To hate the toddler stage

[somesortofbreakfast]

Dc2 is bright and funny but if I’m honest I struggled so much with the toddler stage first time round that going through it again is making me miserable, only this time I have the pressure of trying to meet the first one’s needs as well.

I know it doesn’t last forever but I just hate it. It makes doing anything near enough impossible as it’s interspersed with tantrums and whingeing. No attention span so you can’t even stick them in front of the TV for a break 😩

I thought dc1 was an exceptionally difficult toddler and in fairness he wasn’t really but I didn’t really know what to expect or what was normal. However, dc2 seemed to have skipped the worst of it. Some mildly frustrating behaviour and sleep was an issue from about 9-18 months but for the most part she seemed a very chilled, contented sort. But now she’s two soon and suddenly we have hit the famous terrible twos and I think I’m having flashbacks.

I am just not a great toddler mum. I have very limited patience for the flinging herself backwards in rage because of some vague unspecified reason, for the territorial sort of wanting to go on a swing but that swing, the food is a massive issue as there are now very few foods she’ll eat and virtually nothing reliably so every mealtime is stressful, and now she’s started waking at 5 which dc1 also did and I thought I’d skipped with this one. I absolutely hate it as the day lasts forever.

Honestly I can’t wait for her to be at the stage dc1 is at, where he’s four and about to start school.

@somesortofbreakfast I won’t lie to you, I actually cry sometimes when I think of the years I’ve spent dealing with irrational toddlers. I really do hate it that much.

It feels like life is completely suspended as the youngest one is such a pain in the arse it’s impossible to do anything.

But he’s very cute as well, so sometimes that makes it ok for a second 🤣

I hear you, OP. I know you know this but it’s not for ever. I can remember just being exhaustedly furious with my dd (who is not and has never been a particularly difficult child) one gorgeous golden autumn evening as we were leaving a lovely place and I could not feel the beauty, could not see the beauty, could not feel the the gentle relaxation of the evening after a walk because there was this barrier of constant whingeing and demanding that just me feel constantly uptight and desperate. It felt like my life has been stolen. Anyway. I love my kids but honestly I probably love them more the older they get - sorry not sorry. Your kids will be brilliant too.

@Newstartplease24 you nailed some of my feelings there with the ‘feels like my life has been stolen’. I definitely understand that!

It feels like life is completely suspended as the youngest one is such a pain in the arse it’s impossible to do anything.

Yes, it does feel like that! Totally.

@Newstartplease24 yes I’m just better with older children I think. I don’t even think either of mine are that bad but neither have been the sort of sit contentedly in a buggy and watch the world go by. DD likes to be picked up for two steps then put down for three then picked up … it’s exhausting.

I absolutely relate!! They are sweet at any age, the toddler phase is relentless.

It can be hard. I ignore so many things 'if you want to walk around in your wellies and underpants in the kitchen, fine. If you want to empty my cupboard, fine. If you want to drag my blue cardigan across the floor, fine. I'll wash it.'

It is probably bad parenting and I might be setting myself to deal with poor behaviour later but unless it is something we absolutely have to do (go to bed, leave for an appointment, eat!) or if it is unsafe then I just pick my battles. Makes, the atmosphere more chilled.

I also try and teach them what to do e.g. wash your own face, put toys away etc which gives a sense of independence and reduces arguments.

I also bribe a lot but with healthy snacks like fruit or favourite stories where possible rather than junk or TV. I would be in permanent stress mode if I didn't 😬

DD doesn’t tend to do things like that @ToldoRasa .

At the moment I would say the biggest problems are the car seat, the sleep (she still wakes at night and I don’t see this changing but in fairness to her she does go straight back down after a quick drink) but the early mornings are becoming incessant and I know from DS there’s very little that can change it. And the food.

I don’t think it’s bad parenting to do as you’ve described but she’s my second so yes she does have to get in the car to collect DS from preschool and she can’t live on fresh air, although she thinks she can.

I found the toodler years hard. The worst element was lack of communication and understanding; in my case DS1 was hard going because of undiagnosed autism (diagnosis at 9). I just thought I had a sensitive tantrumy toddler with a mild speech delay, and it turned out that shopping was regularly brutal because of sensory overwhelm, and that getting dressed was much easier when working out a dress code that he found comfortable.

The lowest point was when I was heavily pregnant and on crutches for SPD and near reliant on his crumbs of co-operation and goodwill. I remember lying on the sofa wishing I could mix childhood around on random selection so that I could enjoy random days of this stage one at a time but not feel so ground down and wiped out.

He's a teenager now, and so much easier. He'll still have meltdowns and shutdowns, but at least I know that last night's was really a bad combination of start-of-termitis and double Spanish, and with sleep and patience he'll come through it. And most of the time we have enough coping strategies that he looks like a reasonably civilised, witty human. He's got a long memory and can now articulate about what caused some of the apparently random meltdowns when he was little such as jumbling park names then being disorientated and diappointed that we turned up at the "wrong" park.

My other toddler was simpler but required a fast 200m sprint and tree-climbing abilities. I'd often have to bolt after him and leave the other screaming while reassuring myself that he probably wasn't very appealing to any passing opportunist abductors

With you OP! I’ve got a 6 year old and a 14 month old. We are at that stage where the baby/toddler wants to grab everything and open every cupboard and climb the stairs and it’s just not possible to completely baby proof everything. Any time we are at home I can’t sit down for a minute as the toddler is trying to do something dangerous. Or the older one is leaving things lying around that the toddler shouldn’t have (felt tips and sellotape this morning), or he’s trying to ruin whatever she’s doing (pressing buttons on the tv remote, grabbing her drawing). It’s SO TEDIOUS. I’ve taken to being out the house as much as possible as he’s mostly happy when in his buggy or car seat 😂

@BogRollBOGOF my first is the runner. It isn’t so much that he runs off to be naughty, it’s more a sort of exuberance and confidence in life which is delightful in a way but I know he gets fed up of how slow we are as DD examines yet another leaf in intricate detail …

One day, I tell myself, I’ll drop them both at school and come home to an empty house. And it will be fucking bliss!

It's great when they get to the upper end of junior school and you can start doing errands alone and they can stay safely at home. Life gets so much simpler!

I have a 19 month old and I agree. The incessant whining and whinging does my head in. The demanding for whatever and then screaming when it isn't right. The overtiredness and teething. The constant nursery bugs. I keep thinking it will be better when he can talk properly, but I am not so sure. Probably just be answering me back!

My DH pretends the whining doesn't bother him and shoots me daggers if I so much as sigh or show any signs of irritation. That does my head in too, as it makes me feel like a bad mother. I also don't sweat the small stuff, but he does...which again adds to the mix of feeling like a bad mother. For example, DH doesn't like it when I very occasionally give DS dilute squash (to give us 5 minutes of peace.) Frankly I really don't think it matters and he will no doubt be drinking squash by school age anyway...DH treats it like I have given him whisky or something.

That was therapeutic! Toddlers are hard. At the moment I am one and done. I don't fancy all this again!

I did not enjoy the toddler stage.
I mean, I enjoyed moments of it, obviously. But on balance, it was mostly a thankless slog.

The incessant whingeing, the tantrums in public, the fussiness with food, toilet training, the noise and the mess, the 5am wake ups, the resistance to going to bed, wrestling them into their clothes, taking forever just to leave the bloody house, having to watch them every second so they don’t run off or do something unsafe...it's relentless and I remember being more tired than I was during the newborn stage even. At least when they're tiny babies they stay wherever you put them down! Don't even get me started on the joys of juggling work with the constant illnesses they pick up from Nursery. Chicken pox, Hand Foot and Mouth, sickness bugs, constant coughs and colds, random temperatures, there was a period of time where if we made it through a full fortnight with no illness it felt like an achievement!

Sometimes when I see photos or videos of the DC as toddlers I feel sentimental about that time because they were so incredibly cute, but then I remember the day to day realities outlined above and feel grateful to be through it!!

I found that from about 3.5- 4yo everything got so much easier and more fun and I really started to enjoy parenting so much more. Mine are 7 and 11 now and they are great company, I also have a lot more time to myself now.

Same!

I found my daughter incredibly difficult at two and it is relentless. I found the book "How to talk so little kids will listen" incredibly helpful. I remember at that age she used to refuse to get dressed for nursery and everyday was a battle. Someone on MN suggested putting her in her clothes the night before or just taking her to nursery in her pyjamas and let the staff get her dressed, I thought that was a good suggestion (not sure if you are having those issues but that was the main thing for us).

My toddler is nearly 3. It’s ALWAYS something. We started with refusal to go in the pram or car seat. Then the bath. Then hair washing. Then teeth. Then getting dressed for bed. Then foods she always ate. So many things that have been a phase and passed. We are on the hardest phase yet. She’s refusing to stay in bed. And gets up in the night (slept 12 hours a night until 3 weeks ago) I am DESPERATE for this phase to pass.

The 0-5 period was the reason I only had one child! It was particularly bad at age 3 to 3.5. That was a bad 6 months. Mine was utterly unreasonable, demanding and mostly unpleasant to be around! There was very little joy involved.

Think she means other posters aren’t understanding, not toddlers.

Yes, I had a threenager. He’s quite nice now, at four.

DD isn’t too bad really and she does have recurring ear infections which affect sleep and appetite but I do find myself worrying when they won’t eat, then you end up in a cycle of wanting to give them things they’ll reliably eat but often they aren’t healthy. So difficult.

It isn't a wonderful stage. Only those with nice toddlers say that.

Your eldest sounds like my three year old. We are waiting on SALT. Hearing is fine but only speaks single words. Still acts like 18 months and is constantly into everything. Possibly on the spectrum too. I am knackered.

The second one is almost always more trouble than the first. I have a theory that it’s Mother Nature’s way of ensuring the continuity of the population. Make the first toddler relatively easy (relative to being a lion tamer) so that you think to yourself ‘that wasn’t so bad, I could do that again’. And then, POW!!! Toddler 2 comes along.

I do find myself worrying when they won’t eat, then you end up in a cycle of wanting to give them things they’ll reliably eat but often they aren’t healthy Deception, reverse psychology and manipulation are always good tools here. Give her something she’ll eat and sit down next to her with a big plate of healthy stuff. Even if she doesn’t glance at your plate, tell her not to even look at it, because she’s not having any of yours. Toddlers love being told no. That challenge pumps through their little veins and sets off an all encompassing need in their brains to prove you wrong and leave you a whimpering wreck. She’ll be on your plate, helping herself in minutes, especially if you start with something that’s not completely different from what she’s got now. You can hide a lot of vegetables in something like bubble and squeak. Just don’t attempt to help her by cutting things up, or give her any inkling that you’re happy about it, or she’ll sense it and retreat.

Re the car seat, I hear your pain. We did the ‘it’s our job to keep you safe and this is non negotiable’ and ‘the car won’t start until everyone is strapped in’. Limited results, I’ll admit, as he didn’t really give a shit whether the car started or not. If he couldn’t drive the car himself, then the only other way he wanted to travel was laying on the parcel shelf. One of his little friend’s mum treated it as a game and would let her DC buckle in one of the adult belts (on a teddy if she was on her own) before she buckled him in, and that worked. But he was more placid when it came to car seats. Honestly, it was a case of him growing out of it. Not particularly helpful, I know.

I did have some success with tantrums though. I think the trick is to catch them right at the start, when they’re still considering their options, and well before they reach the stage of incandescent fury. With each of them, I asked very calmly and very seriously whether they thought that having a tantrum would let them have their own way. I got some ‘no’s, and we were able to move on quite quickly. And the occasional yes (that was from the aforementioned fan of the parcel shelf) and I was able to quickly explain that if I gave in to one tantrum, I would be giving into them forever more, so he would never, ever get his own way if he had a tantrum. And that seemed to sink in. Having said that, I picked my battles very wisely. If there wasn’t a good reason for not letting him do something, I would normally let him do it. Not to the point of letting him run wild, but if he wanted to blow dry his hair after swimming (yes, that was a thing), then he could.

This too shall pass.

Wow, this is so spot on how I feel sometimes. It's really comforting to know that it's all part of the parenting-young-children condition

I'm from abroad originally and hadn't visited my home country for over five years (pandemic etc) and finally decided to take us all to visit long haul. I so much looked forward to showing my kids the little fishing village where my grandparents used to live. I daydreamed about it for months running up to the holiday... the glittering sea, the vibrant flowers, the delight and wonderment on my children's faces... of course they whined/screamed/complained the entire time and I was crushed. Our day trip to the fishing village was curtailed to an hour and I literally cried with disappointment as we headed back to the hotel pool.

I'm not taking them back there again until the youngest is at least 8. I miss it even more now, I have dreams about visiting again. But nope, sadly nope, I'd rather not go at all than have it ruined

I hear you op!!I've got 4 dc no terrible twos with the first 3 got a bit rough around age 3 but nothing compared to dc 4! I love him dearly but everyday is a battle at the moment he removes his socks and shoes then climbs out the buggy as he decides he then wants to walk. I absolutely feel your pain re the car seat he has the strength of 10 men when I try to strap him he slaps me pulls my hair bloody hurts too! He's adamant he wants to walk all the time then he will just drop like a sack of spuds mid walk and want go be carried will not be strapped in his pram. He's up and down in the night wanting to get in bed with us as soon as he falls asleep I tuck him back in half an hour later He's awake again wanting our bed and then repeat till morning it's exhausting.