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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Immense pressure on child?

34 replies

Wouldyoubehappy123 · 07/06/2025 12:14

I’m a trainee teacher and I tutor Year 5 girl outside of my school and I’ve started to feel quite uneasy about how her dad treats her. She scored incredibly well (90%) on a paper we worked on together yesterday and he responded with “why not 100%?” which made her cry. He laughed it off and told her she wouldn’t be upset if she just stopped getting things wrong, then walked away whilst she was crying with her head on the table. Mum is quite meek and doesn’t offer any support etc when dad is around. I was quite shocked and didn’t know what to do, it was awful.

She’s incredibly kind, funny and hard-working, but she often gets really tearful when we’re working together and when things aren’t perfect but won’t take a break, comfort herself or accept reassurance from me. It feels like nothing is ever good enough for him and he’s always looming around, looking over her and nitpicking at her answers. I’m not sure if this is something I should be worried about from a safeguarding point of view, but it doesn’t sit right with me because of how upset she is. She’s often teary but this is the third time she’s properly cried during one of our sessions after dad has criticised her. 😞

I have asked my headteacher for advice but wanted to hear thoughts here too. I’d like to keep working with her of course but feel like I should contact the school directly about it to let them know she’ll need some extra reassurance/support.
what do you think?

OP posts:
Chocolateorange22 · 07/06/2025 18:14

@LaughingCat thank you for sharing your experience. I can see why you would go both ways. I hope therapy has helped you somewhat to even begin to unravel those feelings from childhood. My eldest is quite academically bright and I am very conscious to try and not create pressure and that having a try is good enough. I can totally see where parents could cross that line between encouragement and pushing too far.

PennyInATizzyAgain · 07/06/2025 18:14

Chocolateorange22 · 07/06/2025 18:09

@PennyInATizzyAgain thank you for sharing your experience of this and educating me. I am so sorry that you had the upbringing that you had.

I really wish school had safe guardings for emotional abuse in place when I was there. Nobody had any idea. I just presented as a difficult kid.

TatteredAndTorn · 07/06/2025 19:04

MyKindHiker · 07/06/2025 16:22

Different parents parent in different ways. Some parents do adopt a high pressure approach. Some kids thrive under this (my grandparents definitely parented my mother and her siblings this way) others don’t. Some kids thrive under a low pressure softly softly approach, others don’t. In an ideal world every parent would match their parenting style to the child they have, but it’s not an ideal world, and I do think a mismatched parenting style for child (too much pressure, or not enough support etc) isn’t great but it also isn’t abuse.

I have a lot of mates who educate privately and are big into the super high pressure tutoring etc world. Some kids do thrive in that environment. Others not.

All you can do is step back from the role and let someone else take it on. You can’t change the parent’s style.

The idea this is abuse is just daft. It might not be great parenting but reporting it anywhere I think would see you laughed out of the room.

This is not a “high pressure approach”. This is harmful abuse and should be seen as such. It’s ludicrous some of the things I’ve heard reported to social services if something like this is deemed fine. The “meekness” of the mother in the presence of the father is also a huge red flag. Who knows what else is going on at home.

1SillySossij · 08/06/2025 02:08

Is the dad East Asian?

MyKindHiker · 08/06/2025 09:43

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/06/2025 16:50

It’s not daft.

Teachers get training on emotional abuse and safeguarding. I taught for 25 years. We had loads of stuff on this.

Show quote history

I dare you to call social services and report that a father scoffed at a daughter for not getting 100% in a test. Watch them swoop in and snatch the child into care? Come on. The authorities have to deal with helping kids living in literal crack dens.

I don’t condone it. It’s not kind parenting. I would love to swoop in and make all parents parent better. But we have to draw a line somewhere in how we define ‘abuse’ emotional or otherwise and be realistic about what we can actually change.

MyKindHiker · 08/06/2025 09:47

PennyInATizzyAgain · 07/06/2025 18:14

I really wish school had safe guardings for emotional abuse in place when I was there. Nobody had any idea. I just presented as a difficult kid.

Show quote history

They might have safeguarding approaches technically now but no one actually knows what they could do. I can’t think of any school that would pick something like this up with a parent… maybe a very brave head might speak with the parent and tell them to lay off. But there is no way unkindness of this level would be on the radar of social services or the police. Legally there would simply be nothing they could do. Sadly there is no law against just not being very nice.

fourelementary · 08/06/2025 09:48

@Wouldyoubehappy123 I would speak to the parents as the professional educator and explain why pressure is not going to bring out the best and how when upset their daughter will be less likely to perform well. Get some of your evidence and papers on performance and pressure etc and “prove” to him that his way is incorrect, but in a professional and helpful way rather than disrespectful. Start with the “I know you only want what is best for Anna, but…” approach and remind them that you are her tutor and please can they let you go over her mistakes as these are valuable lessons and highlight areas requiring work and focus.

I wouldn’t leap to safeguarding at the moment…

MyKindHiker · 08/06/2025 09:50

TatteredAndTorn · 07/06/2025 19:04

This is not a “high pressure approach”. This is harmful abuse and should be seen as such. It’s ludicrous some of the things I’ve heard reported to social services if something like this is deemed fine. The “meekness” of the mother in the presence of the father is also a huge red flag. Who knows what else is going on at home.

Show quote history

When you say ‘things that have been reported to social services’ do you mean things that people have reported or things social services have actually acted on. In my experience with social services they are really stretched. They simply wouldn’t get involved unless they were seriously worried for a child’s welfare and based on this post there really wouldn’t be enough.

MrDobbs · 08/06/2025 09:52

User75736256 · 07/06/2025 16:48

Out of curiosity what actually happens to children that have parents like this? Do they end up going off the rail as teens or grow up as insecure adults who strive for perfection?

Coming from a culture where this type of pressure is absolutely normal, the honest answer is that the majority end up totally fine. Most are very successful by society's standards and in high earning jobs. I know about 30-40 peers who grew up like this and 3 people crashed out completely (think addiction/rehab/serious MH issues). About 5 ended up distanced from their parents due to not being able to live to expectations and undiagnosed ADHD/ASD almost certainly played a role there. I think those stats aren't much different to any random group of young people in the same sample size. Everyone knows at least a few people from their class at school who ended up with a difficult life.

The remaining percentage all have fairly good lives. There will obviously be hidden MH struggles but lots of people also have those who weren't pressured as children. A few became self-made millionaires, lots of the girls started off in good careers and are now SAHMs. Most are close with their families and travel a lot. Nobody is on benefits and nobody has any criminal records. I personally don't condone this pressured type of parenting but I feel there is a tangible result that may only be apparent many decades down the road.

I don't think it's possible to attribute the positive outcomes to the parenting style. As you said, there is a mix of successful people, people with MH issues and people distanced from their parents as a result.

It's quite possible that the ones who thrived under such a parental regime were the ones who had the academic capability to meet expectations so would have been the group that would have thrived anyway.

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