To think that if someone doesn’t respect you, it’s a reflection of them, not you?

[SnugShaker]

I’ve always believed that respect is about the person giving it, not just the one receiving it. If someone chooses not to respect me (or others), that says more about their character than mine. But I see people constantly stressing about ‘earning’ respect - why should I have to prove myself to someone who lacks basic decency? AIBU to think respect is more about the giver than the recipient?

Respect had two meanings
1, that you admire someone

1. That you are considerate of their feelings.

You would have to earn 1 with me but not 2.

Hmmm, I get where you are coming from but I disagree.
I am very much a respect is earned kind of person.
For all I know you could be a child murderer or a thief so you don't get my respect until I am reasonably confident you are neither of those things.
Politeness is different, I am polite from the moment of meeting someone, I just don't feel massive respect for someone I don't know.

Should have read 2. You are considerate of their feelings.

Theres the basic level of respect we should each have for each other which like you say isnt earned and if someone doesnt have that respect for others then yes it's a reflection on them. But then you can also understand when people say they want to earn respect because they are talking about it on another level. E.g earning the respect of your work colleagues by being a hard worker or team player. Or earning the respect of your new partner's family by coming across as best you can (which is also about having respect for them).

Nope nobody is entitled to respect its earned

Well, of course that’s wrong. If you are a racist homophobe, for example, perhaps you need to look a little more closely at yourself. No one should respect you for that.

No, we're all entitled to respect as a human being.

As PPs have said, respect for something a person does well is 'extra' and is the kind of respect that has to be earned.

I'll always respect your right to have an opinion. I may not respect the opinions you choose to hold, though.

You do not have to prove yourself to someone who lacks basic decency, but presumably you also won't respect them; as that lack of decency is not worthy of your respect.

Respect is earned and folks who demand or expect blanket respect are usually the least respectable of folks.

When people say respect is earned, they aren't talking about a basic level of decency.

Unfortunately many parents of badly behaved children in high school, do mean that.
Even worse is when qualifications and/or rank are completely disregarded. There was a lot of that during the start of Covid.

I don’t really get the “respect” thing. I tend to like or dislike people I never think about respect and to me it’s a very macho thing to complain about people disrespecting you and usually goes with a large degree of narcissism. I really am not that bothered about what most people think of me. To me liking people and respecting people go together and I can respect someone’s opinion on some issues and think they are talking pants on others but still like them and agree to disagree

I don't like the 'earning respect' idea. I think it should be the other way around: everyone deserves respect until/unless they show themselves unworthy of it.

If someone disrespects you (not you personally, OP!) because of your behaviour or choices, that's fair enough - that's on you. If they don't respect you in the sense that they are nasty, bullying, predatory personalities and see kindness etc as weakness, then that's on them.

I don’t think people should go around being rude or nasty to other people for the sake of it though. Politeness is important for social cohesion. As a mature adult I can still be polite to people I dislike and have no respect for. I just don’t spend much time with these people

I go with “I’ll treat you with respect until you do something that loses my respect”.

The obsession with showing respect and 'disrespecting' seems to come out of deep insecurity. You hear it from people who need constant reassurance and external validation.

I think there's different types of respect, the basic respect you imo, should have for other people, animals, the environment (both the wider environment and the place you're in like a park, someone's house etc) to not infringe on them any more than necessary and not totally disregard them and your impact on them in favour of your own wants and needs.
And then being respected for being a hard worker, or your generosity, or having healthy boundaries etc.

I also think people respect things or people they value, so if you don't value something you're unlikely to have any respect for it.

YANBU. Respect isn’t a loyalty card you collect stamps on until someone finally treats you like a human being. It’s a reflection of their values, not your worth.

If someone can’t offer basic respect until you “prove yourself,” that’s not high standards – that’s emotional admin for their own ego. I’m not auditioning for your approval.

Sure, deeper respect might grow over time – but the basic version (i.e. not being a prat) should be the default setting.

I’m not sold on the concept of ‘respect’. People use it to mean too many different things - obedience, decency, admiration, fear

E.g. ‘respect your elders’ = do what you’re told; women are told men will lose respect for them if they have sex on the first date, teachers & managers are told they won’t be respected if they’re not strict and exacting, etc

Is respect something you’re meant to feel, or to perform?

I basically think people should be civil and fair to one another, as a baseline, in everyday life situations.

If I’m not being civil and fair to someone, there’s a problem with my behaviour.

I’m not consciously aware of feeling respect or the lack of it for people in my life - I just like them or dislike them. I appreciate them or I’m annoyed by them. Lots of people I just feel neutral about. I try to be civil and fair to everyone, regardless.

Respect is a two way thing. You have more chance of earning respect if you are at first respectful to others yourself.

I work with someone who said they didn’t respect me. Now, having worked with her for 3 years I’ve learned she doesn’t respect anyone and sees her own views as correct and anyone with a different view is wrong, even when there isn’t a right or wrong. In her case, it’s definitely a reflection on her character.

A piece of advice I read once really stayed with me and has helped me, I'm sure, to get off on the right foot with people in many situations. It's 'when meeting someone new (from party guests to retail staff to colleagues) be the person you'd like them to be'.

It doesn't always work - there are arseholes in every walk of life - but it helps enormously as an approach to people. It comes down to - treat people with respect and consideration and most of the time you'll find it's reciprocated.

I think everyone deserves courtesy, not everyone deserves respect. People can behave badly enough not to deserve courtesy either but that is always my default.