Hi all,
Sorry for long post
I have posted previously asking for advice but circumstances have moved on since. We are currently going through an acrimoneous divorce process. We have young children under 7 who have SEN and on SNAP plans at school and live full time with me, and have done for the past 7 months, they have had 0 contact with their dad for 7 months.
He has always been on and off emotionally, psychologically and at times physically abusive throughout our full relationship. Punching holes in walls, doors, slamming, angry rages that could last hours, he has thrown things, smashed things to intimidate, thrown things at me or around me on many occasions. He assaulted me physically a few yrs ago which was the first time i called the police but decided not to press charges.. my thoglughts at the time were he isnt always abusive, i felt was stuck, as I was scared to leave as during the times i tried he got worse, and i still loved him and wanted to do what I could to make it work.
We tried couples therapy 3 yrs ago after the assault and had our own therapists.. he went through several, never sticking to them for long. This didnt work.
His behaviour with the children was on and off, he was around for the practical things like bedtime, and doing lunches etc.. but emotionally neglectful, was always putting games before the children, and has, in my opinion, given our eldest abandonment anxiety when once he stormed out after having a rage while we were trying to build the kids bunk beds, telling our (at the time) 4 year old he cant take it anymore, and she thought he was gone forever. She was distraught. I was left to build it myself all day, and he came back stonewalling me, refusing to talk. Hes shouted at them aggressively at times, reducing them to scared tears, also left them hungry choosing to play games instead of sort their breakfast, and in my opinion treats our younger son more harshly than our daughter, on occassions saying mean things, poking him in the chest, and absolutely unable to regulate him in a healthy way.
There was an incident last year where he was abusive while driving myself and the children in the car at high speeds, revving and putting us in a dangerous situation by throwing things at me, refused to be accountable for it and blamed me. I reported him secretly (we separated shortly after and the controlling/unsettling behaviour continued from him) and he was eventually arrested with the evidence i was able to get and removed from the home. That was last year.
He was on bail during this time not allowed to come to the home or speak to me. I was advised no contact with kids unless through a contact centre, but i told him through a 3rd party if he can show hes being accountable with therapy proof we could start up contact. He refused, and also refused a contact centre early this year.
CPS charged him based on evidence but he pled not guilty. There was a trial for the incident and he was ultimately, frustratingly, found not guilty by magistrates.
He attempted to reinstate contact on his terms after 6 months no contact. I refused and stuck to the boundary of supervised contact at a contact centre. He claims he has done no wrong and im the abuser. There have been so many issues since separation where coercive controll has continued, has blocked access to finances/bills in his name, family car etc.
He contacted a new centre and requested supported contact. Based on his behaviour throughout ajdbpost separation, I felt uncomfortable with this and gave them info on the background and the fact our children are emotionally vulnerable with SEN needs. I offered to contribute to payments if needed (though it shouldnt be an issue, he has just come into a windfall, works full time and lives rent free with family currently). They went back to him with supervised visits. He has now sent an angry solicitor letter saying im out of order, he cant afford it and he will apply to court if i keep this stance.
I would appreciate advice from others if i am unreasonable or not... thank you