To go low contact with elderly Mum

[FurryMuffins]

My mother has always been quite a difficult person : controlling, anxious, critical.

My dad passed away a few years ago and she lives alone. I know she gets very lonely.
My last visit - there was just an air of tension the whole time - if she couldn’t hear me speak, if I didn’t do or say what she wanted, if I tried to help or if I gave an opinion. She really flits and I can be doing one thing, but suddenly it’s not right and I need to accommodate her new suggestion.

I do try and see her when I can, but I have an older sibling who rarely contacts her and can do no wrong! He never receives this sort of judgement from her and anything he does is always ‘right’ and wonderful.
It has been a bit like this all my life, and I came home feel exhausted, like I’d upset her and flashbacks of being controlled/inadequate as a child.

So am I being unreasonable to stop making the effort to contact (she rarely contacts me) - and when my visits just seem to make her angry (as I constantly seem to be doing things wrong in her eyes).
And also - where does this come from? I’m not as clever as my brother, but I’m doing well and have a good life. If I share what I’m doing/pics of the children - I almost get a sense of jealousy or disappointment back (e.g she thinks it’s ‘better’ than the time I spend with her) - and just seems to make her sad.

She’s not in great health, and has always been to maximum/over the top effort when I do visit - but then I always seem to disappoint in some way, and seem to upset her.

Did you start a thread about wanting to move away?

@Thatfirstcoff

No. Me/my sibling live about 2 hours drive away.

I think you need to pull back emotionally and accept you cannot fix her or indeed fix whatever is wrong in her environment that day. There is a great relief if you have a tendency to fix things to letting go of that. She just becomes what she is then, a troubled emotionally immature woman who you used to be emotionally enmeshed and codependent with but you no longer are. That type of growth is very powerful.

Yeah. It's hard. I sympathise.

I'm finding my mum very difficult now. I appreciate she's different herself but it's not that, it's that as I've gotten older I've reflected on our relationship with more mature eyes and am upset about many things. I know there is no point bringing them up, I've tried before.

I think the sibling differences you've described probably come down to the fact you're (I assume) a woman. Perhaps she's comparing her own life to yours.

When I feel frustrated I have to ask myself how will I feel when she's gone and I remind myself that these feelings I have will pass. I do see her less though. I had a thread up here after a very upsetting experience at New Year and I've pulled right back this year.

Ah the golden child who can do no wrong. Usually male, lives further away and doesn't help at all leaving everything to their female sibling.
Seen it multiple times 😞

Have you done any reading around this type of family dynamic, OP? Sounds very much like the classic controlling parent, scapegoat child, golden child situation.

There are books, podcasts and YT channels that can help you understand more about these types of relationships and how to escape the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) they engender in the scapegoat child.

YADNBU wanting to pull back from your relationship with your mother, but I suspect it’ll be easier said than done if you don’t have more information and the right tools at your disposal.

How often do you see her?

Fear, obligation, guilt is definitely the scenario. Sometimes I do visit and when I have accommodated everything she wants successfully, she is extremely happy. That happiness seems over the top though, and short lived.

But I do feel my role is to fix, and I - often in my friendships - I tend to attract people who want to control me. In fact I’m feeling very controlled in a particular friendship now - and I also need to say no, or pull back. I’m totally afraid of ‘no’ and the reaction I’ll get and my failure to please.

I am on anti depressants and they do help a lot. I am generally happy. I do enjoy helping others when I get positivity back.
I do feel I can read people’s emotions extremely easily, and this helps in my job.

I have one DD and one DS myself. What scares me is - if I’m completely honest - my DS has SEN, and is much easier, happier than my DD. I seem to be far harder on my DD. I don’t want to repeat the behaviour I learnt as a child. Similarly - when I visit my mum, my DS is ‘golden’ in Mum’s eyes…

I go in the school holidays for a few days, and occasionally at weekends.

Be careful, OP. You may suddenly find yourself in a caring role for your mother that you never signed up for.

And you have my complete sympathy and understanding.I am another victim of an idiotic mother who idolised my brother but wasn't at all interested in me because I was female. Ironically, or maybe inevitably, my brother never cared two hoots about her. Go low contact. But even more importantly, try to have a conversation with your golden brother about the future care of your mother. She might listen to him when the time comes if she needs to have help/care home.

Don't get lumbered, like I was.

This may sound hard of me, but it is difficult to prioritise someone who never prioritised you.

I can’t believe you even have your children around such a person as your mother

stop contact
get therapy for your hardness on your dd

Yep I hear you op
also in the danger of falling into the caregiver trap here

Step away and maintain better boundaries.

I think your sibling has the right idea...

If she makes no effort to contact you then stop contacting her too.

As others have said make it clear you are not able to provide care for her as she becomes more dependent and that she needs to start making her own arrangements (carers, assisted living).

This type of parent 'trains' you from birth to feel guilty and to be hyper-aware of their moods to keep you enmeshed. As they say you need to 'drop the rope'.

Op do you also know about Darvo ?