Caught my parents slagging me off

[Enchanted82]

I’m 40, married with an 8 yr old.
My parents live a few hours drive away now and they came to stay for a few days this week and went back home today. My mum accidentally called me on their way back home and I could hear them slagging me off thinking I have lied about seeing other grandparents a few weeks ago, and I’m secretive. ( I did tell my dad at the time we were seeing them but my daughter must have mentioned we saw other grandparents whilst they were here)

they are both jealous people, don’t like my in-laws but I’m sick and tired of them always trying to find fault with me and my husband. They are both retired but don’t have any hobbies apart from gardening and have just one friend I’m an only child so always want to keep the peace as we are a small family despite my mum having a drinking addiction and dad generally very difficult to be around.
AIBU to call them out and have a chat or just wasting my time?

How unpleasant for you. Sorry that happened!
I would call and let them know their criticism was misplaced but leave it at that.

Sorry your parents and ILs are difficult.

Request an apology - that will be telling.

Were they insulting you or calling you names? Or were they just moaning that you lied to them, in their opinion?

The conversation doesn't sound that bad tbh x

@mumofoneAlonebutokay Just moaning, not calling me names. I know they probably slag me and everyone else off all the time as it’s just the kind of people they ar, always criticizing. It just hurts that my parents would do that when I’ve never done anything wrong really and tried to be the best daughter and prioritized them for years!

If this is symptomatic of a general lack of positive relationship between you and your parents, you need to think about why you spend time with them and what you get from it. Grey rock and protect yourself and your wee family.

I think in your shoes OP I'd leave it. You say that this is something you would expect of them, so the fact that you heard it, isn't really a surprise. Therefore, unless you want to rock the boat, which only you can decide, I'd keep quiet in this situation.

I always hear my dad slagging me off when he doesn't put the phone down properly. I don't really care. If they want to make a fake persona up about me go ahead

I don't think it's any surprise that they were having a moan, if they are jealous as you describe. If you think it's worth letting them know what you overheard then go ahead (it might make you feel better to get it off your chest) but it's unlikely that they'll change their behaviour at this point. You shouldn't have to be secretive or worrying about how they feel if you see your in laws. Maybe have a think about how much contact you want to have with them in the future?

I feel for you and understand this as deal with it myself. YANBU for wanting to call them out at all as it’s hurtful, but I would ask yourself what it will achieve. Personally, I cannot be bothered with the drama and potential for further slagging off so just leave it nowadays and mind what I say in the future. Sad, but they’re too old to change.

@Enchanted82 as someone who has been ‘slagged off’ to my face since my early 20s and now I’m 52, I wouldn’t confront them. They are so blinkered and narrow minded like my own parents (just mom now after dad passed), all it will achieve is resentment against you - and more slagging off behind your back!

Your parents sound exactly like me, negative and jealous of everyone. I almost had an arranged marriage (v brief) which I thought would make them happy since that was one of their biggest issues with me. The guy had his own house and business with machinery. And I overheard my parents slagging off his business saying the machinery likely was releasing toxic fumes and he’s daft not to do a, b, c instead. Like wtf.! Nothing would ever make them happy. My mom is alone now, but still when I see her she tells me to ring fraud lines on people she thinks have too nice a house or car and she thinks it’s wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️.

My parents had no hobbies either and my mom fell out with virtually all her friends. Life is so short and stress is toxic, so honestly from experience they’re not going to change. I’ve told my mom a few times how her behaviour affects me and she just looks at me like I have two heads and then I could clearly hear her slagging me off to my dad! Now my dad has passed if I gently try she gets very irate and essentially tells me to ‘be quiet’ (one of the very few English phrases she bothered to learn! 😅) and that I’m ungrateful/stressing her so yeah!

It’s probably not what you wanted to hear but with hindsight I wouldn’t have bothered any sort of challenge of them as honestly it led nowhere except more stress for me and me sort of ‘confirming’ just what they always thought that you’re mean amd disrespectful to confront them like that!

I think it would be worth firmly pointing out that they don't own you, they don't get to decide how you spend your time and you can see your in-laws, or anyone else, without their permission.

Well, they can stay in a hotel next time can’t they? Rude fuckers after you put them up (and put up with them).
I really relate to the lack of hobbies amongst ageing parents problem. No job and no hobbies and very limited social circle leads to very insular thinking. And bloody boring company! I get so bored with their insular conversations which mainly centre around criticising everyone. I am expected to listen for hours on end, but simply don’t as I have things to do.

@likeafishneedsabike yes it’s exactly that. Retirement + no hobbies + no friends = very insular lives and an unnatural focus and interest on the family they do see. Too much time with their own thoughts!

In the case of my insular pair, they also consume a very narrow range of media which also centres around a discourse of criticising others.
They seriously need to get a life, as unkind as it sounds.

This is entirely correct thinking, but I know if I said that to my parents (not dissimilar to OP’s) they would just close ranks on me, tell me I’m too sensitive/over reacting and also “who do you think you are” and being told I’m arrogant for saying this

@TurquoiseDress yes they would say something very similar! Lately I’ve been getting ‘you’ve changed, what’s happened to you’’ from my dad 🙄🙈
literally nothing has changed apart from me getting some backbone and standing up for myself!

You're not alone OP my parents slag me off behind my back too. These sorts of people never change though, so you are better off just keeping the information to yourself and letting them just get on with it. Because if you confront them then you'll be the even bigger villian then they already think you are. They sound toxic. I've emotionally checked out from the parent/daughter relationship now and never ask them for help or advice or tell them any of my stuff. I've learnt the hard way. Now I just see them as two older people who I have to see from time to time. It's sad but i'm beyond getting hurt by their nasty judgemental ill informed comments towards me and particularly my DS. They can just crack on!

@hollyivy123 i think I do tell them too much ( it’s already paired back but need to be more brutal) as they use everything I say as a means to talk about me in a derogatory way, whether it’s my struggles with DD, my work or life In general. I’ve been told by them as a family we need to stop going in so many outings in the weekend and stay home because they think we are out too much. Wtf?!
stopped asking for advice a long time ago, but clearly I need to stop talking about my life so much.
so sad after all these years it comes to this. How has this happened? Must have been an idiot in my younger years

Wow! I’m finding this really eye opening to speakto people with similar parental problems. @Enchanted82 and @hollyivy123 I am sitting on massive stuff going on in my life and actively keeping it all from my parents, basically because they fail to support me. Mine too trade on ill informed comments and I don’t like to give them ammunition by telling them stuff. I am now over the fact that they are DREADFUL grandparents (I was initially sad because I had wonderful grandparents) and keep them absolutely at arms length.

I thought at first you had caught your parents shagging!

😂

You’d be wasting your time and creating aggro you could do without. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Don't rock the boat, they might leave all their money to a donkey sanctuary!

I think I’d just tell you mother to make sure she’s switched her phone off before she has conversations in the car. She’ll know.

YANBU. What you heard was hurtful, and you don’t need to keep swallowing that for the sake of family harmony. If you do speak to them, keep it simple: “I heard what you said and it really upset me. I won’t be made to feel guilty for seeing my in-laws or managing my own life.”

If they can’t respect that, it’s okay to step back. Keeping the peace shouldn’t come at the cost of your own.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It's maddening isn't it. I've become crazily independent because of my family of origin and have also struggled with adult relationships because of it. They really are life ruiners. Feel free to DM me if you want to have a rant. Sorry I missed this post earlier