AIBU to think respect should be a ‘given’ here?

[Cordroy]

I’d already been with my now ex for over 6 years when this happened and we’d bought a house together.

We had an argument one evening - context was I was on a diet and already eaten a jam sandwich and I was refusing dinner - or something very similar to that - can’t recall exactly.

We had a heated discussion and he said :

”you need to EARN respect”

AIBU to think that if you’re in a relationship- respect should be a given? As I’d been in a relationship with him for 6 years, why would I need to ‘earn’ respect ?

We split up over 25 years ago btw that’s why I can’t recall details!!

But we were together for 7 years in total!

if anyone asks why am I mentioning this now - I’ve always wondered if he was right or not

I really can't see the link here betwixt turning down dinner and needing to earn respect. 🤔

Not me, really - but that’s what he said

It depends, if you were having a go at him for offering you dinner and asking him to “respect” your diet, but have form for snaffling a pack of biscuits on the sly he might have a point?

I’m guessing you said something along of the lines of he should respect the fact you don’t want dinner as you’ve eaten what you deemed to be enough.

His shouted about earning respect ?

Either way his wrong. Once you don’t respect your partner their is no partnership anymore.

YABU. Respect should not always be a given in a relationship.

Second post in about half an hour about earning respect. Weird.

Yes I was inspired by that post I admit because it’s something I’ve wondered about for over 25 years

Really? 🤔

I think it's more complex than that.

Respect in some areas must be earned. Eg your job, you earn respect by how you perform. If you're considered an expect you earn respect for demonstrating that, etc you can earn respect by your behaviour eg you go above and beyond, you do something heroic abd so on.

Then there's the basic level of respect human being to human being which is imo a right as a starting point. You can lose people's respect by being a twat.

Yes. I suffered physical and sexual abuse in my first marriage. Do you seriously think he deserved my respect?

Totally agree with your last paragraph and we split up around 5 months after this but our split was bit related to this instance.

He also arranged New Years Eve before we split and j got no say. I mentioned the fact he was arranging everything with me not having a say and he said I could leave if I didn’t like living with him

No of course not but I mean in a healthy relationship it is.

Really sorry this happened to you I’ve also suffered DV ❤️

Yes but if you’re in a relationship with someone you respect them surely?

friends or romantic relationships

My dh and I generally talk to each other as though we like each other. My sister talks to her partners as though they're shit on her shoe. She's really disrespectful. So I'm in two minds really. If you were in the habit of speaking to me rudely, I might think you needed to earn respect.

YANBU. The default should be to treat everyone with respect, and certainly yoir partner! He sounds like a twat.

Yes but someone who spoke to you rudely wouldn’t be your partner ?

I should never have gone out with him!!

No. You live and learn though.

Ah, "Respect is earned" = the universal mantra of douchebags everywhere.

Decent humans know it's "Disrepect is earned" and treat everyone, everywhere with respect unless given a reason not to.

Definitely!!

A fairly old quote that may be relevant here... maybe you have different definitions of respect:

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority" For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"

Sorry for your experiences.
The point is though that you didn’t have a relationship. There was no respect on either side and it should have ended as soon as that was the case. I do appreciate that’s easier said than done, but it’s no longer a relationship in those circumstances.

I might think someone who spoke to me like that should fuck off. The relationship would be over. So no respect issues.