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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if a parent I am non contact with is attending a family event

17 replies

Oldwood · 06/06/2025 22:38

I have upset the person that has invited me to a family event by asking if my parent who I don’t have contact with is also invited/attending. Was I being unreasonable for asking?

If anyone is no contact with a parent what happens when you are both invited to a family event? Do you both attend and play happy families? Do you both go and ignore each other? Do you not go? Do you ask for the other person not to be invited?

OP posts:
ZippyPeer · 06/06/2025 23:02

Watching the advice with interest...

I assume you largely ignore them, but perhaps have some preprared phrases to use if they try to talk to you/someone tries to make you talk to them.

Perhaps 'im here for xx's event, and want to focus on that only. Excuse me I must go check on grandma...'

JohnofWessex · 06/06/2025 23:15

Oldest is now 23, his mother and |I havnt really needed to talk for nearly a decade & when he turned 16 I wrote to her saying we no longer need to have any contact except in case of a serious emergency involving him.

There are very good reasons for this

We were 'civil' at his graduation and had no more contact than strictly necessary so it can work

Obviously a parent is more complicated

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/06/2025 23:23

You weren’t wrong to ask, but from their perspective, they may have interpreted the ask as meaning that you’re not going to attend if your parent does and as though you’re expecting relative to choose between the two of you. They’re now fretting in their head that if they say “yes, they are coming” then that’s going to upset you and you’ll be upset at them for asking your parent first before checking with you and you’ll think that they prefer parent to you. Or something like that.

I don’t speak to my eldest brother. Not actively no contact, we just dislike each other and don’t make contact with each other. We see each other maybe once a year at one family event or another, make a bit of polite small talk and then keep to ourselves / keep out of each other’s way and talk to other people. It depends on whether you think you can be that non-confrontational with your parent as to whether you’re happy to attend knowing they’ll be there.

Psychoticbreak · 06/06/2025 23:49

I have no contact with my mother and no reason nor want to be. If I thought she would be attending the same thing I was I would just not go as I have no interest in interaction with her. That said it would not happen as she has lied about me and been that nasty that nobody in the family has invited me to anything because of her for years so would not be an issue I guess. Horrible situation though.

CaptainFuture · 06/06/2025 23:51

Whose side of the family is the event for?
If it's his.... v unfair to expect he can't go to please you.

Original poster
Oldwood · 07/06/2025 08:32

Thankyou for your replies…

We have seen each other at a funeral before and just said hello but this is a much smaller event. It’s not their side of the family but they are very close to the person inviting, I know it is important to them that we are both there but I’m just extremely anxious about the whole thing…

OP posts:
MustardGlass · 07/06/2025 08:37

Definitely not unreasonable. The person can definitely invite you both but should give you a heads up so you can decide not to go. If this person can’t respect your choices I would distance yourself from them as well.

Volpini · 07/06/2025 18:39

Fully agree with MustardGlass.
i have been NC with one of my parents for 7 years.
i have seen them once - at a funeral of a family member we were both close to. I knew they would be there but also the wife of the deceased also let me know they would be there.
i attended and avoided them - difficult but possible.
i would never expect someone to not invite them or not see them on my behalf but I do think it’s fair they let me know so I can make me own decisions based upon the event/ how difficult if would be.
For me? Funeral/ wedding/ large event - I’d probably attend. An intimate dinner for 8 at someone‘s home. No.
People need to respect we don’t go NC for no reason and allow us to manage that as we see is right for us. Sorry the person is offended, but you do have a right to manage your peace and psychological safety - it’s not about them.
Good luck, OP.

RentalWoesNotFun · 07/06/2025 19:03

It’s not unreasonable to ask. It’s good to know how the land lies before you get there.

Could the person who got upset be worrying that now you know you won’t come and that’s why they are in a mood or something?
They hoped you’d not find out until you were there So you’d have no chance to bale prior. ie they wanted to manipulate you into doing what they want. Which isn’t particularly nice. Convenient for them. But potentially very upsetting for you.

Up to you if you want to go. If you do you don’t need to talk to the person you dont like. Just be polite and talk the bare minimum to them about boring impersonal things and make excuses to talk to someone else if necessary.

Ferretedaway · 07/06/2025 19:08

Old Wood I don’t blame you wanting to know. If you really need to attend then at least you can prepare yourself mentally. I went to the wedding of my oldest DC. I had to take diazepam and down a strong drink to cope with my ex being there. I totally blanked him. By the wedding of my next DC they’d gone no contact with him. It’s such an awful situation to be in. If you go I hope you manage it as best you can.

Harassedevictee · 07/06/2025 19:13

@Oldwood I had this exact scenario recently. I actually informed the family member of the event, as that was the right thing to do. Thankfully we completely ignored each other and stayed in different parts of the venue. As far as I am concerned the best outcome for everyone.

Kimmeridge · 07/06/2025 19:14

I've got a friend who is NC with his daughter. They do however have a common interest/hobby and as a result their paths cross several times a year as well as family functions

They just completely ignore each other if they're in the same room

Original poster
Oldwood · 07/06/2025 22:31

Thankyou all, your replies have certainly calmed me down
I think maybe the host is disappointed to think I may not attend or thinks they have to choose between us or maybe even didn’t think it would be a problem that we would both be there…

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 07/06/2025 22:49

To be fair if they know you are nc then they should only have invited one of you.

PollyPansy · 07/06/2025 23:32

Not unreasonable to ask. I probably wouldn't go if my NC parent was going so I really would want to know in advance if they were invited.

FNDandme · 07/06/2025 23:32

I don’t go (LLLC with MIL and DH family) send DH on his own

Lambourn16 · 07/06/2025 23:47

I also don’t go. Haven’t been to any family event or gathering for about 20 years and doubt I ever will again.

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