Bro didn’t buy present for my son

[Mustard7]

I have an overall good relationship with my brother. However, I wonder if he’s jealous of me sometimes as I’m perhaps slightly more financially stable.
He has four children that I have always made a fuss of - presents, sweets etc. At the weekend, we threw my son a party and my brother didn’t even write a card, let alone buy a present. Just like at Xmas. I feel like things can slip and be forgotten but if you’re going to attend the party, bring your children and eat free food, you could at least buy a card.

Surface level - it sounds very petty so I wonder if there’s a deeper issue.

I’ve never invited people expecting something in return but if he’s happy to keep receiving presents then maybe have a chat?

Of course you give a card and a gift if you attend a child's birthday party.

That's really poor from him.

Stop giving to his kids and accept that going forward you’ll both not give to each others children. It’s fine not to gift , so long as you don’t expect to receive.

I have this all the time with my sisters/brother and my children. I make a fuss over theirs. It does annoy me but what can you do. I dont want their kids to miss out

Like for like I’d say is appropriate for adult to adult, but this is a CHILD. His own nephew.

I think that’s bloody awful, really.

As he was attending the party the yes that's really rubbish! He should have brought a card, although I wouldn't expect a present.

I sometimes forget my niece and nephew's birthdays and don't get them presents, but I do send a card, albeit a couple of days late sometimes! I don't deliberately forget, I'm just insanely busy.

Ask him, say, " bro I don't give to relieve but I've made an effort for all of your 4 children since they've come along and you didn't even get your nephew a card or little present for Christmas or Birthday. Do you think that's acceptable or not? "

Thank you for your replies. I agree with all of you on different levels. Like I wouldn’t want to stop buying for his kids as it’s not the children's fault and it would be tit for tat. I just find it a bit hurtful and careless. I imagine if he went to a friend’s child’s party/christening, he would make the effort then. Feels more like a dig at me.
I didn’t invite everyone in return for lavish gifts but you expect a little bit of effort. I don’t feel he’s taken much interest in my son at all. I wonder if he’s put out that his children aren’t the only grandchildren etc. but maybe I’m reading into it too much.

Does he think it's his wife's job so hasn't realised they haven't bought anything?

On the back of this, just have a non-stressy chat with him and ask if he'd like to give up the present giving. Ask him if it's all a bit much. See what comes. Sometimes people are relieved. To not manage a card and present for a party is a bit pathetic though.

What was the party for? You haven't put birthday or the reason. If there wasn't a specific reason then maybe it didn't sound like you expected a present.

I’m sorry but that’s pants. What are you going to tell your son when he’s older? Brothers don’t have to bother but sisters do?

I would not say anything but I would definitely stop buying for his children. Spend the money and time on your son as he’s your priority and I wouldn’t expect your brother to step up as an uncle from the sounds of it.

I don't think it is a deeper issue. I sort of assume it's a guy thing, particularly with their non-immediate families. I can't tell if it's selfishness or thoughtlessness or self-consciousness or a mix. My brothers are pretty useless. I buy them gifts on their birthdays but would be lucky to get a text on mine. They do do presents for my kids but it's all a bit random. Whereas, my sister and I are both reliable for birthdays and Christmas.

My DH is good with presents for me and he kids but he and his brother have the strangest relationship over presents. They ignore each other's birthdays and their awkward exchange of bags at Christmas is bizarre to watch.

As an adult in your situation, I wouldn't care but I'd be conscious that your DS will notice soon. I think to keep it fair (because kids have an intense sense of fairness) you probably do need to stop buying for your brother's kids.

I think it's hard for a sister to have a brother (speaking as one) people will argue with me and bring out all the feminism stuff. But regardless, men are different as a sibling. They're not as thoughtful and their ways are different to women's. (Yes, I'm generalising)

It's shitty that he didn't get a card or present. Totally thoughtless and unreasonable.

I'm kind of going off on a tangent here, but my colleague who also has just the one brother is chronically disappointed. She's always trying to get them together, organise occasions, lunches etc and it's all met with lack lustre 'meh' attitude.

I love my brother , but there's no intimacy in our sibling relationship. He never messages except to relay information. I'm not bothered by it and never wished for a sister growing up. But now I'm a mother and getting a little older, I can see how it is different having a brother to a sister. Sometimes I feel "sibling-less".

I'd just keep your expectations low and put more nurturing into female friendships who will likely be more reciprocating of your ways.

How old is your kid?

Thanks for your replies. It was my son’s first birthday party.

My brothers both did the same this year with my two boys.

it is very hurtful. My nephew’s birthday is coming up and I could not imagine not giving him a gift regardless of if I am invited to his birthday celebration.

i think it is just lack of thought/care and it is upsetting.

i do think it would be different if i had a sister instead of two brothers.

I’d say what do you want to do about kids gifts and come to an arrangement so it’s fair.

Oh and in response to a previous comment. He and his wife are separated so it may previously have been ‘her job.’

Yeah, I have 2 sisters and they are totally different. Really thoughtful and wouldn’t dream of coming empty-handed.

I do agree it could be worth mentioning it but as the youngest sibling, I feel like I’ll just come across or be painted as the spoilt brat, who is making a big deal of it and should be focussing on other things. Or it’ll be met with ‘I had some money for him but I forgot to hand it over’ or ‘you shouldn’t invite people to expect presents in return’.

My niece’s birthday is coming up and it’s tempting just to send a card but I’d feel really unfair to my niece, especially since she’s 14 and would notice a sudden lack of gift/birthday money.

Perhaps he doesn't want you to keep buying stuff for his kids. Why not just ask?

I actively try and stop people buying presents for my kids so come from an opposite point of view - BUT - now his daughter is 14 you can't just stop buying presents as she will probably notice and feel it. I really don't think there is anything deep here - he is just being useless - so maybe softly mention it if you think your son is old enough to notice for his sake but otherwise why bother, we all have too much stuff anyway.

Yes, we do have too much stuff and it’s more the lack of effort that bothers me. A simple card would’ve been thoughtful.

He definitely does expect me to buy for his children. He sends links in the family WhatsApp groups when their birthdays are approaching.

Given your update, match his energy, send him a link to a reasonably priced fisher price toy you think he would like

Next time he sends a link just say you’re confused as you thought you’d both stopped buying for the kids.

I dont care who buys or not a present for my child and they dont care who doesn't so why would I? I dont keep track it is weird to do so I think, but normal on here it seems