Normal female friendship or just mean girl behaviour?

[ThatWorthyMoose]

Trying to keep a long story short, so please buckle in and bear with me! *all names changed

So my sister has this group of friends that she considers her best friends, they’ve all been friends for the last 5 years (all are now in their early 30s). She met Carly first when they worked together at a nightclub, then she met Tash who started dating Carly but they split up and stayed friends and another girl who started working at the club called Holly. Over the last few years they’ve been a really tight little group who all liked the same bands and did weekends away to see live music, all into camping and hiking etc.

My sister studied and got her dream job as a paramedic. She had to relocate about 2 hours away for her first posting this time last year and she was starting to feel like she was on the out - mostly as she wasn’t seeing them at work or every weekend, and as she’s doing shift work she’d often miss a lot of the group chat. But she kept really trying to go up and see them whenever possible.

So 3 weekends ago sister was going up and messaged Tash who had said “if you’re ever in town you’re always welcome to stay” and Tash was like nah sorry no room this weekend, so she stayed with our brother and met them for dinner and drinks on the Saturday night as planned.

over the night was chatting to holly and was like “oh what are you doing next weekend? I’m coming down to house and dog sit for my brother” and holly went all quiet and was like oh nah, sorry I’m out of town next weekend. Then she had similar convos with the other 2 during the night and pieced together that they were all going away for the weekend together for Holly’s birthday. Sister was soooo deeply upset and a little bit drunk so was like okay guys I’m going home now and kinda left abruptly. Went home and sobbed to our brother and his partner.

Next day she messaged the group and was like “my feelings are so so hurt by this, I don’t know if you meant to leave me out on purpose or just didn’t want me there”. And they left her on read for 8 days!!!
Then when they were away for Holly’s birthday holly was posting pics on social media with the captions “three best friends” and “the two loves of my life”.

On the Monday she tried to call them all and none of them would answer. A couple of days later Carly called her back and was like “look I’m so sorry, looking back now I see how mean that was - I was really swept up in Tash and holly who were kinda egging each other on all weekend, but now that I’ve had time to reflect it makes me feel sick.”

Sister messaged holly the next day to say happy birthday and she replied something like “I’ve been waiting all week for you to reach out to me after your awful message, I’m not in the mood to talk”.

We’re only 18 months apart in age, but I’m married with 2 young kids so in a very different phase of life but just can’t imagine treating anyone like that? Am I being unreasonable to be telling her they’re terrible friends and she’s clearly outgrown them?

Time for your sister to make new friends - adult ones.

What horrible friends. Steer clear of them for good

If you hadnt said their ages, I would have thought that was the level of drama of 13 year old.
Has your sister not made any other friends?
What social events has she organised and planned?
Stropping off in tears was ridiculous.

Awful people.

Time for your sister to forge new friendships where she lives.

Bit weird and intense for your 30s, I'd say.

Look, I wouldn’t say my sister isn’t dramatic - she’s always been a very sensitive soul, but it does seem to be the theme with this clique, one is usually storming off on the others when alcohol is involved. They’re a very intense group of personalities

over the last 12 months she’s travelled back at least 10 times to see them all, and arranged a weekend in Newcastle for them all in January

It seems very intense to me. I always had a feeling that after Carly and Tash broke up that both had feelings for my sister at different times, and that Holly was intensely jealous of that

I wouldn't even deal with this drama. The "friends" have decided to ostracise your sister. Can't believe she's still trying to reach out to them after that. She needs some self-respect and New friends asap.

I agree. She seems to have been (unintentionally) sabotaging potential new friendships to spend more energy with this group. She was dating another paramedic for around 6 months and they ended up separating as she said she didn’t feel ready to be tied to her new city

My heart goes out to your sister, my old "friends" recently posted a picture about the importance of their 20 year friendship. Funnily enough, I wasn't invited but I had at one point been an important part of the group. Sadly life happens and friendships move on, your sister no longer fit their mold by moving into a new job. For me I no longer fit the mold as I had recurring miscarriages. Your sister, nor I, deserve to be treated poorly. She will be ok, she needs to move forward with her life and although it will pain her to see a life on social media, which once you were part of, it's only social media which we know is largely fake!

I would be cancelling Newcastle and not bother seeing them anymore.

YANBU at all. That’s cold, exclusionary behaviour, and your sister deserves so much better. Friends who ghost you after you express hurt—then double down with passive-aggressive social posts—aren’t true friends. Carly’s reflection is telling, but the silence from the others speaks volumes.
Your sister hasn’t outgrown them because she’s done something wrong—she’s outgrown them because she’s grown up. That group’s still playing emotional high school, and your sister’s out here saving lives. You’re right to support her in letting go. It hurts, but there’s freedom in no longer chasing people who won’t make room for you.

They sound like they have room temp EQ and are a manifestation of our ultra individualist society.

She's moved away and outgrown them and the friendship is drifting

Your sister should drop them becausr they are low quality people and put her efforts into new friendships in her new town

It does seem like a lot of drama for women in their 30s! I would tell your sister to let them go and concentrate on making a new life where she lives now. These aren't lifelong friends, they're friends of a few years. It all sounds far too intense for me!

From the title, I thought you had a school aged daughter. Your sister and her friends are older than me so your sister needs to find friends who act like adults.

Has your sister got any male friends? I'm not usually one to suggest men over women (lol) but I find that men either love or hate me forever, while women (even "my gals") blow hot and cold.

It does seem a bit dramatic for their age group.

But part of the problem is that your sister got a new job and moved away. It's nice she is trying to stay friends, but the bottom line is that she is not "there" any more. Any spontaneous plans won't, by their very nature, include her because she isn't around to ask or be involved in the planning. There would have been a sister shaped hole in their lives for a while, but they have filled it.

Having said that, they do come across as being a bit mean and spiteful, it's not nice behaviour towards your sister.

Your sister might benefit from drawing a line under this and making new friends in her new job and location (although easier said than done sometimes).

As others have said, it all feels a bit intense.

Part of the closeness of this friendship group appears to have predicated on their physical proximity - they all work or worked together and saw each other at the weekends. Your sister removed herself from this situation hence the friendship dynamic has changed.

Time for her to make new friends.

Your sister needs to find new friends. It doesn't even matter who is right or wrong but they don't consider her part of the group since she moved away.

When friendships have too much drama, time to move on.

They were mean, but your sister visiting 10 times in 12 months, storming off, messaging after FB posts and whatever else is a bit much.

Seems there's drama on both sides, and that isn't normal, especially for grown women.

Never try to force yourself into other people's lives, their actions were loud and clear, time to move on.

Yeah something like this happened IME with one person moving away for a short time.

YANBU - best if she cuts her losses and moves on ASAP. This seems less drifting apart and closer to bullying.

Upsetting, but encourage her not to waste any more effort on them. She should focus on other friends or find new friends.

Is your sister gay too OP? It all sounds like a bit more than friendship drama.

all of her long term relationships have always been with males (including the most recent brief relationship), but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she found a female partner