No emotional support - get on with it life’s hard

[Dfjackson]

Hi
i have been in a 7 year relationship with my partner, have a beautiful baby 12 months old. From week 6 of her being born we have been self building a two storey extension on our home, even with family building it has been very stressful. My partner works 12 hour shifts varying earlies lates and nights. On his days off work he has been required to be out helping my father for most of the last year. We try to make sure we have family time where we can but sometimes that is only one out of two or three of his days off.
I will be returning to 12 hour shift work myself in September.
I have exclusively breast fed our daughter which has been one of the biggest challenges of my life, she has dairy and egg allergies which meant my diet was completely stripped back I have lost a lot of weight. My daughter is a terrible sleeper and for the last year has never slept more than 3 hours straight (by the time I’ve held her after feeding her I may get 2-2.5 hours sleep before I’m up again. I am roughly functioning on 5 hours of unbroken sleep. My baby refuses a bottle.
I am exhausted as is my partner.

I have just tried to give some background of our life I’ve probably missed lots out as I’m currently very upset writing this.

Over the last year I have had times when I have been very upset at the sheer exhaustion. When I cry my partner will ask ‘what’s up’ to which I typically reply everything! Everything is up’ it’s so hard all of it. He may give me a hug and say it’s ok and then he will appear quite stern and abrupt almost angry. I have the support of my parents and sister so have sort of got through the times.

last month me and my partner had a bit of an argument over absolutely nothing but his anger was not acceptable he said some very hurtful things. We discussed this after a week or so and he apologised and we both agreed communication needs to be better and we are both struggling with the stress. I stated I wouldn’t carry on in a relationship with him if that happened again and we have moved on.

Yesterday morning I woke up after having maybe 3 hours sleep as my daughter is teething and wanted to lay and feed on me ALL night. I cried as soon as he kissed my daughter and my forehead in the morning and left the room to get myself together, he asked what’s up I said everything it’s all to much I’m exhausted. He said right well go get in bed. I was so hungry as feeding all night is difficult. I did go and get an hour extra sleep and we went for a walk in the afternoon which helped me get through the day without being upset.
Bed time was a complete sh*t show so once I got back downstairs with 5 minutes to myself I was in floods of tears again. He says what’s up again I said it’s so much pressure on me constantly to be my baby’s everything I am struggling it’s so hard and basically just couldn’t stop crying. He hugged me and said it will be ok to which I replied but it won’t we keep saying this and it just never gets better. He basically then went and ate his tea in front of me whilst I cried, had an ice cream and went and took a shower and got in bed. All whilst I am literally heart broken. I ended up having to ring my mum for support which got cut short as my daughter woke so I had to go and be there for her. When he picks her up or try’s to console her at night she screams and screams (we do keep trying to work on this) I was up and down all night again still feeling quite low and sad that I do not get the emotional support from my partner

This evening I have asked to talk -
he stated that there’s nothing he can say that will make it ok and that life’s hard he’s struggling too and we just have to suck it up and get on with it
He said he gave me a hug and said it will be ok so what else could he have done
I said even if you just say with me and held my hand and said nothing at all that would have been enough to not have been made to feel irrelevant and like my emotions don’t matter. He said so u wanted me to sit there for hours
i said surely you would do that if that’s what it took to make your partner feel ok?
we have basically ended up having quite a heated row and I have said I can’t keep relying on my parents for support there not going to be here forever and I should be able to count on him for emotional support and I genuinely cannot. He states he doesn’t feel appreciated and that he is struggling too and you’ve got to suck it up and get on with it. I said if he expressed he is struggling then why doesn’t he tell me so I can try support him and help him get through harder times. I am trying my best to cope but I am now at the point of realising it’s not ok to feel like I cannot cry in my own home. It’s not ok to feel like i am some sort of burden. if im completely honest we have been here many times really when ive been very hormonal for example and he just goes into some defence mode and just doesnt support me beyond one hug.

if im being a wimp here please be straight with me. I just need someone to tell me if im expecting to much when we are both under a lot of pressure

he wants to get up with the baby, he wants to be able to settle her and be there for her how I am but she just will not allow it right now for whatever reason. I have never once made him feel sh*t but I can’t help but express how much pressure I feel when everything with our daughter is all on me. Maybe he feels helpless? I don’t know but tonight he basically said there’s the door if everything he’s doing I can’t appreciate and that I should crack on and suck it up.

im really upset and feel so lonely in my own house. Im 31 yet feel like I just want to cry in my mums arms.

sorry about this post being so scatty and poorly written.

P.s. I am trying to start night weaning to hopefully make sleep better for myself and baby. I am trying to introduce every type of bottle and sippy cup. I am trying to change things to make them easier and better but this is taking so long.

Having a baby is hard, and it's hard to function on not enough sleep. Sounds like you're both exhausted and stressed. It does get easier x

I can see both sides.

The newborn stage is dreadful and it sounds like a lot of upheaval with renovations too.

Sorry to say, but I do kind of think - what more can he do!? It sounds like you are quite upset, quite a lot of the time at the moment and I can understand from his POV that nothing he says has an impact so why bother to keep going and going with the reassurances. You should try and communicate better and not run to your parents. Say to him "I need more than a hug right now; can you sit with me and talk?" Try and articulate as clearly as possible what you want/expect. You kind of have to teach these men in the beginning 😂

As for the feeding and settling, I'm afraid you are making a rod here. Bottle feeding needs to come in so your DP can take one of the feeds. You are at the end of your rag and I'm betting a lot of its from lack of sleep. If she won't settle for him, it's because you're always jumping in. You're also indicating that he's no good when you swoop in and take over. That would make me feel like a second rate parent.

By 12 months old I'm sorry, I'd also be letting my baby cry it out to a certain extent! They don't need to lay on you and feed all night at that age. Better for baby to get a little sleep training now, to save the sanity of mum and dad...

It can be really hard with a baby with allergies. They often don't sleep through the night as early as other babies. Do you attend a paediatric allergy clinic with your baby? Does she have a prescription for a dairy-free formula? Because I think what would really help is stopping breastfeeding and getting her to take the formula. It will take a few weeks, but she is old enough not to be breastfed, so I would try that. I've been in your situation, losing weight because of the restricted diet, not having enough sleep and feeling like there is no way out because I was the baby's everything, their only source of nutrition, nobody else could feed them. But at 11 months I managed to get my baby to accept the bottle and the slightly bitter-tasting dairy-free formula. Their allergy symptoms nearly disappeared, their eczema got better and they started to sleep 11 hours a night! Once I started to get proper sleep, my mood got better and other things seemed easier as well.

You're going to get lots of posts on here telling you to stop BF, I'm just letting you know i get it and I know it's not that simple. (If you don't want to stop you don't have to, but if you do, your baby will be upset and let you know about it, and thats ok too).

I'd sit with your partner and explain what you need. Can he have the baby for a few hours in the mornings when not on shift so you can sleep, he can take her out for a few hours? Could you spend time together one evening a week, just cuddling and talking, no phones/tv etc.

Sounds like you have a lot going on. You'll get through it.

Mate that sounds really really tough.

Big hugs.

It will get better I promise and once things ease you will have more to give each other emotionally. It is just so hard now because the situation you are both in is so difficult - it isn't the two of you, it's the situation

That sounds horrendous but your baby will be fine without you for 24 hours. Leave your DP to do all the caring tonight, get some sleep at your mum’s and tomorrow will be a much better day.

Of course your exhausted you are 24/7 mummy and losing weight and feeding baby constantly it seems.
And with massive stressful building work. Has baby always been short sleeper?
did you have a difficult or long labour? Just thinking have you thought of Cranial osteopathy, for your baby ?
I cannot speak from experience, however I have has me two friends one like you baby couldn’t take dairy and was always upset crying and needing her mum.
my friend went to see a cranial osteopath and, she couldn’t believe how her baby daughter, instantly became more relaxed and slept for a whole 8 hours !
maybe worth looking to ? Also I have worked with midwives, whom also advocated this treatment.
sounds like your DP is trying to be supportive, but like you is shattered from 12 hour shifts and you need to get your strength back. Check out local cranial Osteopaths and see if it helps . Sending you massive hugs and your doing a great job 👏

It sounds like you are both very stressed and over whelmed and you have different ways of dealing with this. You want physical closeness and reassurance and he takes a more practical approach of let's get on amd get things sorted. Its very common and it's why relationships often don't survive major trauma such as the loss of a child. The good news is this is temporary and when you come out the other side you will have learnt a lot about each other. I do think (and I mean this very kindly) that perhaps you could be more empathetic to his struggles. When you are feeling strong maybe ask him what you can do to make his life easier.

You are not being a wimp. It is hellish. No one can enjoy life when they are profoundly sleep deprived. We had the same issue and I struggled so much.

But your DH is tight. Cruel as it seems, there is no answer other than it will pass eventually, so you do just have to muddle through it. Do not judge your relationship or eachother on how you feel or behave at this incredibly tough time. Try to factor in some fun together.

But do go to GP, HV or baby clinic to discuss sleep deprivation and why your baby isn't settling at night. Be very clear on how badly the sleep deprivation is impacting on your mental and physical health. There may be some support.

It sounds like you could be depressed, maybe your DH genuinely can't do anymore to support you. I've lived with someone depressed and it's really difficult. Sometimes there needs to be some level of detachment to get on with normal things like eating tea and going to work because if you don't you may just break yourself and be no use at all to anyone.
I'd suggest you reach out to your GP or health visitor. Maybe cut DH some slack too, it sounds like he is listening to you, acknowledging it's hard, trying to reassure you and giving you a hug for comfort. I can understand you want him to sit with you through it all but it sounds like he is doing all he can to ensure that he stays strong enough to continue getting through day to day life.

I had to re-read to check the baby was 1 year old. You do not have to feed a 1 year old all night if it’s not working for you, which it so very clearly isn’t. Stop martyring yourself. Is breastfeeding worth damaging your health and your relationship over? Because it sounds like it’s done both of those things.

Can you buy some help in with the extension? It will give your partner some downtime and he can spend some of this with the baby which will give you some child-free time.

Hi everyone thanks for your replies

I don’t sit and cry all the time I have wrote that with such emotion straight from the argument.

Im sort of summing up 7 years worth of events and times when you need emotional support (loss of relatives, miscarriages hormones etc) it’s always met with quite bluntness and basically here’s a hug now get on with it? I suppose it’s just not in my nature to let someone cry and just walk away :/ I think we just deal with emotions so differently that when you are so so emotionally drained I need such a different type of support that he doesn’t naturally give ?

I don’t know but I try my utter best to make him feel supported probably to much at times I care so so much how others feel I probably dont understand why others don’t act or respond how I would.

He's frustrated because he hasn't got the answers to help you and he can't see how to make things better. Men hate it when they're given problems they can't solve. That doesn't mean he doesn't care, or he doesn't want to help. Perhaps approach this by telling him what you need?

It sounds really hard for all!
Have you considered speaking to your GP or health visitor about how you are feeling? Reading your post, I see you tiredness and feeling drained, sometimes we don’t even realise that we are suffering from postanal depression months after the actual birth? Also, men can suffer the same. I wonder if the breakdown of communication and the way you are feeling could be because with stress and tiredness and all there is an underlying mild depression?
I hope it doesn’t sound judgmental, but it could be worth seeking help to alleviate you!

I'm wondering if you might need to reach out to a professional for some support just because it sounds like you might be having some postnatal depression or something, I know how exhausting it is to have a baby that doesn't sleep very well but it does sound like it's effecting your mood a lot and I don't think your partner is doing anything wrong probably just feels like there's not too much he can do for you. It definitely does get easier as they get bigger, baby will sleep eventually!!

This!

It's so hard, my 3rd child was still nursing 2 hourly morning, noon and night till she was 14 months old and it's exhausting. In fact, 2 hours was often the longest period, during teething it went off the rails.

But, your DH is right to a degree. I mean, is he supposed to sit for hours holding your hand? How is that helping, it's just you both kind of sitting in the misery. You both need to come up with practical solutions that work for you.

In the early days we basically survived on the mantra of "this too shall pass" and battled through. And it's true, it does pass.

OP do you think you will take any of the practical advice on this thread?

This reply isn't really discussing the different solutions people have suggested - its more wallowing/complaints about him not being supportive enough.

We all like a rant, and that's totally ok - but I can potentially see your husbands frustrations if you just want to be coddled and will not actually take any suggestion on board. Has he perhaps suggested things in the past and its just batted away? He probably thinks - what's the point!

Thanks again for your replies

Really felt sorry for myself yesterday apologies for woe is me.

Planning on getting some support and a better coping mechanism rather than relying on others especially when things are hard enough for him too what on earth do I expect! You wouldn’t think I’m a mental health first aider it’s laughable isn’t it! So different when it is yourself you don’t see the wood for the trees hence me asking on here.

My LO did a 6 hour stint last night and only one feed which wasn’t really a feed at all lasting all of 2 minutes so I’m hoping all the hard work to wean and settle in other ways is paying off finally. That extra bit of sleep has helped hugely. I will leave LO and dad to get more quality time together and for my mental health too! Going to prioritise one of his days off work to just him and baby no matter what’s going on with this extension!
You are all correct what do I exactly expect of him when things are so difficult for him too! Better communication and more working together than against each other.

Thanks to you all for the help and advice