Funeral WWYD - Stay with DS or go with DH?

[dontcallmehoneybadger]

Bit of a heavy one, sorry.

DH’s dad was abusive to him in every way growing up - physically, sexually, emotionally. He only opened up when I was pregnant with DS 5 years ago. He’s had therapy since and cut all contact. His dad died last week and the funeral’s on Tuesday, in Ireland. We’re in England.

DH wasn’t going to go (understandably) but has said maybe it’ll help with closure. His half brother (different mum) was also LC with their dad after finding out what happened to DH and wasn’t planning on going either, but has now said he’ll go to support DH, which is lovely.

We were due to fly Monday, I was planning to go with DH and my friend was going to have DS (4). But now DS has come out in bloody chickenpox and obviously can’t fly. I’m also 20 weeks pregnant.

DH is saying he’s not sure about the funeral itself now but still wants to go to Ireland and see his brother, maybe decide how he feels about going to the funeral on the day.

I don’t know what to do. Would it be awful to leave DS with my mum or sister and still go with DH? He’s not that poorly just itchy and a bit grumpy. They’re both happy to have him and he’d be fine, but I feel guilty.

On the other hand, DH does have his brother there and maybe I should just stay and look after DS and bump and let them do what they need to do together?

Feel torn and not sure what’s best. Just want to do right by everyone. WWYD?

What does DH want you to do?

I’d go with DH, assuming DS is comfortable with DGM.

Ask your husband what he would like you to do. Tell him you want to support him and will do whatever it is he thinks will help him best.

Tough one. Sounds like your DH could do with the support. If DS is used to your mum I think best to go but leave plenty of nice treats for her to give him.

Yeah I'd ask him how he would feel most supported. Often for me, if it's a tricky time, it's knowing that my children are being looked after by my partner rather than him being physically by my side.

I'd absolutely go with my DH in this situation. Your son will be fine with your mum or sister and hopefully by Monday the itchiness will have subsided a bit.

When my DB was 4, he had chicken pox, and my DM left him with grandparents to travel for a funeral.
This was discussed relatively recently as a similar situation had arisen with my DB and DSiL.
Turns out my mum felt guilty for ages. My DB has no memory of the event, and no concerns about it.

I'm sorry you and your DH are going through such a tough time. If your DS is comfortable with grandparents, then I'd say travel; but I don't think this situation has one right answer.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong here. I would 100% go if your DH wants you there though so best to let him take the lead on this.

DH. Absolutely. Your DS will be fine with your family, will be spoiled rotten and possibly won’t even remember it in years to come.

DS won't remember if you go or stay but this is an important, emotional point of your DH life. He needs the support to do what is best for him.

OP, if you've never had chickenpox before, please contact your midwife/obstetrician/ GP ASAP as it can be complicated in pregnancy!

100 percent go with DH. He needs you. This is a big deal for him and you are his wife.

Chicken pox is fine, he’ll be better again in a few days. And you’re fortunate enough to have childcare in your Mum and Sister. I wouldn’t let my DH do that alone.

If you have family willing to take DS, I would 100% go and support your husband. It sounds like he really needs your support right now. I’m estranged from my dad and when it comes to him dying I have no idea what I’d do but I know it will be a hell of a lot easier with DH by my side.

It needs to be a discussion with both of you. He might really need you for support, or be ok with his DB. You and him need to decide, not MN

Absolutely you should go. Your husband needs your support. Your child will be fine.

Chicken pox, can be for some one of those illnesses that just shows spots, lots of itching but doesn't slow them down.
If your parents are willing to look after your DC and your DH wants you there I'd go, you're not going to be away for long and won't want to feel regretful at not being there to support your DH.

On another note a good few tablespoons of bicarbonate of soda added to a bath of warm water was a saviour for one of my DC when they got chicken pox..scabbed over and stopped the itching over night.