my ex was a kind man who had lost his father early in life.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. Controlling, abusive psychopath.

Something can be toxic without being malicious. That doesn’t make it any less harmful.

By constantly calling and messaging, and then being ‘down’ if you don’t respond, he is controlling you. It’s emotional manipulation. He is making unreasonable demands and then making you feel bad for not giving in to them.

Just like he is also trying to emotionally manipulate you into having a baby with him that you don’t want and can’t afford, in your other thread.

You say you have seen toxic. I think perhaps you haven’t seen every kind of toxic, because your partner’s behaviour absolutely is toxic and it absolutely is an attempt to control you. He might not even realise it himself, but that is 100% not a reason for you to put up with it.

He needs a therapist. You can't fix him.

This kind of obsession will grow into control and the relationship will suffocate you, while his wounds remain unhealed.

Controlling and unhealthy.

That would make me feel nauseous

This. Just tell him it’s alienating you, and to stop asap.

He's being stalkerish and very controlling and the impact on you will be the same whether it's from malicious intent or trauma or both.

Sneaking away from work or his friends to contact you is really off. He doesn't want others to see how often he's trying to contact you. The repeat contact if you don't respond immediately is a huge red flag

Is this a fairly new relationship?

How long have you been together?

I wouldn't be able to take this smothering and controlling behaviour, I'd have been long gone.

Does he have Find your location on with you? If not, don't allow it.

This is incredibly controlling behaviour.

Thanks everyone. Does anyone have like an actual plan of action. I don’t know what the best thing to do is

We don’t know your situation, @Bubbletea125
Do you live together?

The ironic thing with cases like this is that the person is so afraid they're going to lose you that they suffocate you, which makes you leave, ending in them losing you.

The only way he'll "get better" is through therapy. Suggest that.

Nah. If somebody makes you feel like you're kicking a puppy every time you don't think of him at all moments of the day or worry about his 'trauma' meaning you have to give up your boundaries in order to make him feel better, it's just coercive control in disguise.

I didn't mean that flippantly, OP. You really can't help him get over these anxious feelings. And you're not clearly not getting what you want out of the relationship.

If you think it's coming from a place of insecurity, can you suggest that he has some counselling? I would find his behaviour very wearing and it's ultimately going to drive you away.

I’ve seen several posts asking how long you have been together and I’m wondering why you haven’t answered in any of your subsequent replies?