35yo brother still at home and starting to worry about mum

[DevRecipe]

Bit of a rant, bit of a wwyd. Brother is 35, still lives at home with our mum. Has never really moved out properly, apart from a few months here and there. No job for years now, always got some excuse. Doesn’t pay towards bills, barely lifts a finger.

He’s not aggressive but gets in moods, makes her feel guilty, sulks, all that. She’s constantly treading on eggshells. Won’t say anything cos “he’s sensitive”.

Mum’s in her 60s, still working part time and absolutely knackered. I think she’s scared of upsetting him or being “mean” by asking him to step up or move out.

I’ve tried talking to her but she just brushes it off and defends him. I feel like she’s trapped in this weird dynamic and can’t see it. I’ve got my own family and feel guilty I can’t do more, but also fed up watching her wear herself down while he plays video games and sulks about his “bad luck”.

Anyone else dealt with something like this? Dunno if I should leave it or push a bit more. Don’t want to fall out with her but I’m really worried.

Sounds like one of those situations where you can't force someone to do something unless they want to. Your mum needs to want to do it.

Has anyone spoken to your brother?

I live with my 31 year old son. He’s saving to buy a house and I’m happy for him to do this but secretly I like him living with me as it’s better than living alone

@DevRecipe yes dealing with this right now actually. Brother lived at home his entire life. He suffered from mental health issues and after graduation only held one job for a few months before jacking it in. Fast forward an my dad has sinc passed, mom is now mid 75 and brother is 55. Mom moans about him not helping with housework and even preventing wokmnen access to the property for repairs. Mom recently came back from abroad in order to release funds of tens of thousands which my brother managed but reality is she has no clue where they’ve been transferred to so she’s essentially had that money stolen. She wants to help me pay for some house repairs but brother won’t release her passport to her so she can’t. It’s awful really as the banks have told me to call the police but my mom would never forgive me so basically all I can do is ensure she remains independent and her bills are being paid. Brother’allows’ her a small allowance of her own money! He recently use moms finances to pay for a new car and she just sadly watches. When my brother was younger she wouldn’t havstood for it but now elderly it seems like she’s sort of institutionalised by it all and is not happy but won’t have anything bad sai about him either. Hopefully it won’t be the same future for your mom but unfortunately this is what happened to mine.

What a sad situation all round. Your poor mum is being dictated to in HER home where she pays all the bills. She is coming up to retirement and should be able to relax and feel happy in her home. Your brother either needs to apply for Universal Credit or get a job. He will need NI contributions and is quite frankly acting like a brat. What does he do to look for work or boost his skills? He could be depressed which can explain the moods or a controlling bullying. Your mum needs to stand firm and tell him to see a dr, apply for UC or get a job. On UC they will make him look for work and do job searches and prove he is or lose it. He can't sit there with his attitude not going to the dr or seeking work. Your mum needs to get a grip on showing your brother that the reality is it is her house, he needs to pay towards bills or find somewhere to rent like a room in a house which UC would give rent for. UC won't let you have rent though to pay to family if you live with them. Your brother needs a sharp reality check that he is 35, needs to get work, sort his life and mummy can't afford to look after him in her 60s.

How involved are you prepared to get? I wonder if your mum might benefit from you having her to stay for a few days or taking her away on holiday to give her a break and free her up to talk about this. But that alone might be way more than you have to give to this.

Your mum is an adult and she is responsible for her own choices but many people need or benefit from support. I think it's nice you are approaching this trying to offer support rather than judgement.

Your mum is enabling him to be a complete man-baby, that's her choice. I'd stay out of it seeing as she only defends him anyway. She's a grown adult she can make her own choices.

My mum is the same, my brother has put her in hospital before with stress, but she still panders to him, so I'm staying out of it now, she's free to make her own stupid choices and I tell her I don't want to hear about it.

Does he have any health conditions at all? (Not that it’s an excuse in this situation).

lt can’t be a nice environment for her if she’s the only one cooking, cleaning, paying the bills. Sounds like she has the patience of a saint!

Do you have any other family OP? Anymore siblings, aunts etc. you can vent to and get advice?

As unhappy and exhausted your mum might be, if she’s enabling his behaviour and is allowing him to be a selfish freeloader then there’s not much you can really do apart from speaking to them both, separately to raise your concerns.

There's nothing you can do. Your mum is clearly happy to support him and have him rule the roost in return for the companionship of having him in her home and an amicable relationship with him. If she ever decides the balance is off and she's giving more than she gets, she can come to you for support to make changes. Until then I'd keep my thoughts to myself. You'll achieve nothing positive, and if your mum is the anxious people pleaser she sounds, you will just make her feel worse as she'll be torn between pleasing you or pleasing your brother.

There's so many of these ridiculous excuses for men about, all go back to mummy's house or never even leave like a parasite.
Can your mother downsize as a way to get him out?

Yup. My 46 year old brother is still living in his teenage bedroom in what was our family home. My Dad is 80.

I have the same with my younger sister and mum. Still at home in her 40s. Doesn't work or help around the house. She's manipulative and narcissistic and my mum runs around after her like she's a baby. My other siblings and I have given up trying to talk to mum about it. And none of us have been able to speak to our sister as she's avoided us for years. Mum's enabled this behaviour for decades and even my dad can't help. At some point in the next couple of years I can see my parents having to go into care. I have no idea what will happen to my sister then. It's such a sad, messed up situation.

This is so sad. I would call the police and to hell with the fall out. She is being abused. It’s so awful. I know it’s hard but I couldn’t stand by.

Don’t add to your mum’s stress by falling out with her. Just be there for her