Teenage girl barely eating - please help

[feedmefudge]

My youngest daughter is nearly 16 and for the past few weeks, has been eating one small meal a day. I am absolutely beside myself with worry and would really appreciate your support.
The reason for it seems to be a family holiday we’re going on, to celebrate my father’s ‘big’ birthday. Last summer on holiday abroad, she went in the pool once, as she was self-conscious about how she looked. So I know that she will be wanting to lose weight for this holiday.
You wouldn’t believe how much I have tried. I have NEVER commented negatively on her weight, as I grew up with that shit. I tell her she’s beautiful. I know that’s not enough in her eyes, so I offer to support her eating healthily (rather than completely shut down how she feels). She doesn’t want to know. She is incredibly stubborn and once an idea is in her head, that’s it. And the idea is to drastically reduce what she eats.
I know that after the holiday, she will go back to eating normally (she did this extreme thing once before, ages ago). I tell her - gently - that she is doing more harm than good this way, and that she’ll end up putting it back on anyway. I offer to buy in all the healthy foods she wants. Anything! But no. I threaten to take her phone away unless she eats. Doesn’t work. I once broke down and cried out of worry. At that point she relented and ate a bowl of Weetabix! 🙄
I am honestly doing my best but feel completely out of my depth. She isn’t overweight, not skinny either. She’s perfect. But obviously doesn’t see it. I feel bad for saying it, but two weekends ago, she had a sleepover round a friend’s and it felt like a weight had been lifted off me. A night off from the worry, knowing that she was having fun with her friend and eating (because she wouldn’t want to appear weird in front of a friend).
She has also been a school refuser in the latter stages of high school, but has a college place lined up for after summer. The stress of the school refusal nearly sent me over the edge. And now this. Bless her, she’s wonderful and I love her with all my heart. But she has always been the ‘difficult’ one. I suspect ADHD (not the hyperactive kind) but she would refuse to engage with any counselling.
I can’t force her to eat so, please, what do I do?

I think in all honesty, I would stop making 'a thing' of it OP. By that I mean, just let her eat what she wants to eat, but keep an eye on just how much weight she appears to be losing, and if she then continues with this extreme when the holiday is over, at that point I would be insisting on her getting some help. For the time being though, just make sure she has access to all the foods that she would normally eat, and if she doesn't want anything, just say, well the food's there for later if you want it, as if her not eating is the most natural thing in the world, as the more you make of it, the more she is likely to get secretive about it. Also, you say that she won't want her friends to know what she's doing, so if you think she's likely to snack along with them, then I don't necessarily think you have anything to worry about.

Thank you very much. I feel reassured after reading your reply!
I probably have made a bigger thing out of it, but can only hold my tongue for so long.

OP please look to see which support organization is available in your area for people with eating disorders. This will probably not be something that she/ you can solve alone

For god's sake stop trying to manipulate her into eating by threatening to take her phone and emotional outbursts. That will do so much damage.

You need to back off and let her have some autonomy, you will only make it worse by making it a bigger deal right now.

How long til the holiday?

Hi @feedmefudge I disagree with others - rapid weight loss can be very dangerous and can be categorised as atypical anorexia. My daughter's anorexia presentation began through rapid weight loss (coupled with her own perceptions). It doesn't mean it is always a cause for concern but I'd be watching very carefully. There is a long running thread on the ED page which is about supporting parents of young people with an eating disorder and you may find it useful to read there. Hopefully, you'll find that page doesn't match up to you and your daughter's current situation but if you have any concerns the posters on that page will offer their insight. I used to post regulalry but less so now as my daughter is recovered - but rapid weight loss was her entry route. Take care x

have edited to add to say that some people can do a restricted diet and revert to normal - but for some - including my DD - it definitely opens the door. I hope you're in the former category but maybe check out the threads to give yourself that assurance

Honestly op, this sounds more like your issue than hers.

Your behaviour right now - telling her she'll just put the weight back on anyway, threatening her, crying at her - is SO damaging. To her and to your relationship.

She's a 15 year old girl that's started watching her weight before a big holiday. Totally normal. You crying at her over not eating her dinner is not.

What is the general attitude towards food in your household? Is she overweight? Are you overweight?

I’m not asking that to be rude by the way, I'm just wondering if she is in situation where she generally eats too much, and the household is unhealthy so she feels the only way to lose weight is to not eat?
Living in a house hold with over eaters can be a trigger for extreme dieting in young people.

I don’t always get it right. But I’m a single mum doing my best.
Thanks for your comments, everyone.

Quite surprised at all the replies from people minimising this and saying it’s more your problem than hers. This is EXACTLY how my DSD started off and that was 12 months ago. She’s now in a residential psychiatric unit because she stopped eating altogether and nearly died. It is TERRIFYING how quickly these things take hold. With my DSD she went on a holiday where people commented on how slim she looked in her bikini, and she was then worried about putting weight on in case those same people noticed. (I wish more people realised that it’s just not ok to comment on other people bodies, especially teenage girls. It can do so much damage). She started reducing her meal sizes, then ate one small meal a day, then after that it got completely out of control and the eating disorder took over. Once they get to a certain point, they can’t come back from it no matter how much they may want to. PLEASE go to the GP and ask for a referral to an eating disorder clinic. The earlier you catch it, the less likely she is to get into a dangerous situation with it. If I could go back in time, this is what I would do.

What you said about the school refusing raises even more red flags for me, as my DSD also went through a period of this and it’s indicative of being prone to anxiety/mental health issues which means she’s much more at risk of being vulnerable to an eating disorder.

My dd has adhd and has always been small of appetite. So if you suspect that there may be a link

what is she eating for her one meal? Is she having drinks etc at other times?

My DD will be 16 in July, and eats one small meal a day. That's normal for her, and has been her pattern since she left Primary school.
She is skinny, but I don't suspect that anything is amiss? It's just her way.

You say that your DD isn't overweight or underweight. So I'm not quite understanding why you are crying/begging/threatening to take her phone away?

Do you suspect disordered eating? Sorry if I've misunderstood from your post, but I'm not clear on that.
I'd be worried that your quite extreme reaction to her eating may cause an issue, where none exists.

I agree with @mumof1or2and I would see your GP about this. Food restriction can increase quickly and anorexia can become life threatening. It may be that your DD returns to typical eating patterns but she may need support.

Get some advice (not just from mumsnet which is riddled with haters) but from professionals. Parenting is tough especially when you are single but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job just providing your daughter with love, this is priceless.