I know I’m stressed and stuck in a rut, but can’t really change it or help myself, but body is letting me know

[iknowiknowiam]

I’m trying to get on with it, I just don’t have much of a choice to continue as I am.

I work full time, although only from the office two to three times a week. Lately twice a week. Or even more lately, once a week.

I recently had a change in my working hours approved- whereby I could finish at 3 to get my kids from school and then make up the time before or after.

it’s been a month and it’s really taken it out of me to pick time up earlier. Usually I pick them up at 5ish, but my little one was struggling and unhappy going to school, so we decided to trial being picked up after the usual school day, at 3. My kids are 3 and 5.

anyway it’s made it a whole lot more difficult to get my work done and I essentially just have zero breaks during the day. My performance hasn’t suffered at work. But massively at home. I do wash clothes regularly, but I just don’t have the time to put it all away and it all lives in baskets. At weekends I’m doing so much laundry ( maybe 4 loads ) and then trying to put it all away, it’s a whole ordeal and if I have a weekend where I’m doing something both Saturday and Sunday, it gets delayed even more. Before I would catch up on my lunch breaks or on general breaks I would take during the day, but of course for the last month, I haven’t been able to do it because I don’t have breaks anymore.

anyway, I’m just trying to get on with it. But I keep having headaches and my under eye is constantly twitching.

I have cleaners that come once a week, but it’s still just so much. Picking the kids up after an intense day of meetings is so stressful. I also don’t have time to cook during the days I work from home, like I used to. I honestly don’t know how anyone can do this while working out of the house 5 days a week! It’s exhausting.

my husband is actually out of the house all week and doesn’t come home until the kids are asleep. It’s very tiring for everyone.

anyway I don’t want to moan, I don’t have it that bad and I’m generally tying to just stay up beat and just appreciate what I do have in life- which is a lot of good stuff. Two healthy kids, a job, husband etc.

but I do feel like my body is not coping with the constant headaches and eye twitches. Some days when I have to pick them up, I literally can’t pick my body up- I’m so utterly shattered. I also have MS, which is well controlled, but always feels like a ticking time bomb that could go off anytime.

I think I’m going to need to change their hours back to picking them up at 5 again. But then I feel bad because it’s such a long day for them. My husband can’t do more than he already does. I had my mum come and stay with me quite regularly, but I also don’t think that’s the answer, as she gets really stressed and overwhelmed with it all. Finding someone to take more pressure off is also hard, as it’s very hard to find people you can trust in your home.

So yeah, I don’t have any answers. A positive attitude doesn’t seem to be stopping my body from reacting to it. What else can I do to just survive in the current set up.

interestingly when I’ve had a few days off, it’s actually so much harder to return to my work routine and it feel so much worse ! What’s that about ? Thanks for reading !

I'm not sure I've misunderstood, but are you now just trying to cram a longer day into a shorter one, rather than actually making up the time earlier or later as the agreement was? If so then I don't think this is sustainable, and it's also risking pretty serious consequences at work. I think your real options are to go back to working until 5 and accept that means wraparound care or cut your hours, either in your role or finding a new job. Your DH has the same options.

It sounds hard work

What are you doing with the kids from 3-late? Are you trying to make up hours at work alongside looking after them? Because that’s a recipe for burnout with kids that age and probably not feasible for working properly.

What are your options to adjust things? Does school have breakfast club so you could start work earlier?

Why was your little one unhappy at school? Could you go back to wraparound care in September? They cope so much better as they get older.

Could you temporarily get some more cleaning/housework help to ease your load?

Do you really need to do things both weekend nights? You need to make sure you preserve time for you.

What more can your DH do towards the house and childcare?

Could you drop a few hours at work? Sometimes by the time you take tax/NI off you don’t actually lose that much money.

Why is that your concern ? How I am working my hours ? Please explain. And no, my husband can’t just change his job, life isn’t that straightforward at all.

I tend to make the time up when I get up in the morning before they get up, I don’t have a lunch break and I do work when they’re asleep. I do the kind of work that’s very much results driven and you just kind of have to get it done whenever it needs to be done. So that means that I also work during holidays, if it’s required. I never work when they’re awake, it’s completely impossible to do so.

What am I doing with the kids ? Usually just give them something to eat, play in the garden, watch TV, give them a bath and put them to bed. We don’t get back until 4, as they don’t finish school until 3:30 and it’s half an hour away.

This is me, right down to the washing living in baskets and the under-eye twitch. No advice but plenty of solidarity - what keeps me going is that it’ll hopefully get easier when they go to secondary school.

Given your major health condition, I do not think this is very sustainable. You are not being a weakling, you really need to make time for rest and wellbeing.

Ok your husband can’t do much in the evening but could he do a bit of batch cooking at the weekend so the week runs a bit smoother? Why can’t he sort laundry at the weekend? Could the cleaners do a second session and come twice a week?

You are going to frazzle yourself to a crisp otherwise. Please look after yourself.

Seriously ?? The eye twitch too !! What is up with that ! Mine is the under eye that does it. It’s so weird. We will get through this. I really am trying to stay positive and calm. There are people in fucking war zones. We can do this !

Yes you’re right, he needs to do more at the weekends. He’s been stepping up a bit more recently by lowering his expectations of what I can do at the weekends. So that’s a start. Ie: don’t expect me to do all the cooking, cleaning up and so forth. He gets it. Especially since he’s seen my eye twitching and headaches. Now I need him to start helping with laundry.

Really, I need to get the cleaners to fold and put away laundry - every week. How much extra time would that take for a family of 4 ? I want to do my own putting away laundry. So they’d need to do just the kids and husbands stuff. No ironing.

I used to have an eye twitch a lot when my kids were that age too, still waking up at night and I was working long hours. But I didn’t have MS - the stakes are higher for you!

Can you say more about “his expectations” - what exactly are you supposed to be doing? How come it’s all on your to do list given you work and also have a serious health condition?

Could you send some laundry out ? Have it delivered clean dry and folded.

Honestly the twitch is so bloody distracting isn’t it?

I’ve decided that from now on, we can each have a washing basket of clean, folded clothes in my bedroom and they will be our wardrobes going forwards. At least that way I’m not hopping from room to room to try and find everyone something to wear each day. I live in the same leggings and hoodie day in, day out (except for the day each week I go into the office). Whenever anyone visits I grab everything lying around the house and shove it into a big carrier bag and into my bedroom so at least the areas people see aren’t a disaster zone.

It’s a totally chaotic way of living and I’m sure there are some people who can tell us exactly how to plan it much better - but half the battle is having the time to implement the plan in the first place 🤦‍♀️

Rather than do that, can you look at what your before and after school childcare is? Instead of after-school club, can you look for a child minder so the little one is in a home environment?

Could you make laundry folding an activity that you do with the kids? Train them up! Also take a day off and declutter the drawers so putting stuff away is really easy.

I live 30 minutes from the school, so I think child minder is tricky. I do have a nanny who takes them to school on my office days though and I’m talking to her about maybe doing the pickups and looking after them at home until I finish work, on at least some of the days and she’s saying that it’s a possibility after the summer holidays. I think that would be ideal. But expensive!

@FuriousInventionsthat sounds very similar to how things work in this house ! But you know what starts happening in the baskets, that’s it’s all muddled up and then I can’t find anything and it all takes forever. This afternoon I have folded and put away 6 baskets of laundry that were just sitting in my bedroom. Because I got to the point where I could not find anything anymore.

my daughter gives me absolute rage when she starts going through her cupboards and messing everything up when she’s trying to find stuff to wear. So I also sorted that out. Argh !

I have this but with much older kids and I just don’t find it easier , I work around them too . I do have 3 kids though . My dh is great and goes his fair share too but im totally exhausted, we both are. Our families are both completely hands off and always have been so absolutely no support.
We’d love to work less but just can’t afford it and we won’t have inheritance etc so with col we have to work . It’s v hard. I know people will say just go back to your original hours , maybe that will help as now you have everything. Honestly I have so so much laundry and cooking now my kids are older , it’s all v overwhelming. As you can see I’ve no answers! Things that help : extremely early nights , it’s boring but massively helps , I am organized and sort clothes all weekend ( but it still builds up). I’m sure you are organised as you can be , my dcs are older but I’m in a country with v limited childcare tbh and v long holidays and short school days so it isn’t easier 🤷‍♀️

Op do you know any of the mothers on the school run that live near you that you could pay to do school pick up?

I have always worked full time and my kids are teen and tween. We were both office based before covid. From what I see, you need to pay for childcare and pick them up at 6. Then you don't have to catch up with work after they have gone to bed. I had it easier than you because DH have a local job, very 9 to 5 job. I don't think you can continue like this. Can you try keeping them at childcare until 6? Why wasn't it working? If that doesn't work, either you or your DH will have to change jobs.

It does get a lot easier when they are older. DC2 will be year 6 in September and she's going to start walking home by herself. It's a relieve to be ending school runs.

Maybe I expressed it badly, but my concern is that you seem to be literally trying to fit too much into too little time - so of course it's awful, exhausting and I think basically not doable in the long run. You're not doing something wrong or being weak to not be able to stand it, but I think that means there aren't any tricks or tips that'll make it sustainable with trying to fit a full day of work into three quarters of one.

Go part time?
seems best option, after all paying a nanny is expensive

Take a few minutes to plan out a way to make your laundry process easier for you to manage, it’s a small thing in the grand scheme but it’s clearly bothering you so you’ll feel more in control if you can implement a solution.

What I do, is as I take the stuff out of the washing machine I sort it into mine, DHs and DDs then when I hang it on the line I hang it in those same groupings. It means when it’s dry I walk down the line, take an item off, fold it and put it in the basket folded. I end up with a stack that’s sorted into mine, DHs and DDs stuff and folded. I take the basket straight upstairs, and put it immediately away where it belongs. Then fill the empty basket with the next load of washing, take it downstairs and put in the machine ready to turn on. I set the machine before I go to bed using the delay function so that it comes on at about 4am and is ready for me to hang out while DD is eating breakfast.

I always ensure the process flows from start to end with no breaks, no putting the washing somewhere to deal with ‘later’ because later doesn’t happen.

The way you do it, is the only way to do it. You’re totally correct that the key is just putting it away, straight away.

I use the dryer for almost everything and it often stays in there or in a basket. Sometimes I’m on top of it, but I just don’t stay consistent, that’s my issue. Then I end up just having to fold away 6 or more baskets at once.

Ah op this all sounds really hard. In your position, and with no family help, I think I’d be exploring that option you mentioned of some after school support from your nanny, even if just one or two days. Yes it would be some extra cost, but it wouldn’t be forever.