Did you get your partner arrested for coercive control?

[Namechange10070]

Hi,

I've been advised by my solicitor and my therapist to get my STBX arrested for coercive control. I don't want to do this but thought I'd ask if anyone else has done this and what happened?

For context we have 3 young children. He says he won't be the one to leave the house. I am looking into rentals but they are expensive. My solicitor says court is unlikely to grant a full occupation order but a half arsed one saying we can access different parts of the house at different times.

Why don't you want to have him arrested? Are you in fear of him? Do you have any evidence of his controlling behaviour to take to the police or is it your word against his? If I were you, I'd contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

Keep talking OP. X
Are you safe?

Yes. I got him arrested, he was told to live elsewhere while under investigation. He was ultimately convicted for CCB after 4 long years but mainly because I had hard evidence (recordings) which is basically what swung it. No regrets.

No but I wish I had.
I was lucky and had family - we all stayed on sofa, he kept the five bedrooms 🙄
But he frightened me so I was right to leave.

Physically I think yes but mentally not so much.

Because it will wreck his life. He'll have a record. He'll be very angry. So in away I guess I am scared and also don't want to wreck his life. I am working with a local DV charity. Womens aid just referred me to local DV advice service which said I wasn't high risk enough as I haven't been physically assaulted.

You were able to use the recordings? I have some too and also an extensive diary of events. Did you have children with him?

I know this is what I was planning to do. Just leave. But I really want to stay in my house. My therapist was like well the quickest way would be to get him arrested :-(.

Put your kids first. This is about what they NEED, not what you want or he wants.

if you'd solicitor us saying to do this. You'd be stupid not to take their advice.

Ultimately, I did the same and lost my house. I was in a terrible position for legal advice and it was before the cc law came in. I didn't get legal aid and spent a fortune trying to navigate my divorce with the help of my family.

Definitely contact women's aid.

No, because at the time this was happening to me the law had not changed to recognise coercive control and because we were no longer living together any abuse towards me no longer counted as domestic abuse in law. So frustrating. It’s great that the law now gives the opportunity for this to happen. I understand however that it’s not an easy decision but it sounds like it is likely to be potentially helpful for you and your children going forward.

Don’t worry about wrecking his life, that is on him for committing this offence, not you. But I do understand the fear of his anger and possible reprisals etc which is worth speaking to Women’s Aid etc about if you do gown down that road, so you can have a safety plan going forward and know exactly what you would do in advance if he does x or y etc, so you can just go on autopilot in a stressful situation if it were to occur and don’t have to think in the moment about what to do and agonise over whether it’s the right choice etc etc.

Sorry missed your post. Sorry the charity doesn't seem to have helped much.

It took me a long time to start getting rid of his control over me psychologically. I was worried about HIM and wanted him to be ok. He showed me none of the same concern when he changed the locks, screwed prostitutes in our house and made me homeless with a 3 year old.

Please just think about what is best for you. He will look after himself.

Glad you have a therapist. Yes to keeping on talking.

It will wreck his life. His problem.
He'll have a record. His problem.
He'll be angry. His problem.

Just do it.

Please
If not for yourself, then for your kids.

Yes, the recordings were played in court. We have 3 children (albeit now all over 18).

Oh gosh I wasn't sure if recordings could be used. Did he retaliate against you and does /did he see the children?

Yes I was quite surprised that they were admissible! I only recorded him at the time because he was so adept at gaslighting that I would literally forget what he had said to me. He was also tried for sexual assault but found not guilty of those charges. He received a suspended sentence for the CCB with maximum community service hours. Yes, my kids all still see him.