Mums and daughters and mums and sons

[autumngirl714]

My friend just shared a lovely poem on Instagram, about how a daughter never stops needing her mum.
It was really lovely and sweet and definitely made me think of my own relationship with my mum.
But then it got me thinking, why is it ok... or should I say more accepted for daughters to post stuff like this, about their bond with their mums etc... but not for sons?
I don't have any friends who are particularly positive about their in-laws , and it's almost social norm for DIL to have some sort of animosity their PIL.
So where does it go wrong? Why do mum of sons almost have to dim it down?

I'm obviously not speaking on behalf of all!

Do you have either Op?

My Mil was lovely 🤷‍♀️

I disliked my mother, & I haven't needed her since I was a child. This sentimental stuff is not universally true for all.
No doubt many daughters and sons would disagree with the OP.

I have a dreadful relationship with my mum and always have unfortunately. My DH has a lovely I've with his mum (but would never post about it on SM). I love my MIL more than my own mother - but obviously would never put that on FB and no one starts threads on MN about having great relationships with anyone 🤣. I have a DD and a DS, both young adults and have a great relationship with both because I was so determined not to repeat what happened with my parents. I really hope I can be as good a MIL as my one.

Yeah sorry I think it's total nonsense really. Some people are much more independent than others.

I love my mum but I don't "need" her as in need her help or emotional support for things. On the contrary I hide it from her when things go wrong because she isn't helpful, she gets panicked and needs reassuring about everything.

My dh has a brother and a sister and I'd guess of the three it's probably BIL who "needs" his mum the most, but that's partly because he's the only single one whereas the other two have spouses to give emotional support.

I loved my MIL, miss her tremendously, she passed away suddenly last year.

My mother is a bitch.

Honestly I think it comes down to some women being generally competitive with each other. You don’t see FILs and Husbands having strained relationships as often. I think some MIL’s fear being ‘displaced’ by another woman, or maybe some DILs just perceive this where it isn’t warranted.

I also think mothers of sons are more sensitive to being shut out of things. Weddings, births etc. They often don’t have the same level of involvement as the parents of the woman and this can cause them to over insert themselves, and the DIL to push back.

I have a DD and a DS. When DH’s gran found out we were having a boy she was overjoyed and told me “daughters are great, but you just fall in love with your sons”. It struck me as weird because women don’t often admit to that. I don’t feel any discrepancy between the love I have for DD and DS!

I wouldn’t read much into that I know a lot of women who don’t have great relationships with their mum.

Boys tend to post less lovely and sweet memes or poems

But then it got me thinking, why is it ok... or should I say more accepted for daughters to post stuff like this, about their bond with their mums etc... but not for sons?

I think it's literally just because men aren't really inclined to post schmaltzy Hallmark card sentiments on social media about anything. I don't think I've ever seen a man post poems about anything, so I don't see why they'd do it about their mums if they don't do it about anything else.

I love my mil - she’s one of my best friends. I had a poor relationship with my mum (I feel awful saying that and I do blame myself).

It's just mawkish shite. Any decent man with a decent mum is able to maintain a good bond.

I get where you are coming from. My youngest DS is still at home in his mid 20s due to various circumstances and it seems to be incredulous that he’s still at home yet I have friends with daughters of the same age still at home and that’s ok.
I agree with PP - boys don’t post that schmaltzy rubbish

I’m the same. My relationship with my parents was terrible. It was abusive childhood. I’ve been married nearly thirty years and my MIL was absolutely lovely. So incredibly kind and supportive. Sadly she died nearly twenty years ago. I still miss her. I have an adult son and an adult stepson. I hope to replicate the relationship I had with my MIL when they settle down.

Indeed OP. Your relationships with your kids will be defined by your actions not any stereotypes.

Because our society thinks that men should transfer everything they once felt for and did with their mothers to their female partners. Otherwise they have an 'unhealthy attachment' are a 'mummy's boy' and their mother is a possessive weird old woman. Daughters are permitted to show their love for their mothers and give her all the time and attention they wish, as this isn't seen as treading on the toes of their relationship with their male partners. It's all based in our difficulty as a society to see relationships with people of the opposite sex outside of the context of intimate partnership.

My sons are adult now and they write the most moving things in cards they send me. They tell me I inspire them.

They also pass on lovely things their friends have said about me (I used to have loads of them sleeping over in their teens and some of them were very grateful for the hospitality and the food I'd make for them all). Some of their friends had unhappy home lives and I offered them a safe, cosy place at weekends. They don't forget.

Boys may not post poems but they show lots of love.

My MIL is awesome and DH adores her. I speak to my mother roughly once a year.

I’m not British and in my culture the expectation is very much that sons worship their mothers to the exclusion of all else. Your mother is expected to be more important than your spouse, for example. That’s obviously not particularly healthy either, just pointing out that there are cultural variations.

But then it got me thinking, why is it ok... or should I say more accepted for daughters to post stuff like this, about their bond with their mums etc... but not for sons?

Because it’s more accepted for women to post emotional things in general?

Exactly. I hardly ever see men posting “lovely poems” about anything tbh.

I would think something was very seriously wrong with my daughter and my son if they posted a generic banal poem about their relationship with me on SM.

Id also feel rather 🙈

I have a son and a daughter neither of them would ever post anything like that and I would be very embarrassed if either of them posted anything publicly about our relationship I have a great distrust of public displays of affection and I think they are meaningless.
We are all very close and I am extremely fond of both my son in law and my daughter in law but none of us feel we have to announce it

My MIL is wonderful. My own mum passed away when I was young and my MIL really cared for me through my ill health. I love her to bits.

It's not that mums of sons have to 'dim it down'. Women just communicate to other women in a different way to men.

I don't know your friend, OP but let's assume that she has a brother. Does posting a poem on Instagram really mean that your friend loves or needs her mother any more than her brother does? I have a brother who I know loved our mother very much. He doesn't post about it anywhere. I do. It doesn't mean that I Ioved her more.