Should I have a 3rd

[Mamadramma]

Hey all
Just looking for some perspectives especially from the more mature parents. And P.s I know you can't make the choice for me, I just need perspectives 😊
So here the circumstances Me and Partner (15years) both 34 have children DS and DD 11 and 9 and were considering have a 3rd. We've gone back and forth over this for a while but more recently began taking the thought more seriously.
But we are just so damn unsure! Realistically we no reason at all it's just this desire.
Logic tell us no because:

1. financial we're okay-ish but just still that uncertainty and mat leave and nursery fees 😭 survival rate feels like 0 but we could possibly manage.
2. Being older parents going from we'll have adult child in our 40s to we'll have an infant. Super scary.
3. The age gap between our children. They'd love a another siblings they've asked for years.

So what's 3rd child life like?
Have any of you ever been in our position? Do you regret the choice you made?

Am I being unreasonable in considering a 3rd child!!!?

Also this is a judgment free zone! We listen and we don't Judge!!
Thank you x

Eh, are you sure it’s not an emotional reaction to them not being babies anymore?

It would be good for the birth rate! However you have to be really into parenting because an age gap like that is a PITA (different activities and needs). It may also be possible you’ll then decide they need a friend and have a 4th 😳

I don't know 🤔 I never thought of that. Thanks

I Don't feel sad about my children not being babies l. I mainly look forward to newer experiences we'll get as they get older. But i do work/manage a nursery so I'm around babies etc... all the time. Really it should put me off 😄 and no there would be no 4th!

I find it very hard, even getting my older DC to their activities, someone has to watch our toddler or I bring her with me and sometimes it's nightmare trying to manage them all together.
They don't really play together, older DC don't have much interest. I do think things would be easier if I'd stayed at two. My older DC were easier at this age, (or maybe I'm misremembering, as we do!) I'm definitely more tired.

I wouldn’t purely because the other kids are at an age now where you can do fun things as a family on days out and holidays. And enjoy their company. Imagine what throwing a young baby into the mix would do…

3rd large G&T - probably not

3rd car for weekends - no

3rd set of bed linen - go for it

3rd puppy or kitten - only if there's a 4th to give them a playmate

3rd child after so many years - maybe. But have a look at puppies and kittens first, as they might give you the sleepless nights, smells and fluids from both ends, the mess and noise and cuteness without having to do the whole trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth and whatnot.

Thank you for your reply and your honesty I really appreciate it 😊 x

That's a difficult age gap. It's hard because it limits things for the older children and sometimes you might have to skip things because of the baby.

My two boys were 10 and 5 when their surprise sister showed up and I was just about to turn 40 😂 Eldest had been begging for a sister for years and I told him I would never let the kids outnumber the grown ups so he was dead chuffed. Yes the gaps meant some juggling sometimes but the upside was the fact that they never squabbled because they had their own roles and when DS1 turned 13 we never had to find a babysitter again. Now 22-32 they are all great friends, eldest now has a daughter and his sister is the best auntie and has a great relationship with his wife. If you want to make it work it will work, there will always be arguments against. I never saw myself as a mum of three but I am so glad I am.

I had a third and he brought the 4th with him. Just saying!

As one of three, one of us has been left out our entire lives. I'm envious of other people where there's two siblings as they just don't have that dynamic.

We have big age gaps all round, 16, 9 and 4 months. I turned 37 just after given birth to our youngest. He has completed our family, his older siblings dote on him, one of us is always given him attention or holding him, (not sure if this is a good thing for when he grows up 🤣) but he is so loved by us all.
I found the pregnancy harder, was far more exhausting than my other two, tiredness overall actually to be honest, as even now he’s here I’m more tired with the night feeds than before. however I am thoroughly enjoying every moment, knowing he is our last has made me appreciate everything. I could never say I was done having children before I was always 50/50 and a part of me couldn’t quite come around to the idea of just two.
Yes clubs etc is a bit harder but it’s so worth it.

One thing I had forgot though op is how much stuff you have to bring with you with a new baby, no more just jumping in the car and I’m off, it’s packing changing bags, and loading baby in then setting the pram up and getting baby out etc and that’s just going to the local supermarket 🤣

What you will find is you will have more one on one time with you and baby as your older children are at school and more independent, I’ve had this with all three because of the age gaps and it’s been lovely to be able to spend time with them alone just us before picking their siblings up, you can do the baby clubs etc and then do stuff the older children want to do with them when they are home, every child gets your time doing something for them

From an evolutionary standpoint, there’s a built-in biological push to reproduce before fertility declines which typically happens mid-30s to early 40s. A lot of women get an urge to have another at this time because their body clocks are screaming at them to have more before it’s too late.

Is having a third something you want as you feel it will complete your family or is it an overwhelming urge that you just can’t explain?

Just to throw my own experience out there… my 3rd pregnancy, birth & postnatal experience was a shitshow compared to my first 2! I developed pre eclampsia having never had it before and we had a really rough end to the pregnancy with a long hospital admission & preterm birth, and then recovering from all that with PND & no family support… lucky my son is very very cute! It’s really been hard. I know my older 2 love their sibling very much and we have a smaller age gap than you but I have found the first 6m so so challenging and I hadn’t expected to. My family is now complete and I feel very done, there is no wanting a 4th!

I’ve got big gaps. My children are 22, 12 and 4. I had my 3rd at 40 (I suffer from extreme HG in pregnancy, I needed them to be old enough so I could lay in a dark room and not be taking care of a toddler while pregnant and it took me ages to want to do it again).

They all adore each other, I’ve never had any problem with age gaps. It wasn’t a problem going back to nappies.

People love to create horror stories about how difficult it will be to have age gaps.people were horrified when I had my 3rd, it was all “your eldest is 18, don’t you want freedom?” Like having children is some sort of trap.

Go for it! You are still young and sounds like you have a loving and stable family. You will create another family member who you all love and the children even with the age gap will have another sibling for life creating more cousins for their children which is always a blessing🤗

I have three -DS 12, DD 10 and little DS who is 3. It’s fine. Life is busy, and I can be thinly stretched but I love it. He’s goes to nursery now and I work FT - it flies by! I was stressed and anxious during the early years with my first two but I’m much more confident and relaxed with number 3. And I loved the baby days! I knew it was my last so I enjoyed the cluster feeds, strolls to the park etc. He wasn’t planned and I’m 42 now so there’s absolutely no way I’m having more though the husband would quite happily keep on going (he’s Italian though so can’t trusted 😂).

There’s no logical reason to have kids - you either want them or you don’t. I’m glad we didn’t discuss or plan any of our sprogs because if I’d thought about what I was getting into I wouldn’t have done it lol. But I like being a Mum and my little dude just brings so much warmth, sloppy kisses and utter chaos I can’t imagine life with him now.

Do you think a 4th child in the mix would have been better? We don't leave out but the 3rd child does take over at times because she is younger and more demanding.

We have two children, and tried for DC3 but after two miscarriages we are sticking with two. I loved it when they were babies /toddlers but DD2 is four now. Both kids are sleeping through, are toilet trained, you can communicate better.

We have just come back from our first holiday in years where days out were a lot easier as there was no buggy, toddler tantrums, needing a high chairs in restaurants, which has really cemented our decision.

I would have loved a third child, however I really couldn't go back to the early years now.

My parents had me at 39 by accident, my siblings were 12 and 14 at the time. Obviously they can't tell me to my face if they truly regret it, but I don't think for a second that they do! They always described it being the best surprise ever, it kept them young, they didn't seem to mind going back into the baby and toddler stage again. And I have the best relationship with my siblings, we're all super close and the age gap is meaningless now we're adults. Very anecdotal though because what works for one family won't necessarily for another.

I'm also biased because I'd love a third but my DH is absolutely against it!

I struggle with the balance too. The three year old is quite high need at the moment. I try to spend time with each in turn, so does my husband. I do think being part of a sibling group teaches you loads though. I’m an only child and I still think I’m queen of the universe at 42.