Hello, I feel like this is going to be a long one, I’ll try not to overdo it but there is quite a bit of history..
I have three children, they are 5, 3 and nearly one. When my youngest was one my mother in law moved in - we’d moved far away and were struggling (lockdown, non sleeping child and father with a very busy job) the idea was she would find somewhere nearby whilst living with us and be around to support / help. She ended up living with us for a year and when I had my second child and was very busy with them my first became very attached to her to the extent they didn’t want me to ever comfort them and would go only to her. I was still a relatively new Mum, really overwhelmed, felt so hurt by it and struggled to handle it confidently. Anyway, she moved out, I put some boundaries in place and it changed (slowly) - I became the Mum and she became a much loved grandma. So far so good.
Last year my own Mum also relocated to be nearby and her partner died unexpectedly shortly after. Myself and partner were attending a wedding about 5 weeks after the death of my Mums partner and she was keen that we go - she said the babysitting would be a distraction for her. She was meant to be doing it with my mother in law but she said she couldn’t really face four days with someone she didn’t know and sent a really nice message saying she was grieving and suggesting they split the weekend. My mother in law was furious and went to all her children (she has four) bad mouthing me and my Mum, they, to their credit came to me, told me what was happening and that they’d asked her to put a stop to it. She came over, said she’d been obsessing over me and she wasn’t well. I think this was caused by her feeling she was losing her place as grandma - she doesnt have a lot else in her life and has I think an unhealthy focus on my children. She apologised, went to the doctor and embarked on a healthier lifestyle and for the sake of everyone including my (nice and kind) partner who is very close to her I put it behind me, accepted her apology and moved on.
Move to now - I’ve had a third child (nearly one) and in that time a lot has happened, my Mother and brothers partners both died while I was pregnant and I got flu and I was very sick. I got appendicitis when the baby was a few months and was very poorly, my Mum had a bad shoulder break not long after and my partner has also had an operation. My partner works long hours and travels a lot and is not around much in the week and often working and exhausted at the weekend. My mother in law has really helped during this time and I really needed the help, but now my middle child has attached to her in the same way and has been screaming he doesn’t want me. She never says “don’t be silly” or “mummy can do that” or anything to discourage it and actually does the opposite and encourages it. We had my partners side of the family staying Friday and I said okay I’ll put middle child to bed now and that was nice, Saturday she announced she’d brought a “special book” to read him and needed to put him to bed over dinner. I do feel this was deliberate as he’s been coming back to me a bit recently, and there have been various other subtle events that I also believe are designed to keep the status quo with him not wanting me. He then woke up sick in the night screaming for her (she was staying over so he went to her) and was screaming he didn’t want me Sunday / Monday. I am not a new Mum any more and I’m just going to tell her that I need a bit more time with him and that she needs to direct him to me for comfort because his mother cannot comfort him currently and that’s not good for anyone. I’ve been quite overwhelmed with the three of them and similarly to with my first that’s when she steps in and starts to encroach on my role as mum.. I feel confident I can handle this as I’ve done it before and will do it more directly this time.
My issue is - how do I handle this going forwards ? I don’t think she is a “narcissist” or a “toxic personality”, I think she is actually quite a nice person generally who found her time being a mother the most fulfilling in her life and now seeks to recreate that with my children to a degree. We get on, she has helped me a lot and is generally kind but then things like this happen, again and again and I have to take control and change the dynamic. The place she wants to take in the life of my chicken is obviously problematic and I’m conscious that while at 3 I can say “back off and let me lead” I won’t be as able to do that as they get older. She has relocated to be near us and “cutting her off” is not an option, my partner wouldn’t accept it and my conscience wouldn’t allow it. At the moment she’s round often at the weekend and twice during the week. She gets the kids from school twice in the week (not because I need her to but because she wants to). What looks reasonable and boundaried ? I’m thinking once a week to pick up the kids and minimise the weekend stuff which to be fair will happen naturally as we (hopefully) stop being sick and socialise a bit more again as the baby gets bigger ! My own Mum (who was very hurt by the behaviour last year) thinks I’m a fool for allowing as much as I do. Am I ? What’s the answer ?