I feel like I’m failing at life

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello all,

Not really sure where to start. And please be kind. I’m 49 and have a wonderful little girl who is 10. I have a home, mortgage great family and lovely friends. However I seem to just mess things up.

I met my daughter’s father and fell pregnant, didn’t use any protection - stupid I know. But I went through with the pregnancy and have loved being a mum.

But I’ve stayed away from meeting someone else, I’ve wanted the time with my daughter and not risk meeting someone and it not working.

I cant seem to find a job I like and fits with my situation, today I left my job it was toxic and the job was far too demanding with unrealistic expectations. I know I made the right decision, my mental health took such a toll I couldn’t handle it anymore. I have savings from a previous redundancy which I can live on for a bit.

My parents are elderly and one has dementia (end stage) and I just feel grief knowing they won’t be here for much longer. My mum is my rock, the thought of losing her breaks my heart.

Leaving my job was the right decision, yet I feel I’m just failing at life. I can’t make anything work and I feel like a failure. I see my friends who are married going on holidays and happy in their family unit and I feel I’ve let my daughter down.

I want a good life but I feel lost 😢 I seem to end up in the same sh*t situation time after time. Today leaving my job was a big decision and one I didnt take lightly. I saw it as strength of character yet I still feel like a massive failure.

part me me just things why bother anymore 😢

Just to be clear I’ve raised my daughter alone as her father left when I was pregnant x

It sounds like things have been and are very tough for you. It really does seem you are judging yourself very harshly.
leaving your job sounds like absolutely the right decision. You need time to process what is happening with your parents. Second time I’ve used this phrase tonight but you can’t pour from an empty cup.

You have a stable home, enough to get you by til the next job and are raising a happy daughter. You are not failing. X

Thank you, I have a tendency to judge myself too harshly and compare myself to other people. Mainly because I don’t understand why I can’t seem to make anything work.

Op, your not failing at life. Your going through some tough shit.

That's OK.

Who do you have who supports you?

You cannot pour from an empty cup my love.

Going through some shit myself at the minute but this doesn't mean I am failing. Neither are you.

You sound like you’ve done an awesome job.
I think you’re probably quite a deep thinker and sensitive but try not to judge yourself too harshly. Focus on what you have to be grateful for & maybe speak to your doctor about low mood. You may need a little bit of oestrogen to help you regain some strength of mind and feel more balanced. Wishing you well. I bet your daughter thinks the world of you.x

I think you need to reframe your perspective.

Your 'mistake' in having unprotected sex has lead to your much loved daughter being born

You are raising her alone - that takes huge strength!

You value your own mental health above a job and have savings to allow you to quit your job. So many people are not in this position and you have the choice and the strength of character to not compromise.

I'd say you are smashing life!

I've just lost my mum (Dad died years ago). Don't underestimate to the strain of caring for poorly parents and how difficult it is. Be kind to yourself, it's heart breaking.

I don't think you are failing. I think you are awesome. You raised, are raising, your lovely child by yourself, you have made a home for her and cared for her, you are clear sighted enough to know your job was rubbish and courageous enough to walk away from it. Doesn't sound like failure. And I'm sorry about your parents. That's very sad.

If you scrutinise anyone’s life, you’ll realise there are areas of failure! Some people are very good at presenting themselves in a good light.

You have to be kind to yourself. Sounds like the decision to leave the shitty job was a good one. Why would you stay somewhere that is causing you major stress? You’ve created a space for a lovely new job. In the meantime, spend some time with your Mum.

You’re absolutely not a failure. You are strong, decisive and brave. Keep telling yourself that.

Thank you, I’m on HRT and generally have that sorted. I try and look after myself, eat well and exercise. But that’s gone out the window in the past couple of weeks due to stress.

I’m a very deep thinker and over analysis everything. Welcome to the world of the ADHD brain. Yep, both my and my little girl have it to add to the mix of craziness.

Thank you everyone. I’ve spent the last teo hours in tears, your are all helping me think more clearly x

Anyone who has experienced being a solo parent is truly amongst the strongest humans on the planet, I don’t think most people have the foggiest how hard it is. You are the opposite of failing! You need to be okay for her and if that means time off from work for a bit, that’s what you must do. Good for you for protecting her and for looking after you both!!

You are your daughter’s happy family unit. All she eants is for you to be happy. That’s all any child wants. Board game night and a trip to the beach/ an hike and forget stupid holidays that just end up in rows, tiredness and crankiness anyhoo! Some of us never properly click with jobs op, I think we need to accept that and keep on one foot in front of the other. Hugs, give yourself a break x

You've made things work by being able to manage as a single mum, brought up a DD on your own for 10 years. Provided fpr her, loved her and you keep trying to better yourself.

You're not failing OP, you're trying, and things will fall into place.

Don't give up.

You might not have the trappings of the 'successful' stereotyped life - 2 kids, detached house, partner, 'good' job... But that doesn't mean failure. Maybe part of you never wanted all of that? You and your daughter have got more opportunities to do something interesting in your present situation, than someone stuck in the rat race.

If you feel trapped in repeating patterns that are hard to break, though, could you use some of your savings to pay for a few sessions of life coaching? Some life coaches seem to specialise in helping clients with ADHD.

Hello! Fellow ADHD mum here.

Mate, you sound like you are SMASHING life, not failing at it!

Part of my job involves therapeutic conversations - I’m NOT a therapist, it’s more professional (and sometimes veering into personal as we’re not just the sum total of our career choice) peer support. One of the strategies we use is reframing situations - not to minimise any problems or concerns the person may have, but to help see things from different perspective that may then help to put into context. Does that make sense?

As pp have said: you have put your daughter first which is wonderful and will have a massive ongoing benefit for her (even when she’s being a grotty teen). You have also had the courage to leave a job that was doing you harm. If you look back: the previous redundancy (which may have been a challenging situation then) has now afforded you the ability to not need to leap straight into another job.

Unfortunately for a lot of us, we are now raising children, while being menopausal and caring for supporting elderly parents. I’m certainly in that situation too. It’s hard. Again, recognise that it is hard, allow yourself that grace. Don’t minimise it and definitely don’t tell yourself that you should or could be able to manage all of this.

No matter what, you must consider your needs as well. Just because there’s a lot going on and because you’re currently not working, it does not mean you shouldn’t meet your own needs as a priority too.

Are you treated for ADHD or are you self diagnosed? (This is NOT a dig, self diagnosis is completely reasonable). I ask this because ADHD in women can really ramp up in peri menopause, mine certainly did! Meds have been transformative alongside the HRT.

BEST of luck 💕

Honestly @Cherryblossom200 you've been a star in my books!

1. You've protected your daughter from either the pitfalls of dating as a single parent, the potential of new men coming in/out of her life and made sure she has grown up with stability. This is being a great parent.

2. You've clearly been sensible with ex redundancy money judging by the fact you still have money left in savings to use for this situation. Many people blow amounts, even life changing ones.

3. You had the sense to leave something that was making you unwell. Study after study shows a mother's mental health has a direct impact on her children more than even a father's mental health.

You have school holidays coming up. Take this time with your daughter and your parents. Maybe over the next few months try to start some counselling for you. Even an appointment every other week, something that gives you a safe relationship to explore your feelings and some harder things you are navigating with your parent's dementia.

Re-group and start applying for roles maybe in August or September when school goes back. Believe that the next role won't be perfect but it can be better.

Take good care of you.

You need a mental reframe. You have brought up your wonderful DD single handed for 10 years. You have bought a house and you are giving your DD a stable and happy childhood. You recognised your job was dragging you down and you got out of it. You say you have savings too. You seem to be doing very well in life OP. Give yourself a pat on the back. You must have very high standards if you think that is failing! It is always very hard at the thought of losing your own parents especially if they are supportive of you but they have taught you how to love and be loved and you are now showing your DD this too.

Thank you all ❤️ I’ve woken up and read everyone’s comments and honestly it’s like a warm virtual hug. You guys are just amazing.

I’m feeling a lot more positive today. I think I needed a good cry, I was holding in the stress if the last few months and needed to just let it out.

You are right. I have done a good job 😊 Thank you for making me see things differently. I do have high standards for myself, in one way it’s a good thing in another it means I’m my own worst critic.

I’ve seen counsellors before and they have been fairly helpful. But I think that’s a good idea to see a life coach 😊

My daughter has been diagnosed with AdHd, her father definitely has it and I’m pretty sure I’ve got some form of it. I’m actually very good with organisation, I’m able to plan and don’t suffer with time blindness. But I’m terrible with RSD and at times have had turbulent relationships because of it. I can also be impulsive which I’ve learned to control since having my daughter. I’d like to get diagnosed but never had the time to complete the paperwork, and the waiting list is so long it almost feel pointless!

I think I was getting overwhelmed with finding a job, I was worrying about my age, market conditions and the requirement of flexible working. I need remote working or hybrid as I’m a solo time parent. All of this was just stressing me out yesterday.

I know my core strengths, organisation/planning/creativity and communication. I hate maths and anything heavy on excel 😝🤣 I just need to find something which fits and then I do really well. I can hyperfocus which is one of the few good things of ADHD, but it has to be on something I enjoy doing!

Welcome to a new life this morning without the toxic job! It makes sense that you were feeling overwhelmed yesterday.

From what you've said about your strengths and what you want in a job, are there any business ventures you could consider, whilst you've got the redundancy money to fall back on? Working for yourself could give you more flexibility, & you could consider PT alongside, for more financial security. You've got the time and space now to think outside the box.

For the moment though, I'd plan a nice day and weekend to celebrate shedding the job!

I have been thinking for a looong time about starting my own business. I have an entrepreneurial brain, the it scares me and so many businesses fail. That concerns me then I wouldn’t have any financial backing to fall back on. But I’d love the freedom of doing my own thing. Part of me thinks I’ve left my job for a reason, something I’ve never done without a job to go into! But maybe this is the change I needed.

Today’s been great, I cycled in with my daughter to school today. Been doing a bit of housework to clear my weekend to do lots of love stuff with her and my family ❤️

Good luck! I never had the nerve to do it, or the redundancy money, but wish I had x

You’re a success. Look at what you’ve achieved against the odds.

Thank you ☺️