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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend the truth

13 replies

confusedeffie · 02/06/2025 22:46

I am part of a long standing large friendship group - friends from school. I am only close to 5 of them but see the rest every so often. I clash with one of the outer members quite a bit - he is very needy and makes situations all about them. He seems to irritate quite a few people - think Boris Johnson vibes. He does have many good qualities but I can only enjoy his company in small doses. I never talk about him behind his back but I will openly confront him and we’ve had heated words several times. This is fine - we both know where we stand.

For the last year, every time I’ve met friends from this group without him present, he is the hot topic of conversation. This has led to outright bullying - about his appearance, oddities and mannerisms. It’s really very vile. Each and every time I shutdown the conversation and if I am not successful I leave the group.

Here is the problem - he has somehow got wind of these conversations and has either been told that I am responsible or made that assumption based on our fragile relationship. He is giving me a hard time constantly. In reality, it’s the people he is closest to that are leading the bullying but they are also being super nice to his face. I know it would hurt him terribly to find this out. AIBU to tell him the truth?

OP posts:
EggnogNoggin · 02/06/2025 22:50

Why bother?

Your "friends" are already bitching about both of you. You wouldn't see him alone. They are the real problem, ergo you look to find new friends and leave them all to it.

Bowies · 02/06/2025 22:55

The problem is because of the dynamics, I don’t think he will necessarily believe you and it could cause further issues.

Unless at least one of the friends is willing to speak up and admit what’s been happening and that you’ve actually stood up for him, I would try to distance myself.

His friends seem very unpleasant, more so if they don’t step up and hide behind you like cowards.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 02/06/2025 23:08

Say, ‘it’s not me. Some of the others are not your friends. I’m tired of the two-facedness so I’m going to remove myself from all of this entirely.’

50lbstolose · 02/06/2025 23:09

Generally I believe that if they are talking about him behind his back, they will be talking about you behind your back

Dontlletmedownbruce · 02/06/2025 23:12

I think I'd tell him the truth very subtly. You don't need to go into details. Just say that he had made the wrong assumption and others have been behind this, not you.

WinSomeandLoseSome · 02/06/2025 23:29

How depressing that adults can be such nasty bullies.

MumChp · 02/06/2025 23:42

Friends? Doesn't sounds like friends.

Wreckinball · 02/06/2025 23:49

None of these people deserve your time OP

PeapodMcgee · 02/06/2025 23:57

Two faced cowbags will bitch about anyone, including you. I'd tell him.

notnowmrshudson · 03/06/2025 10:44

There are experts who talk about the risks of staying with your friends from school in adulthood. Of course for some people it could work - but for most it grows into an unhealthy level. Especially for larger groups. I would reevaluate these group of people and if you'd want anyone talking badly about you behind your back... discalimer as I'm pretty distrustful from having similar groups, I've since mostly kept in touch with one of them and the rest I've come to terms with not being aligned with them anymore. Plus, whenever we were together all they do is talk about other people from our school and avoid talking about their current circumstances...Grow up. I'm not saying cut them all of but I do think it is worth evaluating especially for your growth... x

Gossipisgood · 04/06/2025 11:06

If he asks you outright say 'You are being talked about but not by me. No doubt I'm being talked about too as that's the way our group seems to work' Leave it at that but make the others aware you know you've been named as the one speaking behind his back & you're not happy about it. Maybe worth when you're all together bringing it up saying you can't understand in a friendship group why you can't all be honest with each other to their face & not bitch behind backs.

MyCyanReader · 04/06/2025 11:47

confusedeffie · 02/06/2025 22:46

I am part of a long standing large friendship group - friends from school. I am only close to 5 of them but see the rest every so often. I clash with one of the outer members quite a bit - he is very needy and makes situations all about them. He seems to irritate quite a few people - think Boris Johnson vibes. He does have many good qualities but I can only enjoy his company in small doses. I never talk about him behind his back but I will openly confront him and we’ve had heated words several times. This is fine - we both know where we stand.

For the last year, every time I’ve met friends from this group without him present, he is the hot topic of conversation. This has led to outright bullying - about his appearance, oddities and mannerisms. It’s really very vile. Each and every time I shutdown the conversation and if I am not successful I leave the group.

Here is the problem - he has somehow got wind of these conversations and has either been told that I am responsible or made that assumption based on our fragile relationship. He is giving me a hard time constantly. In reality, it’s the people he is closest to that are leading the bullying but they are also being super nice to his face. I know it would hurt him terribly to find this out. AIBU to tell him the truth?

Just tell him that as has always been the case, you are open and honest with him, and although you don't always agree and see eye to eye, if you ever have a problem with him, then you will address it with him, and not behind his back.

I'd then say "but yes, you are right, there have been some unkind things said behind your back, although you should know me well enough by now to know that's not my style and had nothing to do with me"

LumpyMashedPotato · 04/06/2025 12:36

Hi Boris,
You and I have had our differences but I've always had the decency to say whatever i had to say to your face.
From my side each and every time I have been present and conversation has turned to you in a less than positive way I have tried to shutdown the conversation, and if I am not successful I leave the group.
So while I appreciate its not nice to hear things back i am not the person to be raising this with.

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