Am I wrong for not staying?

[flowersnot]

Hi

my bf and I recently broke up after being in a relationship for 7 months. Met in high school at 15 got into a serious relationship at 22. I ended the relationship because i have things I need to work on that came out in our relationship. I found a therapist I have been noticing where I took the wrong steps and trying to find ways to better myself. My ex reached out and we spoke. In this conversation I did a lot of apologizing for some of my behaviors in the relationship. Before hanging up on me he said if the phone call was not going to end in us getting back together we could not be cordial. This is something that I can not agree to because I don’t feel like I’ll be able to work through my issues while being in a relationship. I chose not to reopen that wound so he hung up on me and told me I ruined his day and I don’t love him enough to stay and work through it together. I do love him, I do want to be with him but I was not giving him my best in the relationship and I don’t want to keep doing that to him. Am I wrong for not sticking it out?

It's up to you. You can break up with anyone for any reason you choose and needing time and space to figure some stuff out is totally valid.

But, he doesn't have to be happy about it and he doesn't have to be your friend. That's his choice and if it's too hard to be friendly and chat to you but not in a relationship then that's valid too. And you can't expect him to wait for you either way.

But fundamentally you make the right choice for you. That's really important.

No I don’t expect him to wait. But I did a lot of things that I realized were not healthy and I don’t want to keep hurting him like that. I guess I was hoping we could SOME DAY be friends again. Just being in a relationship right now is not what’s best for us both.

A lot of people don't like being friendzoned.

That’s understandable I just wanted to be honest with him. Because I feared if we got back into a relationship it would ruin our friendship for good. But that happened anyway.

...he said if the phone call was not going to end in us getting back together we could not be cordial.

This is a big red flag, his pushing you to do something immediately that you have told and shown him that you are not ready to do and then punishing you for holding your very necessary personal boundaries. (Also, if he cannot be 'cordial' to someone who is not his sexual/romantic partner, he's going to be a huge headache and embarrassment over the long haul!) Don't get back together with him; continue working on the things you've been working on and when you're ready for a relationship, find someone who'll respect you, treat you as an equal, and consider your needs and feelings as well as his own.

He sounds emotionally immature.

Well done for being honest with yourself and him. Too many people on here can't spot a toxic relationship and then it's too late.

Enjoy working on yourself! Hopefully this will help you find the right person one day.

I think your instincts were warning you that something wasn’t right.

You say it was a serious relationship of 7 months, but it shouldn’t get that serious so quickly, it should still be fun and getting to know each other.

You say you apologised about your behaviours to him. What were those behaviours? I’m guessing it was you asserting your boundaries.

He sounds really fucking coercive, talk to your therapist about it. Honestly keep away from him, you are very young and learning to dodge this shit will spare you years of pain.

I have been sucked back in before by him saying something similar. It’s very clear to me that being in a relationship right now is not the best decision. I thought when he called and we talked we could get back on good terms(not together strictly friends) we hang out with the same group of friends all the time. I know it would be hard because feelings are involved. Just thought that’s what made sense. I don’t want to hurt him again like I have in the past. A relationship would have ruined us.

im guessing because we were friends for so long we just jumped into something way too serious. I wasn’t the best at communicating at times would shut down( not because he did anything just because I was overwhelmed). I have yelled at him in an argument and called him nasty names. I know these things are not ok and it made me feel bad sitting back thinking of all the mean things I’ve said.

And yes In trying to establish boundaries I was not always nice. Didn’t choose the best words and it came out harsh.

You're not compatible together and it's best that you don't get back together. You got together so young and people change and out grow each other. Enjoy life, travel the world, experience different things and don't get tied down to a man so young.

You know him and if the rest of his behaviour is manipulative. But it's OK for him to say ,that's great for you to apologise ( I assume it was warranted) but if we're not moving on together what's the point of the conversation which only makes you feel better. You aren't obliged to stay and try again, he's not obliged to listen to all the ins and outs of your feelings and stay friends if you aren't wanting to reunite. Sounds like you both should draw a line under it.

It's definitely up to you and what you feel is best. Of course there's no way for us to realise the extent of your issues through this post - but I just want to put out there that it is definitely possible to work through these issues in a relationship.

Relationships can naturally bring out past traumas and responses because levels of intimacy are to be expected and getting deeper into it tend to be triggering and re-open old wounds. If your partner is supportive, gentle and understanding, going through these things together and helping find solutions can definitely be healing and make the relationship stronger. If they are a safe space then it is a great (albeit scary) opportunity to explore these emotional terrains together. The process can help deepen trust.

You could always reassess and reflect if you are backing out due to fear of intimacy or as a trauma response - but if you've come to conclusion that it might not improve in the relationship at all, then it is of course up to you and there is nothing wrong with that. Just know that you don't have to go through things alone. Wishing you the best in your journey x

I agree I think some things can be worked through while still in a relationship. I can notice my wrong doings and things I need to work on. Trying to be with someone who can’t see that their wrongs are a huge problem too is tough. He didn’t notice how some of his behaviors were I thought manipulative. I can work through some things, but a lot of the time I was left feeling crazy and that’s why I don’t think we can work through this together. I’ve noticed my issues I’m working on them but he doesn’t and I can’t keep trying.

He's not a horrible person. He just has some things to work on I feel, but he feels differently.

Oh - I've experienced the same with a previous partner now that you've mentioned it. They don't have to be a terrible person - if they're not meeting you where you are at the moment, and he is being manipulative and gaslighting, even if on paper the act seems small, it can still be very harmful, especially during this vulnerable period. You are doing the best thing for yourself in moving on. x