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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the unreasonable one for wanting to talk to feel close?

27 replies

mememememe1984 · 04/06/2025 21:01

I feel distant from my husband because we have young kids, we are so busy and working…etc etc, we don’t have sex often enough and we know that’s a problem.

Tonight he initiated sex and I tried to talk to him first (just about life etc) because we never have time for one another and I wanted to feel connected to this person before I want to start kissing him etc. I don’t want to feel like I am having sex with a stranger. But after talking for a bit he has stormed off saying he doesn’t have time for this, he has work to do, he just wanted to get close before he had his work to do. He wants us to be silly and flirty etc. I said that I didn’t start the heavy talk, I was asking him things like ‘what do you love about me’ etc…trying to feel that closeness, and he answered ‘I love when you are happy and silly, not when you are grumpy and pissy. I miss when you are happy and smiling, you are grumpy and sad so much of the time now.’

So I try to explain why I’m that way sometimes, why I can’t be happy all the time. That I don’t want to feel like I’m only lovable when I’m happy with no problems. Then he talked about his stressful job, I said I get it, mine is stressful too, he said it’s not a competition. Then a bit more chat like this and then he loses it, says he has no time for this, why do I always want to make everything not fun by being so serious. I said it wasn’t me, I asked you a simple question of what do you love about me, trying to feel some kind of closeness, and he was the one that gave me a backhanded compliment by saying he loves when I’m not pissy. So he stormed off saying I need to write a script for him, nothing makes me happy and he is too busy for this. So now we are back worse than we were before we tried to get closer. I worry that we are not going to be able to close this gap. Is it me? Am I being unreasonable for wanting to talk to my husband before snogging the faces off each other, when we have done nothing more than peck each other on the lips for months?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 04/06/2025 21:06

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to chat but maybe pick your times? I wouldn’t start a heart to heart at a time when one of us has other things to do, or before sex really, it’s not the right time for a “what do you love about me” conversation in my opinion.

KirstieKaren · 04/06/2025 21:07

I have this with my husband where I need to talk to feel close and he needs physical touch to feel close so sometimes it’s a vicious cycle. He also HATES when I ask him what he loves about me or ask him ‘tell me that you love me’ because he says it feels so forced and he’s put on the spot.
I suggest leaving the talk for after sex when you both feel happier and more relaxed and connected - works for me anyway

NoSoupForU · 04/06/2025 21:08

I don't think either of you are unreasonable but your timing isn't great. I definitely wouldn't fancy a shag after my husband starting a deep chat!

mamabluestar · 04/06/2025 21:12

I read a quote from Billy Connolly that made me stop to think about my relationship with my husband

"The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started."

Sometimeinadifferentworld · 04/06/2025 21:12

No you weren't being unreasonable OP.

Maintaining emotional connection in a relationship is as important as maintaining physical connection.

ohfook · 04/06/2025 21:14

I learned a bit too late that sex makes my dh feel close to me when we’re bogged down by the general crap of life whereas I need to feel close before I want to have sex. Nobody is right or wrong it’s just a difference.

pizzaHeart · 04/06/2025 21:17

I don’t think YABU.
I think that your question was not so bad but his answer was very passive aggressive. He could say: you have a beautiful smile and then give you a kiss and that would probably be enough for you to feel differently.
He just wanted to have sex but he didn’t care if you wanted it as well.

Original poster
mememememe1984 · 04/06/2025 21:18

So what do I do? Suck it up, let him have me and feel like I have a stranger kissing me and sleeping with me? Take one for the team? I just don’t know the solution?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 04/06/2025 21:22

mememememe1984 · 04/06/2025 21:18

So what do I do? Suck it up, let him have me and feel like I have a stranger kissing me and sleeping with me? Take one for the team? I just don’t know the solution?

You find time for both- separately.

It’s important that everybody has their needs met, emotionally & physically, just not always at exactly the same time.

But also if you genuinely feel like your husband & the father of your children is a stranger kissing you then your problems run far deeper than a “what do you love about me” is going to fix.

Original poster
mememememe1984 · 04/06/2025 21:26

Yeah @Mrsttcno1, maybe you’re right…

OP posts:
DontTouchRoach · 04/06/2025 21:34

I’m not a man but I cannot thing of anything less sexy than a chat “just about life etc” and being questioned about what I love about my partner and then being drawn into an angsty conversation when I gave an answer he didn’t like. If I’d tried to initiate sex with my partner and he started on at me like that, I’d feel utterly undesired, and really turned off. I’d be looking for some fun and pleasure and to remember the spark between us, not an intense conversation about our relationship. Not everything has to be serious and sometimes you really do need to enjoy the moment for what it is. There’s nothing wrong with just letting go and enjoying physical pleasure for its own sake sometimes.

DontTouchRoach · 04/06/2025 21:40

mememememe1984 · 04/06/2025 21:18

So what do I do? Suck it up, let him have me and feel like I have a stranger kissing me and sleeping with me? Take one for the team? I just don’t know the solution?

But he isn’t a stranger. He’s your husband. If sex with him feels like ‘taking one for the team’ then that isn’t a problem that was ever going to be fixed by a serious chat about your relationship at the exact time when he’s trying to show you that he still desires you.

Would you consider relationship counselling together?

BakelikeBertha · 04/06/2025 21:59

I actually don't think the OP was unreasonable. She asked her DH what he loves about her, in the hope that he would say something like, well you always look really hot when you wear high heels, or I love the way you look at me from under your fringe, or one of the many little things that we notice about the people we love. He started off well, but then went on with a negative, in which he criticised her, while all the while she just wanted him to tell her how beautiful she is, or how sexy she is, or whatever. It sounds like all he wanted was, to put it crudely, a fuck, whereas the OP wanted to make love - BIG DIFFERENCE! And sadly one that many men don't understand, and more to the point, can't be bothered to make the effort to understand either. However, from the OP's response to '@Mrsttcno1', I think there are more problems in this relationship, than she's indicated so far.

So while I don't think you were wrong OP, I do think that you and your DH need to make more time for each other. Do you ever have a, for want of a better expression 'date night'? If not, then I think perhaps you should aim to do so. Make the effort to dress up for each other, go out for something to eat, and talk about the things that you just don't have time for normally, and then perhaps having got these things out of the way, you will both feel more inclined to want to make love when you get home. OR If it's not feasible to go out on a date, then make one night a week where you don't watch TV, don't go on computers, don't work, but DO sit and talk, maybe over a bottle of wine with some nibbly bits, or if you have time for one of you to cook a nice meal, set the table, and get out your best glasses etc. Relationships, take effort, and it sounds like you may have go to the point where you've both stopped making time for each other. Just my thoughts, as there may be lots of other things that you haven't told us.

Renabrook · 04/06/2025 21:59

I can't think of anything worse than enforced talk, we have times where we talk more than others but the attention seeking things feels a little false

TheLadyIsAVamp · 04/06/2025 22:30

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I think you were unreasonable, maybe I'm misinterpreting it but it sounds like there was an organic moment for intimacy and you ruined it by fishing for compliments. Now if you're feeling insecure in your relationship then I absolutely agree that you should have a conversation and address your concerns at some point, but it sounds as though you totally killed the mood and it wasn't the time. Of course you can work on this going forward but I feel that you trying to start conversations about what he likes about you etc totally kills the passion and I'd probably feel the same, I don't mean to sound nasty but there is nothing less sexy than someone being needy and fishing for compliments. I had an ex like this and it was so draining.

thecrispfiend · 04/06/2025 22:33

Massage

AmyDuPlantier · 04/06/2025 22:37

mememememe1984 · 04/06/2025 21:26

Yeah @Mrsttcno1, maybe you’re right…

I am struggling with this very much. We have really drifted over the last few years due to traumatic life crap; about a month ago I told DH I was close to leaving, and he immediately changed. Did everything a husband is supposed to, became the old him again overnight.

But I can’t seem to get those feelings back - he wants sex and it’s becoming a problem, I’m running out of excuses but I cannot bring myself to fancy and kiss and have sex with someone I have felt so very distant from for so long.

Its really hard and I don’t have an answer I’m afraid.

Victoriawould24 · 04/06/2025 22:40

Couples therapy sounds like it would be a good place for you both to open up and try and understand what’s gone wrong and what you both need to fix it.

Lightswouldbegood · 04/06/2025 22:45

OP I can see your point. It's a bit like diving in without any foreplay or only being affectionate when you want to have sex. It can leave you cold. But I also think that your timing to have a chat wasn't the best but from what you've said it's difficult to find a time to discuss anything anyway.
It wasn't until recently I looked at the latest trend for love languages. Maybe your love languages differ. I'd you haven't already then look it up. Maybe you need affirmation. Maybe it's something you could talk about to have a greater understanding of eachother and that in itself would bring you closer.
Don't give up not all is lost. You just need a way through this although I'm sorry that I can't suggest anything other than going on date nights and getting a sitter.

TheSlantedOwl · 04/06/2025 22:46

He sounds emotionally illiterate.

FloraBotticelli · 04/06/2025 22:48

It’s the age old problem isn’t it? Women often get turned on through emotional intimacy and men often get turned on through physical intimacy. The only way through is for you both to be sensitive to how each other gets turned on and try to meet each other’s needs.

Your H could maybe help you by valuing talking as foreplay and make sure he makes time to talk to you regularly so you’re open to his physical advances in the moment.

Maybe you can help him by recognising when he wants you physically and not stalling by opening up too much talk in the moment.

CarpetKnees · 04/06/2025 23:11

I think YABU.

I would be very turned off by needing to answer a question like "What do you love about me?" in order to have sex.

I do think that @ohfook and @mamabluestar are right too.

You need to think back to what makes you feel connected to your dh. Can it be physical things like dancing, or like a massage? Is it laughing together? Is it curling up on the sofa together watching something or listening to music ?
By 'you' I mean both of you, as a couple.
Then (both of) you need to do something about it.
Arrange a sitter, go to a comedy club, or out for a meal, or whatever it is you enjoy doing together. Walk home, holding hands. Watch a show you both laugh at together. It could be anything.

It's a pretty normal phase to go through in life, I think, when dc are young and life is hectic.

Endofyear · 04/06/2025 23:13

Sorry OP but the 'what do you love about me' question seems a bit insecure and needy - most men hate being put on the spot like this I think! There are other ways to encourage intimacy between you - cuddle up and watch a romantic/sexy boxset or movie, share a nice meal and a glass or two of wine, listen to some music and give each other a massage? DH and I used to send each other racy texts during the day to get us both in the mood (although I was sometimes too knackered by the time he got home 🤣) try and have fun together outside the bedroom and the intimacy will follow 💐

The13thFairy · 05/06/2025 11:21

It's like having a series of one night stands with the same man.

BakelikeBertha · 05/06/2025 11:44

I actually can't believe so many women are criticising the OP! We all have different ways in which we get turned on, and in the moment, she felt the need to know what he loved about her. Perhaps this has been a part of their love making in the past, so why does his need to get stuck in, trump her need to hear why he loves her? All too often we hear about men who don't do any foreplay, and what a turn off it is, so why in this case are so many of you telling the OP that what she did was wrong? How many of you would immediately want to have sex just at the moment your partner suggests it? I think the vast majority of posters have been very unfair, and just because they might not start love making by talking to their partner, it doesn't make what the OP did wrong.