Ex is an addict...Should I cut all contact with the kids until he's done at least 6 months sober?

[ForestFairyToadstool]

So long story short, myself and the ex split about a year ago due to discovering he was battling cocaine addiction. Nothing has gone through court or anything in regards to the children. We just agreed no unsupervised contact with the kids (I'm always there and the kids are completely unaware of the addiction). I've supported him the best I can, helped him look for rehab groups, we're very much amicable, I've encouraged him to be as involved with the kids as he wants, he's always been invited to all family occasions that involve the kids etc.

He has been going to rehab meetings and he has had blips here and there (I knew the road to his recovery wasn't going to be plain sailing) I've supported him through the bumps in the road when he's felt guilty afterwards. But a few weeks ago he went to a meeting, then had some, then went to a meeting again, was letting the kids down when he's tell them he was coming to see them, when he would finally turn up he'd be filthy and smell like a badgers ass. So I told him that if he falls off the wagon again then he wouldn't be allowed contact with the kids until he'd done at least 6 months sober... Well I've just found out that it's happened again.

Please tell me I'm not being a bitch by cutting contact, I'm trying to protect the kids. This situation doesn't come with a manual and I wish I had a crystal ball to see if I'm making the right decision for them! They are so young and never in a million years did I think this would ever be our situation.

To make things worse it's my son's birthday on Wednesday. He is expecting his dad to come and see him and to be at his party... So should I let him come to his party and then stop contact or just do it immediately but then my son will be so upset on his birthday.

Any advice please? But please be kind, we didn't ask to be in this situation.

If you’re happy to continue to supervise then you make it safe. So, it’s ok to tell him that he can’t be on the come down, eg no use for 48 hours prior a visit. Then arrange weekly/fortnightly visits. If he’s regularly missing them, reduce the frequency. If he’s improving then you could increase. Keep a good record of everything in case of court application in the future. It’s probably better than the kids missing him for 6 months or more.

Your kids don't know of the problem. All they'll know it's that their daddy isn't there. And they'll come up with their own reasons why he 'doesn't want to' see them. It'd be downright cruel to your son to prevent his dad coming to his birthday party.

I don't think it should be all or nothing, for the kids' sake. Their father is important to them, and 6 months is a long time. What if he never gets fully off it? Will you never let them see him again (it works both ways)?
But he has to stick to plans where the kids are concerned, turn up not under the influence or on a come down, reasonably presented and be properly present for his children.
As the PP said, keep a note of all that goes on in case you need it in future.

Has he attended NA narcotics anonymous?
the 12 step program and recovery can be very effective. Also have you thought about getting support for your self?
this may help you with setting boundaries.
As hard as it is I’m all for tough love.
I feel until he has been clean and sober for 6 months then he can’t see the children, this may focus his attention on getting clean.
good luck and you do what is right for you, however you and your children are a priority.
look into getting support for you, as you will be effected by his using, this may help you to understand his behaviour and how it effects everyone and not just him.

This is the thing, he has regularly let them down when he's on it. I stopped telling them when he would say he would come and see them on such a day and time because of the amounts of times they were literally waiting for him to turn up and saying "where's dad?" And "can you call him one more time."

When he does come round sometimes he'll play with them for a little bit and other times he won't bother.

I've been drug testing him when he comes round too. It's just so hard to know what the kids are taking in and what they aren't. My eldest will often say when he isn't answering the phone "oh I bet he's still in bed again mum, dad's a big lazy bum bum" like this kind of influence/ role model in their life what effect will that have later down the line.

It was my youngest sons birthday the other week and he came to his party and complained the whole time about 'having to be a kids party' and when I asked him if he's coming over to the party room because his cake is going to come out and obviously singing happy birthday to him etc he said "well why should I, there's no food for me"

Just feels like if I try and keep him in their lives he'll damage them and if I cut ties until he's clean again it will damage them... Drowning in thoughts over it all.

I'm not sure what kind of programme it is, it's just a rehab centre in our town centre. I know when I read on their website it says it will go through the reasons why they turn to drugs etc.

It's had a massive affect tbh but as women do we just crack on for the kids. Before we split and as I was just kinda clicking on to that there might be a drug problem there were a few discoveries of super strange sexual behaviours (nothing dangerous to the kids- I just want to add that!!) but shocking to walk in on! And he also carried synthetic urine in his work bag incase he got drug tested at work (so now when I drug test him here I have to actually go in with him and physically watch him piss in a pot!) he also crashed my car and then hid it round the back of the property hoping I wouldn't find the damage and just kept saying I need your car for a bit longer.

The list goes on and on. Thank you for the advice, I'll look at some advice and help for myself too for boundary setting because I'm rubbish at it in all aspects of life haha.

Personally I think you set a boundary and you are right to hold it.

Bless you it’s really difficult to know what to do..I do feel his behaviour will escalate and not get better I’m talking from my understanding and experience.
please do seek therapy or some kind of support for you and the children.
sending you massive hugs and you’ve done the first best thing by getting him out of the house which takes courage and for that alone shows your strength of character your stronger than you think and and your a good mum !!

Well that's made me cry. I needed that, thank you!

You're amazing.
You ended the relationship.
You have done supervised contact, putting the kids first and done everything you can to keep them safe including drug testing.
You are seeing more worrying behaviour from dad but instead are, rightly so, focusing on what you can do/control.
You should be so proud of yourself.
I think this is a lot for you to take on. A lot. On top of managing day to day life as a full time single parent and the emotional side that kids go through with coparenting.
I'm sorry, but I would be very concerned. I would let him attend the birthday party. I would then set a time that remains the same every other week. If he doesn't show then he doesn't see the kids. If he misses 2 or 3 in a row I would stop contact. I don't know from your description how many he has missed but everything is a worry here. I also worry that his behaviour is escalating from what you have described, and kindly, it means he hasn't reached rock bottom yet.
For those saying to continue the contact, which I understand their thought process, what would be the point for them to stop contact? Where is 'bad enough' that contact stops because it will all have an affect on the kids. As OP says whether he sees them or doesn't. When does not seeing him cause less harm compared to XX behaviour.
Such a hard situation. I understand the torn feeling.

I suggested continuing contact for the childrens' sake, but not at any price. I think the focus shouldn't be on him, but their needs. My angle is that banning their dad from seeing them for 6 months is banning them from seeing him too. What have they done to deserve that? However, as I said, it has to be strictly managed to protect them.
I speak from a place of experience unfortunately. Not seeing their Dad at all will be damaging too. The aim is that they only see him when he's in a fit state to spend time with them.
OP definitely seek support. You are very invested in managing his behaviour still. You have the right intentions but it has to be his responsibility. Why are you drug testing him for example? When he's there you are too so you can make sure they're safe. Well done for ending the relationship, but you have to step back mentally from him now, these are his issues to manage. Clear boundaries in every respect. Believe me, I know how hard that is.

@Throwntothewolves I agree with what you're saying, the kids want/need/deserve contact. I suppose I am just thinking from OP's point of view of where is the line. She feels like she is at it/near it. When does it become more unhealthy than healthy in this situation? I don't know the answer, I'm not saying now is the time to stop contact or if it is, but blimey it is so difficult to be in this situation. I feel for the kids!

i think NOT drug testing would be the way to go. You going to watch him wee is going to be really hard. You are the safety- if you’re there, then a drug test isn’t necessary. If he’s at the door behaving like he’s under the influence then you shut the door, tell the kids daddy isn’t well and consider reducing or stopping contact. Call the police if he doesn’t leave. I think a ring doorbell might help.

I totally agree. One of the hardest things is deciding what is best for the kids. It’s really easy to say (without knowledge or experience) just cut him off, but it’s far more nuanced than that, and there is no clear or ‘right’ answer.