Why do I constantly self sabotage?

[watermoon]

I am at my whits end. Please be kind

Ive always struggled with my MH, but recently it seems to be so, so much worse.

I am currently going through a horrible divorce from ex H. It’s been ongoing far too long, and he’s really dragging his heels. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle against him as he’s left me (long story very short!!) with absolutely nothing to my name other than debts, meanwhile he is considerably more wealthy. It’s beginning to feel like a big dark cloud looming over me and I just want it to be over with.

I am in a new relationship (as is EX!) and my new partner is absolutely everything I could possibly wish for. He’s kind, caring, attentive, affectionate and the complete polar opposite to my ex.

I needed a fresh start, and when I was offered a new role abroad, I took it with open arms and am currently residing in another country. My partner selflessly made the move to relocate with me, and slowly but surely step by step we’ve been building up our lives here together.

I don’t know why, and I can’t pinpoint it.. but I am feeling so so overwhelmed VERY often 😔 I am tearful, angry, snappy.. I am picking fights with my partner for no reason. I don’t understand myself.

i was diagnosed with ADHD, and have been taking medication for around 2 months now. I don’t know if perhaps this is the route or causing some of the problems, but I am just constantly on edge and ready to snap, crying at trivial things, stressing and obsessing about every little thing.

i look back to the time i first met my partner and i long for those days. The blissful happiness, I was so happy. I don’t know what changed because the way he is to me has never changed. He’s so patient and kind.

i know with the way I am being I am going to drive him away.

We tend to argue (I say argue, it’s basically me) every weekend at the moment. It’s like I feel this huge pressure to do something nice and fun and productive with my time. I don’t have anybody else here in this country, just him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore

i also don’t really know what I am asking now. I guess I just really need to vent.

currently taken myself off for a stroll after yet another blow up (due to me) and contemplating what to do going forward

He’ll leave you if you don’t get yourself together.

ADHD medication does have a side effect of depression and anxiety, but this usually resolves after a few months.

Absolutely he will. I am fully aware of this, too. Yet I can’t seem to stop the way I am.

How old are you OP?

I am 28

Good men don't come along very often. To relocate with you says everything. Do you feel you're not worthy of being in a happy and calm relationship and you're waiting for it to go wrong?

I know, I don’t understand why I’m being this way. I can’t seem to pull myself together.

I guess deep down yes, I probably do have an element of fear that he’s too good for me and will come to his senses and leave.

Oh. I was wondering if you're getting peri-menopausal symptoms but guess not at 28!
I'd say it's likely to be because you've done some huge things by the sound of it... by getting a new job...in another country (!)...divorcing your ex... all of these things score very highly on stress levels.

Maybe you have low self-esteem from childhood, coupled with marrying an arsehole. You're waiting to be hurt again so getting in there first?

How much time was there between the end of your marriage and your new relationship? Is it possible it was just too soon, and that you’re not in the right headspace for a relationship with anyone, no matter how well-suited you are? Also, how long had you and the new guy been together before you accepted the overseas job? Are you wishing he hadn’t come?

At least then I’d have some kind of excuse! 😅

yes absolutely I agree. The past year or so has been far from easy. The way things finished with my ex husband, and the treatment I received from him and his family and friends following, has been (not to sound dramatic!) extremely traumatic.

I’ve moved here for a new job which thank goodness I really enjoy.. but I’ve got absolutely nobody here other than my partner. No friends, family, support network. Maybe it’s the fact we live in each others pockets all the time? I don’t know.

I just feel like I need to drastically change before I risk loosing the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Can you afford to live separately in your new location?

We can’t really afford to reside separately unfortunately, we are very much supporting each other out here financially. I’m finding finances really hard at the moment anyway, trying to juggle the costs of lawyers and the divorce alongside living in a brand new and expensive country. I’m finding myself almost always stressed about money.

And besides we are really genuinely very happy together, other than moments like these were I just seem to turn into a complete and utter mess

Take yourselves out for a nice meal, in a relaxing restaurant and talk to him. share your thoughts with him and ask him to be patient. Remind him he means a lot to you. You will come out the other side of the divorce and start afresh, financially as well. X

My daughter was treated for adhd and the medication worked a treat almost too good in fact. Within 8-12 weeks we were suddenly presented with an autistic side we had never ever seen before. The autism was total hidden by the ADHD and it took the ADHD being treated for it to come bouncing to the front like some sort of stage crashing emotional whirlwind nightmare.

Do you feel you don't deserve to be loved and happy?

Do you think he's going to leave anyway but your controlling that by pushing him away?

What's really driving your behaviour because you are doing it for a reason even if it's unclear to you what thst reason is. It could genuinely be stress (but you have to find another way to deal with that, yoga, meditation, therapy) or is a bigger underlying issue like you don't believe you deserve to be happy or that he's leave etc?

You will struggle to resolve it until you understand what's driving it.

I truly wish I knew what the reason was 🥹

I agree with @DoYouReally meditation and yoga are game changers. You can find inner peace through that. Keep saying to yourself you're coming to the end of a shitty chapter. Good luck x

Thank you all so much.

I feel honestly so so pathetic. I’ve been out for over 5 hours now, just wandering around with no real goal as to what I’m actually doing.

I just can’t stand to hurt him anymore.

all I seem to do is cry with no real reason why. I just feel so much stress and anger and sadness but also absolutely completely numb.

You're not pathetic but I do think you might not be in the right head space for this relationship. You're not even 30! Shame he didnt come along at a different time. Good luck.

Do you think you could be taking out some of your feelings towards your ex on your new partner? If your ex isn't around for you to rant at about the whole situation and him dragging his heels, all those thoughts and feelings are coming out somewhere, but towards your new partner rather than the old one.
If you've no one else in the new country to talk to, would it be worth seeing a therapist to talk through / process some of the stuff you're feeling at the moment? It might be helpful to just have 'a person' who you can say things to and will help keep some of the hang-over from the previous relationship out of the new relationship.

As a much older fellow NDer and with all due respect and kindness, you need to learn how to slow the fuck down.

You've been married, divorced, got into a new relationship and relocated by the time you're 28, when most people haven't even done one of those things by the time they're your age.

I do get the 'living life as though you haven't got a neck to break' thing, but it has the potential for a lot of damage and you NEED to learn to sit on your hands a bit.

Is there absolutely no way that you can live separately from your partner for a while? They sound very nice, but I'm a bit worried on their behalf that they'll be a victim of your cycle (no judgement here, I'm speaking from experience of having been the instigator).

But yeah, as others have said, you need to learn to slow your mind: walk, do yoga, meditate.

I think you also need your meds looked at, two months is a reasonable period of time to expect them to kick in.

You’re not broken—you’re overwhelmed, grieving, adjusting, and healing all at once. That’s a lot for one person to carry. Be gentle with yourself.
ADHD, divorce stress, a huge move, and starting again from scratch—all of that would shake anyone’s foundation. The mood swings and tearfulness might be your nervous system shouting for rest and safety, not a reflection of who you are at your core.
You clearly love your partner and value what you have now. That insight alone shows your strength. Consider speaking to your GP or therapist about how your ADHD meds are affecting you, and maybe look into trauma-informed counselling. You’ve already survived so much—now it’s about learning how to live again, not just hold it all together.
You’re not alone, and this doesn’t define your future. Just take the next small step toward getting support. That’s enough for today.

It might be worth booking two activities a week for yourself for an hour or two twice a week....art, exercise, music etc.

Something you do, just for you. Your world is very small right now, it's work and him.

It would make for a more balanced relationship.