SEN child and school

[RisetteMcG]

Hello all, I'm looking for a little advice.
My son is diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, he's 4 years old but is exceptionally bright. The reason he got diagnosed was because I approached the doctor with the concerns from school. I have insited on an EHCP and they have ONLY just started the application.

The school has had him on a reduced timetable since October 2024, he only did 1 month of full hours after he first started school.

The school have said my son is disruptive, violent, swears and inconsolable. We don't see any of this behaviour at home other than he doesn't like when people stare at him, it causes him to become quite upset but NEVER violent. He now wears ear defenders when we go out in public and I DO understand children can mask.

When we go on days out he's very overly cuddly and loving toward other children and people. He plays really lovely with children we meet out and is always trying to comfort them.

School have him for 1 hour a day and have done since March as they felt he was not coping at school. He does really well in this hour and plays with year 6s, he enjoys older children more.

I was told that I would have to give up my job by the headmaster "as parents we have to make sacrifices". This has MASSIVELY impacted my MH as I'm now a SAHM when I never wanted to be, I had a great career and the extra money helped my husband who is FT military. I’m literally at my breaking point, suicidal to be honest.

School accidentally sent an email to me which was for SENCO saying that my son was close to permanent exclusion following an incident in March (before 1 hrs timetable was put in place). I have not had another meeting with the headmaster to even extend his hours even though I have insisted and reiterated that I would like my son to recieve some type of education like every other child. He does 121 with a teacher he really likes for his hour and she has NEVER complained when I pick him up of any bad behaviour.

There was an incident before Christmas where his main teacher was suspended as another teacher had reported her for stepping on my son, I was told nothing other than there would be an investigation to which an impartial person would rule if it “likely or unlikely” happened. This investigation concluded as unlikely and the teacher is now back in school. I raised concern for this particular teacher since day 1 as she is cold and didn’t seem to particularly like my son and I was told “that’s just who she is and how would you feel looking after 60 children a day”.

I understand the point of wanting everyone safe and them thinking he is not coping but I'm starting to really crumble that my son is an outcast, he keeps asking me "why can't I be like everyone else and learn and do full days?". I really feel at the end of my rope (literally) and I'm holding on for my DH and son. He isn't invited on any trips or sports days etc and the one time he was, my husband was expected to have time off of work to drive him to the destination and stay with him.

Any advice would be massively appreciated or even just some comfort. I have no idea if I'm just being unreasonable or expecting too much from the school, I just want my son to have something for himself, a chance like anyone else does.

its quite clearly not the right place for him. Have you investigated any alternatives ?

Definitely not the right school.
Start a parental request and get him in the right school. Its hard work but the right place that meets needs can be life changing.

Another school?

Look into moving schools? Teachers can take an unfair disliking to children too, especially ND ones. And he's going to be acting up if he's treated unfairly or unkindly there... But the teachers of course will never admit it perhaps even acknowledge that "they start it".

There's actually studies that have shown that NT people are automatically put off by ND people, even when the ND person hasnt done anything wrong, rude or particularly off-putting . Our facial expressions, movements, and ways of interacting can seem "off" to NT people, it's can be so subtle but they still subconsciously pick up on it. This gets their walls up and causes an inherent disliking, that's not rational or logical. You'd hope most adults would have self awareness to recognise and challenge these irrational feelings in themselves, but many won't. Some of them sadly, will be teachers.

Your kid needs to be in an environment that havnt developed biases towards him specifically already and puts a bit more effort into understanding and supporting him.

As PPs have said, try a different school. I also have a child with ADHD and ASD and I'm a firm believer in not every school is right for every child.

As an aside though, I would ask them if you can come and discreetly observe this disruptive, violent behaviour for yourself, if you've never seen it at home.

My child also exhibited this behaviour when first starting school, but it was behaviours we had absolutely seen at home and elsewhere, and it was to do with them not feeling "safe".

I would absolutely start looking at alternative provisions, his school sounds awful.

It sounds like things are moving REALLY fast. He only started school in September last year, has already had behaviour problems highlighted and managed to get an autism diagnosis, and now has an EHCP application going in.
You need to appreciate that it is highly unusual for all of this to happen in such a short timeframe, and be thankful to the school for addressing everything so swiftly.

However, it does sound as though this isn’t going to be the right environment for him. It sounds as though they can’t cope with his behaviour in that setting, at least not until he is given an EHCP, and the money is received to give him more support.
He is still very young, so some home schooling whilst resources are sorted won’t be as detrimental as it can be later on in a child’s education. Perhaps this will also give you a better sense of purpose, if you tap into the phonics system being used in school etc and start doing some work with him.
At the same time, keep talking to the school, ask them what they feel would be best for him in the short, medium and longer term. They may advise looking for a different setting for him once he has an EHCP in place, or may feel that they CAN support him with the extra funding it will bring.

Good luck! You’re on the right track.

That school is massively letting you and your son down. You shouldn’t be told by a headmaster to become a SAHM if you don’t want to be.

Are there any SEN schools within your area? They would be more equipped to help your son and the class sizes would be smaller which sounds like would be better for him.

I’d contact your local eduction office and ask them.

I’d like to add that I’ve rang other schools but they are all full. I’ve also contacted the council for advice and guidance.

sorry I thought I had added that in^ x

This isnt a supportive school. You should look around other schools and ask about their provision.

Id just take him out tbh. I think the damage to his emotional health and yours is not worth it.
Hes only 4 and is neuro diverse. He might well just not be ready for it

You are not obliged to agree to a part time timetable especially as it’s not actually working to integrate your son. Tell them from Monday he will be in full time. He may then be excluded shortly after but a history of exclusions is excellent evidence for a change of placement. A permanent exclusion will begin to open all the doors you need to open to other schools and specialised placements.
As a SEN parent you have to stop playing their game and make them follow the rules. It’s tiring but once you’ve got the right setting, life falls into place.